rando commando

I wish a lot of people would not get me Christmas presents – I feel bad about receiving them. Then again I eventually forget I feel bad and generally use/enjoy the gift if its usuable/enjoyable. Maybe I'm an ass and I don’t actually care? (like if i eventually enjoy the gift)

I'm bi sexual and wondering if now that I'm in a relationship with a guy, does it means girls should be off limits? Such a double standard but with a girl it doesn’t seem to feel like it would be cheating at all.

WTF Nokio from Dru Hill is gay?.. and is dressing the part like..he looks quite difference and fierce. When did this happen? (as if I have my hand on any pulse at all..) Kudo’s to him to being true to himself, but damn I had a very serious crush on him in grade 9 he looks sooooooooooooooo diff.

I can’t seem to figure out if I'm happy in my relationship or not, and I think that most of the ambivalence has nothing to do with my actual boyfriend. Being with someone can make me feel so friggen lonely sometimes. I feel lost and more unsure about myself more than I do when I'm alone. I find a lot of my girl friends to be the opposite (lost and unsure when they are single). The first sentence of this paragraph isn’t what I actually mean. Its not that I cant figure out if I'm ‘happy’.. its just him and I are a picture that keeps changing shapes. I don’t really dislike any of the shapes, I just don’t know what it all means.

I wish Mahlep didn’t go bitter so quickly – my third time finding some in like 2 years and again – its expired. Kaak is the truth and if you don’t know, now u do. Go find some. Start by looking in Arabic bakeries.

Life is outrageous, I feel so unconnected about it all. I know one of the keys to losing/lessening my depression is to get and be more connected but people, always ALWAYS disappoint me..I mean that to say that my standards are insanely unattainable, not that people suck…although… lots do suck. But lots don’t too..ok at least some don’t. I disconnect from people for the simple fact that staying connected (ie: in touch, in tune, giving a flying freak about them, etc etc) involves me thinking about it all the time – otherwise I fall right off. I don’t know how to make space for thinking about it all the time, in my already very full head.End of the day, we do what we do because of who we are. Meaning, I will cook, clean, sing, sleep, eat,walk and fart before I really want to talk to someone. I can make the effort and talk before all of the above, but I don’t like it. I'm such an all or nothing-er eh, Like because I cant maintain any growth without losing a grip on myself, so I act like I wont even try.

I was just reading the blog from a dude/ kinda exboyfriend (we never quite got ‘there’, but loved the hell out of him, nonetheless – from day 1 ) and I feel like…There, THAT’S the last person I really wanted to be connected with?….and he’s..nothing super special, seriously. I DON’T GET WHAT IT IS. Why I liked him so much. He’s special to me like the way every child is special to their parents but...he was never right for me. So all of this to say - what the hell is chemistry for, it you dont have it with the people that are right for you

Super ranty and random today, I cant see this being interesting to read. I'm going to get on track again someday and will make this blog more about depression and how to find supports and info.

I feel like my world is moving so fast

I feel so lifted from where I was just a few weeks ago and at the same time it’s bittersweet and scary. When I was sooo upset and dark recently, the crash felt so devastating to me based on how much ‘good feelings’ I had been able to accomplish recently.. In the ‘clarity’ I sware that I have inside of my dark place, I begin to realize that my progress was a joke or a lie.
And it comes out of nowhere, sometimes feeling like the dark waits until I'm ‘happy/light’ to crash down and drown me. I'm encouraged by my therapist and my boyfriend to think of the dark me as the ‘liar’.Today I wonder if its not about making one of me ‘persons’ a lie, as much as it is accepting how real they both feel and are, when they are in control – but that I am very specifically striving to make the light place my trusted personality – the one I believe in.
Thing is, I don’t know how to believe in anything I can’t rely on, and I certainly can’t rely on my light me to stick around.
I understand that in the recent past I felt devastated because I was disappointed, I felt like the progress was undone…but really its not. Its no more undone than the past not being real because it is not present. The past is not present now, but its not a lie.
The progress may feel distant but it will come back - If I fight for it.
In so many ways I feel like I'm not in a ‘light place’ more often or more permanently, because I'm not a committed or disciplined enough fighter.
I also feel slightly set back each time. Each really bad time, I get a little shell shocked for a while.I feel like I'm rambling...

