Im waiting for ketamine or ECT, ultimately thats where i am.
If i don't set some goals, all i have is being really suicidal, and thats unbearable.
I
have these steps that lead me down to the worst suicidal place, and each step gets darker and more unbearable. The last step is suicide simply because its the only way to end the anguish, not because it means ending my existence to all connected to me
In a dark and scary situation with 1 job i have.
otherwise other work is minimal but ok.
on monday i have my rtms assessment, to look at whether or not to continue. (its not helping so they might pull plug.)
Then i ask/beg
then i enter back and forth land maybe, i hope not for too long.
And i 'hang in' or not, whatever that means
im lost and upset and terrified.
Im really hoping for the ect
This blog is an experiment in sharing what my Depression feels like, possibly helping or encouraging myself and/or others.
My dark
I dont get to start my life.
I cant chase my dreams. I wait. I wait. And wait. And wait. And then here it is, here it starts and ends.
My darkness comes.
Making my skin crawl, and my face distort.
Making my dreams fall, and my safe leave.
Making me hate more than you can ever imagine being able to loath every single thought that comes to my own mind.
Takes my memories and makes them a lie.
Takes my abilities and makes them joke.
Takes my body and makes it a burden and a torture.
Takes my life and makes it impossible.
Speaking is torture. Moving is irratating.
Bathing is out of the question.
Looking in a mirror is an invitation to imagine ripping my face off.
Knowing it is all for sure is the only real thing. period.
This is what my thoughts and feelings look like when my dark comes - my depression.
