continum

i was almost halfway to the bridge where i planned to end it, but i couldn't go thru with it.
mostly because i had just broke up with dwayne, and i didnt want him to have to live with thinking it was his fault.
its really not his fault, my need to end it all.

i wonder if I'm going to leave tomoro, or next week.
i wonder when ill have the strength to put down my foot and think...dont hug me anymore. and mean it

or THIS quote from tobeaslut.com :

"There are feelings you wonder if you will ever feel again. “I love your face. Like, so much so. Everything about it is something I find to be so appealing and handsome – a face I would want to spend forever with if I believed in forevers.”

will i ever actually feel that way again?

cause I've loved dudes and not had that feeling for a long time,cause i didn't know it would still exist for me.

im so sick

so sick of what he did and who he really is in his worst self.

he's even ignoring me now i think

i can't stomach it

suicuidal nightmare imaginings is all i have

Ketamine day 5

or i should say, 5th dose.

Im not better. Im still suicidal and overwhelmed everyday.
I also get bits of determinedness to complete only my daily tasks.
I put off a lot
I vacillate between being very skeptically determined, and being very panicked and suicidal.

people asking how i am, is officially the worst part(s) of my day.
Even those that know whats going on.

My wishful answers are:
Im unbearably horrible
I just want to die
Im panicking about being alive

I mostly answer with 'I'm not ok', and hold my breath hoping who ever it is doesn't push for more explanation.

I just dosed myself on 225mg of Ketamine, i should be heading off to tranquillized land soon.

I may or may not be asked to shoot a music video in a few weeks, and the idea is so preposterous, it makes me laugh.
then cry

Always crying, lots and lots and lots of crying.
like tearing up, not all out balling.

I dont barely let myself ball, it feels horrible.

Im preoccupying myself with trying to find an affordable keyboard (musical) for which to replace the one of mine that just broke, telling myself that i need to/should try to play / connect to music.

I have a sick feeling i will get one and it will sit and collect dust just like this one has been for months now.

Life is unbearable for me, and I've never felt more trapped.

ketamine day 3

I think it might be helping.
My Psychistrist Dr McCormick read me the protocol that the hospital psychiatrist Dr. Downar had sent him on ketamine and it said 'if you think it maybe helping, then its not' meaning, its supposed to be very very obvious that its helping.

but i still say maybe, cause I'm only one week in, and not up to the highest dose yet.

I do feel a bit better, but i feel very lost.
I feel like I've lost my ability to do things.
especially music.

It seems to be under the blanket of fear that has seemed to cover everything now.

Today I don't have a busy enough day, and that is torture.
But I'm also aware its not as torturous as it was a week ago.

I got some financial help from some one in my family, so I'm also wondering if thats partly why i think the ketamine might be working. Since money is worry about every 15 mins.

I think about how i used to wish for free time, so that i could write or record.
and now I'm here, free, and just scared.

My grandparents funeral is this weekend, and i have a scary feeling ill be thinking about my own attempted suicide the whole time.
I wanted to be buried with my gramma, and i keep thinking about that.
When i was in the hospital i felt weirdly close to my grams, not like she was there, but  like close to going where she was.

It feels like it took me many months to come to terms with the fact that i was really going to end it all, and now that I'm here and I'm starting to not feel  suicidal every 10 mins, I can't figure out what to do. feels like starting life brand new.

Sort of reflected in how i can't figure out how to dress or do my makeup in a way that i like.
which scares me cause....has my creativity been striped from me?

Ive become somewhat consumed with how hard i perceive growing old is going to be.
I just never planned to be 30 and I can't imagine being here for 30 more years and then some.
When i think of this, i become suicidal.

Dr Downer said he got me accepted in the women's college hospital Trauma program, which is a bunch of diff talk therapies.
Im anxious about it, I wonder if talking about my father (aka my trauma qualifier) will help me at all.
I feel like I've talked about him quite a bit in therapy in the past, and obviously...i still got here.
Meaning, i don't know how talking about him or the past helps me at this point.
But I am hoping for the the DBT therapy, which is supposed to be designed for people who can't handle how strong their feelings are.

I def can't handle mine.

I am consumed with 'what is life going to look like'?
since i have to be here.

Im still wishing daily for a disease that could take me out..so i guess this ketamine isn't working yet.

ketamine day 2

it goes like this:

i take it every three days. I up my dose every time by 1/4 the amount. I keep upping my dose until a) we know its working b) I hallucinate.

Usually its shot up in you, in the hospital, but now they are letting people do pills, even though some psychiatrist don't believe pills are as effective as intravenous. Its only being investigated, and some of us are lucky enough to be getting it as a aggressive (desperate) measure.

Its effects (high) lasts only 2, or 3 hours and then its out of my system. Its the next day(s) i could start feeling better depression wise

So when i took it the first day, i felt it was a tranquillizer. It is actually used as a analgesic. Both pharmacists asked why i was being put on it. Saying Depression (and then eye contact) is wack.

I laid in bed with lights off and no sound, like the doctor told me too, and i just felt high and tranquillized. then back to normal about 2.5 hours later.



So now its 2 days after i took it and i def don't feel better. scared and neurotic.

sleepy.

upset with my days and self and everyone

so heavy

What i really want people to know

if i was ever to leave, and leave all  the questions with you all, it would be - depression took me.
I would really really want people to try to understand that depression, a disease that kills, killed me.

I didn't get a chance to be someone who could answer your questions.

I didn't get to make music
i didn't get to have friends and loves
i didn't get to figure out a career
i didn't get to be a person who is happy to be living life
i didn't get to anything

and if its keeping me from it all, then the end feels so.. genuine.

there it is, the subscribing to and from death.
like committing to and from it.

series of emotional commitments leading down the steps

 there might be something to an adhd diagnosis actually happening.

the worst part is, right now i don't hardly hear music inside, and THAT shit is depressing.

Ketamine tomorrow

A few days ago they stopped the TMS, as they determined it wasn't helping. The dr also explained to me that my MRI scan showed the type of brain they are least successful with, with TMS


Tomorrow I start what seems to be the most promising and risky drug I've been given - ketamine
http://www.bbc.com/news/health-26647738


Yesterday I found out it is very expensive, around 200$ a month, and isn't covered as it is a compound...
So I was terribly upset and unsure how it's going to work out, if it does In fact work.
Keeping in mind I've been on about a dozen drugs that haven't helped, I waiver between slightly hoping tomorrow will be different, and knowing it won't be.

I don't know how I'll be able to affor the drug, and living expenses, cause the truth is I can't.
I don't know how I'll be able to work enough to live, if I don't get better soon.

I cry approx every hour, and want only to die.
I do think I've given up on finding a way to do it, since seeing my step dad break down about about it.

I can't imagine how I'm soppused to keep functioning the way I have been, (on my own, acting as normal as I can) if the ketamine doesn't work

I'm still here, and I'm so angry that I have to be