I'm glad I have somewhere to talk about this ish now though, this is good for me.
It blows my mind how ‘helpful’ talking or writing about things are.
Like I can think a thought in my head a million times, but putting them into words helps to release and quiet them.
I realize this is not a profound concept but like…why is that?
I'm a pretty introverted person, I think about everything internally before I speak about it.
I also have a hard time finding people who can follow my thoughts (not so much due to how complex it is or isn’t, but more so how quickly I move thru them and on to the next one )
I spent a LOT of my life avoiding writing and speaking because more than anything its just not naturally comfortable to me.Anywho..rambling once again.

Since starting to write about my depression here, and come clean about it with some people in my life, I'm suppppper encouraged by a few people who have gone out of the way and told me about themselves or others they know who are/have been suffering.
I don’t know how, or in what capacity but I am Determined to be part of putting some exposure on this issue.

I ‘came out’ and told my mom last Monday how serious or reoccurring my depression really is. It was a very /interesting/surreal/nice/awkward feeling and strange as hell convo. All in all, a very good and a big step in the name of ‘authenticity’ in my life, and with people in my life.
I think she took it well, and also took it as an invitation to be and feel ‘closer to me’. Although me sharing something so big, clearly supports a move towards more closeness, I'm not sure if I'm ready. Actually more like I'm pretty sure she isn’t ready.
How terribly arrogant of me to think that eh.?..That story's a whole other 12 page blog post though.

Im Changing my story.

So, when I started this blog few weeks ago I was in a bad place. (aka hopeless, sad dark place/ depressed place) it lifted slowly over the time since, and I'm pretty damn satisfied today.

My life feels ok, my reflection in the mirror is ‘watever’ (meaning, ‘its cool’ – its not terrifying..not all that relevant really) My future has possibilites I can actually think about. Strangers on the street are not all monsters and victims. I wonder if part of my feeling decent and sane, is because I'm doing this blog, and trying to ‘come out’ about this depression, to some close people in my life.

Starting this blog specifically marks the week in my life where I decided to believe that the depression I have is Chronic, and is not my battle to fight it to the death - everyday...maybe even ever. This is Part 1. Improving my lifes circumstances (which i have done since going on meds) was necessary and a great thing to do, but it doesn't cancel out the depression. The pressure to overcome this depression, while all time pretending to the world it isn't here, is the pressure I want to alleviated.A fakeness i want to stop. So far it feels alleviated/stopped within myself. I think - ill know for sure in a few months if i still feel its absence.

Part 2 of this new movement in me, is that I share with a few people how much I do suffer. So to alleviate the pressure i have within each relationship. I told my aunt last week, I plan to tell my mom, next monday. Without launching into a book about how much my family does not share feelings , i'll just say. ..this is insanely awkward for me. Like most things im nervous about, im sure it will be not as awkward as i currently feel that it will be.

So here is the story/message I have told/shown all close people mostly family, in my life (and tried to believe in myself )

“ we all know I was kinda a sad little kid and had an especially rough time age 15-20, we all know I started meds for depression at 21, we’ve seen since then Ive actually kept a job and worked really hard on myself and my life (I stopped lying, I think that’s the biggest thing people in my life prob felt – that they could trust me again) , and all areas have shown great improvements. So yea, I’m good…well traveled on the road of personal recovery and on my way to being normal, things are cool..im happy with my life…etc."

This is the story I'm SO sick of telling. It would be entirely true if I just added that ..

“oh, by the way, I break down every 8-10 weeks or so, and meditate on suicidal thoughts (not literally meditate - but thats how much i think about it) im hopeless, and i shock myself with more hate for moreself than i can feel. I cry for days on end, I turn of the phone and flop on all my friends and any pending opportunity with music or any other progressive thing I have going on. I also eat until I am sick (literally – ill spare the details) I sleep for days at a time."

And throughout, while im in this dark place, I constantly remind myself that now I really am a huge lier and I really do have to kill myself, cause look at how I’ve got everyone fooled with 'the story'.

Its almost worst then ever. Thats a lie, its not worse, its just a new dark message, and its a new kind of intense which is scary. I dont need new scary..

SO, im going to dispell the story. Starting with myself. This has felt pretty good so far.
cheers to me.
and F U to the reoccuring dark.

I'm blessed

Ok first of all, I was looking over this blog and realized Id like to write about something other than ‘this is what my depressed thoughts look like’ cause…its depressing.
(pun so fully intended)
and to be fair and real, I do have tons and tons of non-depressed thoughts and reflections.
To give an accurate portrayal of my world and how depression effects it, its important to share and take into consideration, my many blessings and happyness’s.
I often hold myself in contempt over the very fact that I'm seemingly extremely ungrateful for all I do have, since I do have so much, and am still so upset so often.

