Empty

She lifts her skirt up to her knees,


walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing.
I never learned to count my blessings,
I choose instead to dwell in my disasters.

I walk on down the hill,
through grass, grown tall and brown
and still its hard somehow to let go of my pain.

On past the busted back of that old and rusted Cadillac
that sinks into this field, collecting rain.
Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged.


And of these cut-throat busted sunsets,
these cold and damp white mornings
I have grown weary.

If through my cracked and dusted dime-store lips
I spoke these words out loud would no one hear me?

Lay your blouse across the chair,
let fall the flowers from from your hair
and kiss me with that country mouth, so plain.

Outside, the rain is tapping on the leaves,
to me it sounds like they're applauding us the the quiet love we've made.
Will I always feel this way?

So empty, so estranged.

Well I looked my demons in the eyes,
laid bare my chest, said "Do your best, destroy me.
You see, I've been to hell and back so many times,
I must admit you kind of bore me."

There's a lot of things that can kill a man,
there's a lot of ways to die,
listen, some already did that walked beside me.

There's a lot of things I don't understand,
why so many people lie.
Its the hurt I hide that fuels the fire inside me.

Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged.

Some pretty Depressing thoughts from a person who claims to not feel Depressed right now.

Ok,
I know I suffer with Chronic Depression (meaning Im prone to hopeless fits of despair and self loathing) but looonngg before I can remember having those fits, I remember being pretty devastated with the pointlessness of life. I hit me around age 12.

One could argue ( and by one, I mean one part of myself literally does argue) that my disconnection with people, life and joy, is what made me feel that way at such an early age. But I still, about 15 years later, grapple with this emptiness (aka pointlessness, aka randomness, aka not a damn clue what the point of existence is) at least once a day, completely (from what I can see) regardless of how dark or bright I am feeling.
I
ve been travelling visiting family for the last few days, and I have been pretty bright - feeling pretty good. I get to escape my extremely cold basement apartment and aloneness, and be around these fam members who are; Happy, hopeful, kind to me, connected to each other, generous and (my fab part) pretty halirious.
I get to engulf myself in their seemingly non depressed world (you can never be sure, i act pretty not depressed really well, about 98% of the time) and pretend i actually belong in it. The one thing that always and eventually 'comes up' and reminds me that I don’t belong in this happy world, is any mention of future - either theirs or mine. I instantly feel uncomfortable, or sad, or reminded that I have no hope or clue about future. And aware of how not normal it is that everyone else around me is pretty excited/hopeful about future, and I am not and I have to hide It.

Back to my first point tho, like right now, Im not in a cloud of hate with myself at all. I look and feel pretty decent today, and Im under no pressure of having to face or deal with some uncomfortable person or situation. Im not completely broke (reeeallly close, but as long as i have about $40 in the bank I feel like I will make it to next payday) and I dont have to work tomorrow. Im even looking forward to seeing one particular person tomorrow. All of this to say, this is how I feel and yet, here I am contemplating and really quite bothered yet again, by the pointlessness of life. Overwhelmed by it really, just that Im so used to it that its like a heading spinning carousel ride, that I know to close my eyes on.

Like I said when I was around 12 I became pretty obsessed (it felt more like an attack, because i wanted to escape the subject and thoughts) with whether or not: Their was a God(s), what it/they made us/earth for, and if they did or didn't communicate with us (humans), and if they "cared" or had a plan.
I prayed ALOT, Tried to comprehend and intellectually respect the bible (failed miserably every time, still do) and tried to feel some sort of conviction or resonating feeing within myself concerning any religion. (i read a bunch of world religion ish) I found myself a philosophy book in chapters, and started to read one after another thinking ' here, i found the world of people who think like me' meaning, they asked alot of questions's about the state of humanity and were pretty much tortured over the relative-ness and subjective-ness of all info available.
I felt like I had been sucked into a world of jargon (its practically like Shakespear. I used a philosophers dictionary to understand half of the terms) egos, and eventually sadness, just as hopeless as my own world.
Now alot has changed, im not obsessed with finding the truth, and Im pretty resolved with the fact that the creator(s) have decided at this time, not to contact me or fullfill my inner longing for truth and the meaning of life. (and by resovled I mean, I worked realllllyyy hard at not thinking about it, and now I barely do) However, the lack of knowing still translates into frustration when I feel how empty/random and pointless this all is.

If theres no point, and yet all this pain and suffering is simultaneously going on all the time...everrrywhere....ALL THE TIME..That thought alone can throw me into a fit of numbness if I let it.

Fak, I feel like I’ve lost my point.
I think it went like this:

Besides and outside of my depression, there is a different and much realer emptiness waiting for me. Always.
I can beat this depression I think, I can at least get it under control (my goal being one horrible break down a year, max) but I cant beat the state of exsistance lacking a meaning or a knowing of why.
And the implication of that fact, how it makes everything I do pointless is.....discouraging.