rando commando

I wish a lot of people would not get me Christmas presents – I feel bad about receiving them. Then again I eventually forget I feel bad and generally use/enjoy the gift if its usuable/enjoyable. Maybe I'm an ass and I don’t actually care? (like if i eventually enjoy the gift)

I'm bi sexual and wondering if now that I'm in a relationship with a guy, does it means girls should be off limits? Such a double standard but with a girl it doesn’t seem to feel like it would be cheating at all.

WTF Nokio from Dru Hill is gay?.. and is dressing the part like..he looks quite difference and fierce. When did this happen? (as if I have my hand on any pulse at all..) Kudo’s to him to being true to himself, but damn I had a very serious crush on him in grade 9 he looks sooooooooooooooo diff.

I can’t seem to figure out if I'm happy in my relationship or not, and I think that most of the ambivalence has nothing to do with my actual boyfriend. Being with someone can make me feel so friggen lonely sometimes. I feel lost and more unsure about myself more than I do when I'm alone. I find a lot of my girl friends to be the opposite (lost and unsure when they are single). The first sentence of this paragraph isn’t what I actually mean. Its not that I cant figure out if I'm ‘happy’.. its just him and I are a picture that keeps changing shapes. I don’t really dislike any of the shapes, I just don’t know what it all means.

I wish Mahlep didn’t go bitter so quickly – my third time finding some in like 2 years and again – its expired. Kaak is the truth and if you don’t know, now u do. Go find some. Start by looking in Arabic bakeries.

Life is outrageous, I feel so unconnected about it all. I know one of the keys to losing/lessening my depression is to get and be more connected but people, always ALWAYS disappoint me..I mean that to say that my standards are insanely unattainable, not that people suck…although… lots do suck. But lots don’t too..ok at least some don’t. I disconnect from people for the simple fact that staying connected (ie: in touch, in tune, giving a flying freak about them, etc etc) involves me thinking about it all the time – otherwise I fall right off. I don’t know how to make space for thinking about it all the time, in my already very full head.End of the day, we do what we do because of who we are. Meaning, I will cook, clean, sing, sleep, eat,walk and fart before I really want to talk to someone. I can make the effort and talk before all of the above, but I don’t like it. I'm such an all or nothing-er eh, Like because I cant maintain any growth without losing a grip on myself, so I act like I wont even try.

I was just reading the blog from a dude/ kinda exboyfriend (we never quite got ‘there’, but loved the hell out of him, nonetheless – from day 1 ) and I feel like…There, THAT’S the last person I really wanted to be connected with?….and he’s..nothing super special, seriously. I DON’T GET WHAT IT IS. Why I liked him so much. He’s special to me like the way every child is special to their parents but...he was never right for me. So all of this to say - what the hell is chemistry for, it you dont have it with the people that are right for you

Super ranty and random today, I cant see this being interesting to read. I'm going to get on track again someday and will make this blog more about depression and how to find supports and info.

I feel like my world is moving so fast

I feel so lifted from where I was just a few weeks ago and at the same time it’s bittersweet and scary. When I was sooo upset and dark recently, the crash felt so devastating to me based on how much ‘good feelings’ I had been able to accomplish recently.. In the ‘clarity’ I sware that I have inside of my dark place, I begin to realize that my progress was a joke or a lie.
And it comes out of nowhere, sometimes feeling like the dark waits until I'm ‘happy/light’ to crash down and drown me. I'm encouraged by my therapist and my boyfriend to think of the dark me as the ‘liar’.Today I wonder if its not about making one of me ‘persons’ a lie, as much as it is accepting how real they both feel and are, when they are in control – but that I am very specifically striving to make the light place my trusted personality – the one I believe in.
Thing is, I don’t know how to believe in anything I can’t rely on, and I certainly can’t rely on my light me to stick around.
I understand that in the recent past I felt devastated because I was disappointed, I felt like the progress was undone…but really its not. Its no more undone than the past not being real because it is not present. The past is not present now, but its not a lie.
The progress may feel distant but it will come back - If I fight for it.
In so many ways I feel like I'm not in a ‘light place’ more often or more permanently, because I'm not a committed or disciplined enough fighter.
I also feel slightly set back each time. Each really bad time, I get a little shell shocked for a while.I feel like I'm rambling...

I'm glad I have somewhere to talk about this ish now though, this is good for me.
It blows my mind how ‘helpful’ talking or writing about things are.
Like I can think a thought in my head a million times, but putting them into words helps to release and quiet them.
I realize this is not a profound concept but like…why is that?
I'm a pretty introverted person, I think about everything internally before I speak about it.
I also have a hard time finding people who can follow my thoughts (not so much due to how complex it is or isn’t, but more so how quickly I move thru them and on to the next one )
I spent a LOT of my life avoiding writing and speaking because more than anything its just not naturally comfortable to me.Anywho..rambling once again.

Since starting to write about my depression here, and come clean about it with some people in my life, I'm suppppper encouraged by a few people who have gone out of the way and told me about themselves or others they know who are/have been suffering.
I don’t know how, or in what capacity but I am Determined to be part of putting some exposure on this issue.

I ‘came out’ and told my mom last Monday how serious or reoccurring my depression really is. It was a very /interesting/surreal/nice/awkward feeling and strange as hell convo. All in all, a very good and a big step in the name of ‘authenticity’ in my life, and with people in my life.
I think she took it well, and also took it as an invitation to be and feel ‘closer to me’. Although me sharing something so big, clearly supports a move towards more closeness, I'm not sure if I'm ready. Actually more like I'm pretty sure she isn’t ready.
How terribly arrogant of me to think that eh.?..That story's a whole other 12 page blog post though.