Example #1 - My boyfriend of almost 10 months.

Our first conversation ever was all about our journey’s so far in discovery of, and in the name of, Self-Development…
in a club. Like we had this convo in a danceclub. who does that? (Me! I do..)

He knew and loved Wayne Dyer just like I do.
He spoke very directly, and carefully.
He had this authenticity about him that made me so comfortable.

And I knew he had something no other guy I’ve ever been involved with had, when about 2 months into us, I nervously (and poorly) described how I was feeling one oh so depressed day, and he said ‘Oh, your heads being loud eh? Yea, I know that place, I know exactly what that’s like’.
At that point we had had enough convo, with him always asking me questions upon questions about myself until he understood the full scope, and endless things related on, for me to know that he did know what I meant.
And yes, my head was being loud. What a cool way to say it.

Just 2 weekends ago, after spending most of my week spiraling down, I came into the weekend full of suicidal thoughts, relentless self hatred and panicked tears.
This man sits with me on my bed, with unwavering focus and love in his eyes, and tells me that even though my thoughts feel real - they aren't.
I frustratingly debated with him about how true my thoughts are, how the convo is soooo relative, and how real my dark world was feeling so therefore is, while he calmly and patiently refuted each of my morbid arguments . ‘The place your in isn’t real, and it will pass don’t fight it, just acknowledge it’ is what he said. Interesting eh?. Makes think of the bible verse ‘this too shall pass’ (also a great India Irie song – big tune) I'm still working on thoroughly understanding that concept and trying it out, I feel like faith is apart of it.
I'm still figuring out that one too.

About 45 mins in the tortured convo, I felt so much love for him and in the next second,felt my morbid dark lift away. This is HUGE, since I have to go the bed and wakeup in a new day (usually a few times) before I feel a lift from the heaviness. Suddenly the movie we were planning to take to nephews too that afternoon stopped being a horribly stressful affair in my mind, and started looking like a pretty cool way to spend our Sunday aft.

The point of it all (big tune again ha) is - what an amazing dude eh?

‘Letting people in’ has been a tortured thing for me. I'm one of those introverted semi typical ‘girl with walls up’ ones. I never ever thought a person could do what he does for me.

I'm blessed.

I want just 1 Voice

Basically, I just REALLY dont want my present to be my future. I want some sort of understanding, that there is a path, or action plan for me. I NEED this one comfort of knowing that im 'getting there'
That a change is gon' come. (big tune)

This is my fear/thought 'What is my life going to look like in the future , if im not sure how to change/better myself now and essentially get better' ?

Its going to look the same as today, thats what, and I really really dont want that.
I feel like, if im still fighting to live when im in my 30's or 40's, then I really and truly rather die now.

In 5 years +I dont want to still be fighting, and trying to figure out, how I can have at least a year long stretch where I dont long for death.
I want to do the work NOW and get there.
Im willing to do anything thats reasonable, Im a hard worker.
I want the chance to be an amazing person and live an amazing life.
A person who can be relied on to be the same amazing person tomorrow, as I was yesterday.

When I do have children, I want to be a mother who is a rock. I dont want to have babies, while im still crying for days on end in secret, in the bathroom.
I want to be a singer who can love what she does. I don't want to write music and loath it at the same time. I want to be knowledgable and experienced in giving myself the patience I need, to grow as a musician.

I just need to know that someday, I can and will be solid.
Solid enough to do what my hero's have done, and live how they have. Not in terms of what they've achieved, but to have the 'one clear voice' which represents their character.
...cause right now the voice(s) of my character varies from being unsuredly hopeful to being sure that pain is all there is for me.

Fight the Fight

A lot of time has been spent today thinking about ‘the fight’. Meaning, fighting to not allow the depression constantly put a pause on my life and my happiness/potential happiness. ( I put a slash there cause I'm not quite there) And the energy it takes for me to put up ‘the fight’. Here are my main points of question and thoughts

I break down approx every 6/8 weeks but hide it from everyone.
Then I spend a fair amount of time pretending to be ok, prob around %50 of my time.
Pretending to be ok means - At worst, I pretend to be non suicidal, not numb, not on the verge of tears, and most of all not saying/thinking ‘ I don’t give a good goddamned shit about what your saying’ to everything everyone says, AND everything that I think about. At Best, this pretending means i feel funny/odd ranging to sometimes very fake, about interacting with life and people. I feel exsausted by it too, just tired from living. In this state I function at least – I get out of bed, shower, work, talk, but I don’t do anything that requires feeling decent about myself, I don’t do anything that really matters to me. (write music/sing. Have a meaningful convo with someone. Workout, make plans) I also don’t eat well, and/or I overeat/ eat food like it’s a drug when I'm in this state.

