Week 2.5

OK, so i took that walk to Chapters and picked up the book "Women, Food & God" that I had just read about in Oprah's last magazine. The first chapter started with the writer holding a retreat for women, where she has them wait with their plates of food, a short while before they eat, and also speak about what the are feeling during this wait.
She highlighted how much the participants were trying to avoid what they were feeling, (often avoiding it by using food) and spoke about this avoidance brings on a greater more panicky pain, than they feelings/pain they were trying to avoid in the first place.
This is also something I read about and seems to be very incorporated in the "mindful way through depression" book/course i am doing, and just mindfulness overall..."the compassionate approach" as they say. Being mindful of the emotions you have, trying not to judge or feel about them, simply to 'observe' them.
Kinda like being an objective scientist with your own inner world. I did this, cause objective observation is right up my alley..just that its super difficult to do with your own feelings. Difficult cause i suppose we are never taught or shown how to do this.

I realized how much i was fighting and resisting the depression because really,  I did not come all this way and take this 'sabbatical' to be depressed when i got here. At least, that's what I ideally didn't want.
But basically this author in the first chapter of the chicks food and jebus book, spoke directly on not resisting what you feel. Something i do, with depression explicitly...basically because it blows, and also because i always figure that embracing it would cause me to stay in it, and bond with a depressed mind state.

So, the fresh air, the brisk walk and the book, which i bought for $30 -holy hell (i love books, but i almost never buy them full price) was a good start.
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Monday i worked out and started my "Mindful way through depression" book, which first chapter was all about a completely different approach to depression, starting with and defined by mainly, not resisting the feelings. It also helped me to sort of define my depression, not within the medical terms (acute, chronic etc etc) but in its seriousness and depth. 

STRONGLY recommend reading this first chapter, if you or anyone you know suffers with depression. Or anxiety/stress/unhappiness in any 'i cant control this as i ideally would like to' capacity.


They said how most people experience their first case of depression in their early adult or late teens, and how much more likely it is to re-occur once its experienced once.
Since I can remember my first few years of depression being around age 10, and then on and off till i was maybe 16, and then just took over by 18 years old, i probably have a uber persistent type of depression... or at least its just unfortunate it started so young, cause now its so damn...persistent.

They also said that the 'more often we've been depressed in the past, the more sad mood will also bring with it feelings of low self esteem and self blame'.
That's profound for me.
I thought i just genuinely hated myself, and that my depression surfaced these feelings. I also thought it more to do with some abuse and bullying i endured as a kid...maybe not so much.

They claim 'they have discovered that the combination of western cognitive science, and eastern practices was just what is needed to break the cycle of recurrent depression'.
I can see many ways and aspects of this philosophy that i completely intellectually respect. (in terms of some of my previous research on eastern philosophy, and benefits of meditation)

Good thing, cause i tend not to do anything i cant fully and completely understand and actually believe in. Which sincerely has left me as a 'non particpating' human being at times..aka religions, committed relationships..sometimes even friendships...

Tuesday and Wednesday i barely worked out, and felt quite horrible.
Thursday i did, and i feel just dandy.
Moral of that story is, no more off days. Maybe one off day, but even then, a good long walk.
This is the commitment I'm making to myself for the next week.

If I do have a specific type of depression, its one that is blocked and reversed by intense working out, at least temporarily.
Not saying that i always work out intensely, but its so apparent how  I am lifted, when its intense.
High impact interval training specifically.
It makes me think that maybe i should seek out a career that involves working out everyday.

Week 2

Im my effort to document this trippy trip im on, im making myself do this entry despite my thoughts of how rediculous it is for me to be spouting this purely hopeless, hard to follow and or give a shit about, depressing BS of mine.

I feel like ass.

I had hopes of writing some songs, and even have some incredible production given to me to write to, by serious and talented industry connects who actually believed me when i told them i was a song writer..then again i was a song writer when i told them i was cause in that moment that i said it, i believed it.
Now i do not. and have come up with some really stupid half ass melodys to maybe 3 bars of 2 tracks.

I was hoping to eat right and feel better. I havent and im not.

I worked out yesterday and had my first decent day of feeling ok.
I havnet worked out today and feel quite like getting hit by a car when i go for a walk in a few mintues would be just perfect....a fatal hit. please.

I just spoke to my step dad who is being an incredible support and pretty much the active and helpful parent that ive never had, throughout this process, and he suggested i go for a walk. good call, brisk walk and ipod with Nina simones After hours compilation is pretty the only thing i am capable of, that is slightly more constructive that sedating myself with tv and food and herb.


I came all this way and freed myself from my life and obligations and.....nothing.
nothing different in my brain, still a hostage.


for now.

Week 1

im here
ive "started"
I havent done much yet, im about 3 days into being in this small northern ont city, staying with my step sister, and in an effort to not beat myself up, i will try not to mention how little ive done, and how much ive slept.

I wish i could get connected to life already.

I strangly am thinking about what a nice distraction a baby might be....rediculous. Must be my brain coming up with the dumbest ideas ever to create a diversion from the task at hand.

If i had had that baby, it would be 3 years old now. holy shit.

So yea, im giving myself one week max, of continuing to not do all the things im soppused to be doing, and then i will pursue with the self verbal abuse untill I get my ass in gear.
(I have worked out, just haven't started the reading/meditating.)

What if nothing i do makes any difference?
What if what i need has nothing to do with my cognitive efforts? (meaning what if what i  need is some immaculate love, or jesus/buddah/yusee induced emancipation)
What if my pursuit to be non depressed and somewhat successful boardering on amazing is  misinformed and impossibility, whereby accepting my mediocre status and depressed state is the key?

what if i give all of my what if's way to much credibility?

I think i need to go all out and create one of those big ass vision boards i have always made fun of in my mind.

ok, that is what i will make this weeks task into.
yeehaw.