alone everywhere its the same. alienation when asked 'how are u', or even more so ' are u doing better now'. it was the same when everyone and their mom talks about how 'the alchemist' changed their lives. or the secret. When they realized it was a strength from within. or a desire. or a power. what about when darkness is all there is from within. if i had the balls, or any real courage, id really really leave.

suicide

Ive been extremely suicidal for weeks now. By extremely i mean i can't stop thinking about it, imagining it, and longing for it all day.lots of intrusive thoughts that are violent and scary. I am tortured by the ways that i am not equipped to kill myself, i don't have a gun or poison etc. Then i settle on jumping off a bridge. yesterday i decided when my boyfriend left i would take a lot of pills to sedate me (my sleeping pills and antidepressants) and put a bag over my head. then secure it with a velco strip i have, then zip tie my hands behind my back. I think i can actually manage to zip tie my hands behind my back, i wonder if I'm right. i knew it would be so painful to die by lack of air, but i kept telling myself how worth the pain it would be. I had some peace of mind once i decided i would do it. peace of mind is really not even close to what i had, but i was able to just obsess over what it would be like to be gone, instead of obsessing over ways to kill myself that would fail and be painful. i don't know if i should cancel my trip to jamaica, but I'm very sure it would cause me more initial stress if i did. I'm trying to adjust to being this suicidal, and continue the things i need to do like move and do homework I hope if i do kill myself, the message can be spread that depression took my life and i always fought with all that i could fight with.

i don't know if i should do this in a voice note, because I've never written when I'm in this state, and in this state i don't believe my hands can keep up with what i need to try to say
 I want to die, and its been about 3.5 months since i last 'reached out during suicidalness' thats been lasting for more than a week or so. Im here again and its been a few months now of learning that ritalin does not help my mind slow down, my depression let up or my improve self discipline in working out, meditation and doing all the other stuff I'm supposed to do and take very seriously. It makes me do shit.
i do shit instead of being in 'ignore everything and watch bombs go off' mode, which truly is a gift. cause that mode is a nightmare this is a nightmare too tho.
 i guess its like comparing my nightmares of horrible random ish, to my nightmares about my father. obvious lesser evil is random shit.
nightmares with him intensely make me wana die , all day, the next day.
 i wish i kept a log of my suicidal pattern. 1 - 3 months, 2-4 weeks....i couldn't tell u really. and all the in-between. the anxiety filled days verses the depression filled days.
 different patterns I'm sure. id make a flow graph, i really would.
 and then I'd try to turn it into a piece of art for my wall, cause isn't calculation a nice thing.

 This week is going to need a lot of weed to turn this suicidal place into fun analysis in a super high detached way place.
 If i flop out of school, or have a basketcase in Jamaica and need to be sent home early, i hope i can forgive myself I hope so much neither of those things happen, so i don't have to bare the hatred they would bring I hope i don't regret this show horribly, because if i stay in this state, i will.

 And now I'm arguing with dwayne and i don't wana be with him, i sincerely think I'm using him for the feeling of being loved. i don't believe it will last, or that i won't regret cutting it off now, in future when it burns