Then I spend somewhere around 30-45% of my time, actually feeling pretty fine. Not really happy or inspired or excited, but decent. I give pushes in this state. I try to do things where I need to feel good about myself. I fail a lot, but I try in this state.
I get really truly happy or filled up with love/live or inspired about 5% of the time. Its rare, and people who are really close to me usually comment on how odd it is.

So…Should I stop pretending that I’m ok ? – (to a certain extend. I wont actually tell everyone I don’t give a good goddamn, but I will ‘come out’ and tell maybe my closest friends and fam the truth) in order to
a) be and feel more authentic?
b) possibly become the slightly more outwardly dysfunctional person in the ‘name of’ (hope of) become the more functional person in future ?
Meaning…maybe I could/would finally take that sick leave my therapist has been saying I should, and then I could do 6 or 8 weeks..(or months..?)..of more intensive therapies. Build some kind of a foundation. ..? Make some kind of progress to where I have a better handle and actual real coping mechanisms/activities … ?
and c) solicit the apparently uber important (often highlighted in books and by ‘experts’) thing called ‘support’ or a support system/network. I'm pretty doubtful of this since I feel that you can’t know what its like for me, unless you suffer yourself. My sister and mom who know I have episodes and I'm medicated, but don’t know to the extent or severity I suffer, have asked me questions and say things that they really truly believe are helpful, relevant or supportive. I generally want to bash my head into a wall, or scream at them in reply. (this is highly contributed by the fact that they are family - and that we were never super close, also that I am uncomfortable to talk about depression with people who i know, and I become more unreasonable and impatient than I normally would about anything else)

My next thought is..I was born to fight this condition. Its all I can to. I have to wait until my %35-40 block of feeling decent comes and use it to the best of my ability to overcome my depression and to also take steps towards making my life better. Ill break down for you what those 2 things look like.

‘Overcoming Depression’ Or maybe it should be called controlling or treating it.
- Working out Every.Single. Day. I get a ‘lift’ from my dark when I do this.
Doing some form of Cardio, more on the intense side, at least 4 times a week. I actually get a high from this, I feel the best I ever ever feel Mentally and Emotionally when I do this.
- Go to therapy at least once a week. Lots of talking, guidance, direction and reflection
- Practice Mindfull meditation at least once a day. Should be doing it 3 times a day eventually
- Practice a self love mantra. Basically think about why I do or should love myself, ( have a written mantra) Look at baby pics of me…create a self love feeling.
- Practice being present to critical and negative thoughts, and detach my self from them. So actively think of them as just thoughts or feelings, and not truth.
- Research, learn and oversome the binge eating/ emotional eating.

These seem pretty easy/not impossible, yet I haven’t done one of those things for at least 2 weeks..some of them 6 weeks. Resisting is an understatement.

‘Make my life better’ Do things for myself, make plans, make goals etc
- Think about going back to school. I work a deadend job that means nothing to me. I cant advance and/or get another job cause I have no education in my field. Simple right? Go back to school. I check into school and feel hopeless and overwhelmed. I don’t have the money. I cant manage full time school, I don’t do well in school.lots and lots of reasons/doubts.
- Sing. Write.Record. Practice. Reach out to that dozen of great producers that want to work with me. Finish a song. Find ways to get $ to get an album done. Explore where I can perform. Reach out to the dozen of musicians who have shown that they want to jam/write with me.
- Share myself. Write something. Volunteer for one of the many causes I care about. Go out! (huge..im a hermit) mingle with people and learn to enjoy some sort of social scene.
- Organize, clean, make your home one you can enjoy

I haven’t done the first 2 things in months.
I half ass the second 2 things.

I have a dialogue running in my head (one of a few) where I am feeling bad about being and feeling relatively ok today. It goes like this:

‘Remember how you felt on the weekend?, remember how it built up for weeks before that and you knew you were going to lose it all again, sometime soon?’ ‘

yes I remember, I always remember. And every time the dark comes back I hate myself for all the moments I didn’t remember.’

