Inspiration

Everything's changin around me and I wanna change too
It's one thing I know, it ain't cool bein no fool
I feel different today, I don't know what else to say
But Ima get my shit together, it's now or never


Uh, I'm sick, sick of waitin in vain, tired of playin the game
Thinkin of makin a change, finally breakin the chains
Every phase, every happenin, craze
When it's said and done, my head is right back in the haze
I'm ready for the next chapter and page to start actin my age
And part ways with Black Thought from back in the days
I'm stargazin from the back of the stage
Questionin if who y'all praise, is worthy of praise
What's the phrase "bygones is bygones?"
Niggaz who used to be the underdog is icons
People say the light shines once in a lifetime
Is this meant like kind or crisis a little bit like mine?
I'm thinkin not now but right now
I need some kind of sign that the future is bright now
I fuck around, "Do The Right Thing" like Spike now
The quick and the dead, which one is my lookalike now, I'm movin ahead


Yo, opportunities lost because I blew 'em
On the sunniest days of my life, I cried through 'em
Moms is out the picture and Pops I barely knew him
And I would pray to God but I'm tired of lyin to Him
Tired of tryin to run from the things inside of us
Got a lot of fam and a lot of admirers
Who tell me that I should aspire to
change but when I think of changin, it's like why even try this shit?
My mind hazy and my thoughts they get distorted
I know my good and bad deeds both get recorded
You do right so your soul can last
But my role was cast before I even auditioned for it
So I don't really see an end to my vice
It's just false reformation, no end to my strife
Feel the evil overpowerin
You can go 'head, throw the towel in, 'cause nigga that's the end of the fight
When you can only see the tunnel at the end of the lights
Like South party over, it's the end of your life and I'm out


When I look into the mirror and see my own image
It feel like there's something else far off in the distance
Something I wanna see but something that's resistant
And everyday the heart it in is growin more persistent
I never noticed it before but now I can't miss it
And the constant pounding's drivin me ballistic
I ran from it few years but it's still next to me
And it's growin stronger, takin, leavin less of me
I can't fight it now, I know it's just destiny
And I just wonder what's gonna happen when it catches me
Will it leave me face down, in a chest of pain
Or will it just start bringin out the best of me?
But is the best of me really just the worst of me
And if so, yesterday could be my anniversary
In sinners' court, it's important to have church with me
I'm tryin to get rid of these ghosts that's cursin me
I feel a change is an absolute certainty
'Cause what's goin on is a state of emergency (state of emergency)


Everything's changin around me and I wanna change too
It's one thing I know, it ain't cool bein no fool
I feel different today, I don't know what else to say
But I'm a get my shit together, it's now or never
It's now or never

wacktasticism revisited.

K, I really getting into understanding my depression in MUCH more serious and detailed way then ever before.

Mainly due to finding this dude, http://www.undoingdepression.com/
through finding his AMAZING book ;
 Undoing depression What therapy Doesn't Teach You, and Medication Cant Give You  
http://www.amazon.ca/Undoing-Depression-Richard-Oconnor/dp/0425166791

A good book review on the book:
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?id=11&type=book&cn=5

Im mostly encouraged, and am already experiencing some relief that is coming from understanding this ish better, but I'm also slightly mortified at just how sick i am.. like Im totally floored by just how much and how long I have suffered depression.

 I understand now that I have been suffering depression for like 20 years plus (not continuously for the whole 20 years, but certainly a majority of that time) and that my cycles into depression were taking deeper and deeper root, each time they happened

The most profound thing I'm learning is just how much my self hate, is a by product of my depression (so possibly), not so much a true hate I have developed due to being a despicable person.
 I seem to be able to forgive other people their wrongs, but never myself...So I've had the feeling their was something more to this hate I have for myself, beyond the things Im holding against myself.

I called the Camh in the city I'm living in ( Center for Addiction and Mental Health ) and found out they do have services, group therapis etc for depressoin, but that the waiting list is 9months.
I was kinda devastated...which is kinda stupid cause I already know how these things go.
(So by going thru Camh i would be able to have these services for little or no cost (covered by OHIP) cause I can't afford private sessions)

Other most profound thing I'm learning is my cycles, like what experiences trigger me to;
get hopeless,
leading me feel like doing and being nothing,
leading me to want to die,
 leading me to hating myself,
leading me to think i really should die if i hate myself and life this much.

That  9 month waiting list news definitely started a cycle, and since I was actually aware that it started a cycle I did my best to 'observe and not judge' the cycle. that mindful stuff...like thinking ' ok, I'm a depressant, I'm allowed to feel blue from this bad news, and Im aware that its a cycle that can/will end'
It helped. The awareness is definitely a step up from being a total victim to the cycle.

Today I woke up  heavy and unable, moped around and went back to bed at noon and slept for another 5 hours. For the most part I was able to not judge myself / talk shit to myself about how unproductive i was being. Miraculously, I'm feeling better right now cause  I did get somewhat productive and do a few small things (took a bike ride, wash some dishes, made 2 phone calls - phone calls are a big feat for me..) The fact that I didn't get down on myself for wasting most of my day, thereby crippling myself into wasting the rest of my night, is a small miracle.
3 months ago if the morning sucked, the night sucked too for sure.

I'm thankful I have the abilities to grasp these concepts the book is teaching m right now, cause i know that not that long ago, none of this would have sunk in for me. Not that long ago I would not have had the energy or clarity to read this book.

Part of me is sad its taken so long for me to find this Author - Richard O'Connor and this Book.
I haven't had one tenth of the confirmation/helpful information from this book from any doctor or therapist (and dammit...why the hell do NO doctors point you in the right direction) but I'm just glad Im here, now.

Its been 3 months since I left my job without notice, left my apartment and my grandma who I beyond love and need, and moved 5 hours away to pursue some kind of help.
This week I am  totally sure I made the right choice.