‘Well That’s real, and it’s never going away. Why are you pretending to be ok? ‘
I know but I start to figure I should just make the most of whatever time I do have. That precious time where I can breath and I don’t feel like I'm pretending entirely’

‘ but Monday and Tuesday the weekend had sobered you up to the truth, so you felt pretty numb to most things…now its Thursday and yesterday you started to smile here and there, and think about what you do like about your life. Like your boyfriend, and your cat, and your hair..this morning for about 6 minutes you LIKED your hair. What a shithead you are, your so full of crap. You and I both know you hate your hair, you hate your hair yourself and your life.’

‘I didn’t today’

‘yea, well you will again, and you know it always comes sooner than you think it will.

This is pretty annoying but its also nothing compared to the dialogue when I actually try to do something I really want to do. A lot of the times music, recording, or writing a song. Or it could just be cooking, or cleaning, or helping my grandma. Anything where I want a good result. That dialogue goes like this:

‘ok concentrate, relax. Now go ahead and start singing..’

‘ you sound like shit. Your tone deaf, you cant even hear all the notes your hitting that are wrong.

‘its ok let go Jessica. Shutup dark’

‘You are pathetic. Listen to yourself during this playback – you sound mediocre at best.’

This self considers, listens, compares herself to the better singers and realizes she is mediocre. ‘ ok fine, I’m mediocre, but I enjoy this. This isn’t about being the best, its just about me doing what I want to do. so Shutup already’

Alrite keep going, you and I both know your goin to give up within 20 minutes…go ahead prove me right.

I get stuck on a line, or cant find the right words, or don’t feel right about a chord and I get agitated.

‘see you do suck’

‘ok fine I suck, I'm not stopping though, I'm still going to try’

‘cool, but now that you’re a lil frustrated you know that your ideas are going to start disappearing and your stomach is starting to turn. You start feeling your body hate itself and you start screwing up the notes that just 2 minutes ago you were hitting perfectly.

'having this debate with myself is retarded, i dont want to quit again

you will in about 10 mins…I always know you better than this fake side does.’


Ok this isn't exactly how it is, like i feel like this is kind of condensed. There is more dialouge and lots of times its 3 and 4 thoughts at a time, but this sums it up pretty well. Its exausting, and its embarressing. Like i get embarressed and feel shameful in the moment. (even tho no one is aware of it but me) The fact that I cant just commit to doing something - let go of the doubts and just do it, is pathetic.
I CANT - and thats pityfull.

Intro - part 2

This ‘blog’ is an experiment in sharing, and possibly helping/encouraging myself and/or others.
I’ve been thinking about, battling with the very concept of, and waging a war against ‘depression’ for a looooong time.
Only in the last year or so have I come to understand how much this ‘illness’ is running my life. Stealing it really.

I don’t want to bond to my pain or this title. I don’t want to even identify with it so much, or think about it a lot.
I have a theory that part of the problem in this world is the amount of time we spending feeding energy in to our ‘problems’ by keeping them constantly in our thoughts and words. (not a concept I created - obviously)

Howeveeeerrrrr, I've come to understand that I spend a good 98% of my life ignoring this fact about myself and pretending not at all to feel all the things I do, or have the thoughts I do.
I certainly don’t share them with the people in my life.
I’m very convinced there is no point. I’ve never had to tell myself ‘most people wont relate’, because they very clearly don’t. I know I'm not alone in this, in terms of the whole wide world, but I don’t have anyone remotely near me who I can relate my experience of depression with.
I call it my dark, I always have.
The word depression is clinical, and vague, and full of stigmas, and ultimately subjective to (or defined by) whoever uses it.
There’s a feeling of fakeness I want to change in my world, and I feel like it will bring me a sense of being more grounded if I do this.

I won’t expect people in my life to understand me the way my therapist does, but I do want to make a choice to start being honest about what I go thru, despite the fact that everything inside of me tells me ‘shutup and keep it to myself’.

I have an autobiography piece I'm working on, that I’ll include as soon as its done.

I cant start my life.
I cant chase my dreams. I wait. I wait. And wait. And wait.
And then here it is, here it starts and ends. My darkness comes.
Making my skin crawl, and my face distort.
Making my dreams fall, and my safe leave.
Making me hate more than you can ever imagine being able to loath every single thought that comes to mind.
Takes my memories and makes them a lie.
Takes my abilities and makes them joke.
Takes my body and makes it a burden and a torture.
Takes my life and makes it impossible.
Speaking is torture. Moving is irratating.
Bathing is out of the question.
Looking in a mirror is an invitation to imagine ripping my face off.
Knowing it is all for sure is the only real thing. period.

This is what my thoughts and feelings look like when my dark comes.
( my depression)

It doesn't happen everyday tho - so I hope to share my other less horrific self, when its around too.