i cannot become religious

Apparently spirits are attacking me.
I know spirits are attacking me.
Im not schizophrenic.
First I was talking to my 'angel' - 'yusee' using a necklace. Then music was being turned on in my house repeatedly, then messages were coming thru the computer game, and lots more necklace talking in before and after.
Then the apparent attacks. Like my usual meltdowns but much faster and scarier and the suicidalness was very violent...more urgent and immediate. It feels like being on fire.
Then my therapist tells me they might be attacks,then i consult the necklace angel and it says yes, yes yes. Then prayer, lots of prayer with lots of people. Then dreams and visions thru said people.
Abortions becoming a theme of said murderous evil spirits. I got the most mental relief i have had in years after my therapist prayed to these unborn babies and we apologized/released them.
I asked god how much longer will i need to suffer like this and i think i got answer...aka i had a thought...APPARENTLY thats how it/he/she communicates so its all very hard to tell.
3 weeks.
1 week down, i believe, since it has been one week since the therapist/angel confirmation of this being attacks.

This is happening.

This is becoming a part of my story and journey now, spirituality and god (totally not) forbid(ding), christianity.

I don't know anything for sure. I never have, but now I'm a ABSOLUTELY FUCKING TERRIFIED that i will have to become religious. Like god is a part of one of these exclusive clubs that have caused so many many different types and kinds of nightmares through out history, and I'm about to sign up for membership.

Im just going to pray for the truth and for god to reveal themself and wait and try only to remember that all i have to do is be honest with myself.


I only know i have to pray and pray and pray some more.

March 2016

where to start.
I just found this blog by reading old emails, and finding one where i sent a link to this blog, to a friend.

I had no idea i made this blog, and have no memories of the entries because 1.5 years ago i had my brain washed via ECT therapy.

I lost a lot of my memory from years 2008-2014, and have been struggling very much with  pain and anxiety around losing my memory.

Like most of everything i have written, i experience a really strong feeling of self hate when i re read things i have written, videos i have made, or songs i have sung.

I want to delete this and pretend i never discovered it, almost as much as i want to integrate my expressions with my conscious self and accept who i am.

Ive probably started a hundred diaries, online blogs or journals in the last 20 years, and i can see this one is by far the most I've ever kept up with. they usually last 2-5 entries.
i know that having so much self hate is what makes it so hard to keep a log of my expressions, because then they are there for me to criticize and hate on, and at the same time i have so much self hate in part because i don't allow myself to self express so it gets pent up.

its a mad cycle

My life is as abandoned and forsaken by me as its ever been.
ECT therapy has left me with lots of anger and confusion.
I don't have it in me to try anymore.
Part of me is waiting for me to have it in me to try, and all of me is sure that will never happen

Im angry in a way I've never been before.

Ive given myself a 6 month promise and plan, and if it doesn't improve my outlook and depression I've promised myself i will commit myself to a hospital.

The plan is weekly therapy, exercise and new medication that actually helps, if i could actually take it. I struggle with taking it because it causes stomach pain.

Im about one month into the 'plan' and failing miserably.

I talk to angels now, who talk back, and its brought up all my childhood torture around what is the implications around human life and the afterlife, which is just as scary and overwhelming as it was when i was a kid.

Im not schizophrenic, i guess I'm officially spiritual, and its very confusing.

I dont sing, listen to music, or make music.
I cry very often

Im the only one who can change anything that will make a difference, but my anger is taking some kind of a weird stand against my suffering, both protecting and disabling me.

ECT

In heading into my third week of ECT (http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/electroconvulsive-therapy/basics/definition/prc-20014161)

Im sore, exhausted and very depressed. I'm suicidal in a new persistent way.

if this ECT doesn't work, i can't imagine how long ill last.

continum

i was almost halfway to the bridge where i planned to end it, but i couldn't go thru with it.
mostly because i had just broke up with dwayne, and i didnt want him to have to live with thinking it was his fault.
its really not his fault, my need to end it all.

i wonder if I'm going to leave tomoro, or next week.
i wonder when ill have the strength to put down my foot and think...dont hug me anymore. and mean it

or THIS quote from tobeaslut.com :

"There are feelings you wonder if you will ever feel again. “I love your face. Like, so much so. Everything about it is something I find to be so appealing and handsome – a face I would want to spend forever with if I believed in forevers.”

will i ever actually feel that way again?

cause I've loved dudes and not had that feeling for a long time,cause i didn't know it would still exist for me.

im so sick

so sick of what he did and who he really is in his worst self.

he's even ignoring me now i think

i can't stomach it

suicuidal nightmare imaginings is all i have

Ketamine day 5

or i should say, 5th dose.

Im not better. Im still suicidal and overwhelmed everyday.
I also get bits of determinedness to complete only my daily tasks.
I put off a lot
I vacillate between being very skeptically determined, and being very panicked and suicidal.

people asking how i am, is officially the worst part(s) of my day.
Even those that know whats going on.

My wishful answers are:
Im unbearably horrible
I just want to die
Im panicking about being alive

I mostly answer with 'I'm not ok', and hold my breath hoping who ever it is doesn't push for more explanation.

I just dosed myself on 225mg of Ketamine, i should be heading off to tranquillized land soon.

I may or may not be asked to shoot a music video in a few weeks, and the idea is so preposterous, it makes me laugh.
then cry

Always crying, lots and lots and lots of crying.
like tearing up, not all out balling.

I dont barely let myself ball, it feels horrible.

Im preoccupying myself with trying to find an affordable keyboard (musical) for which to replace the one of mine that just broke, telling myself that i need to/should try to play / connect to music.

I have a sick feeling i will get one and it will sit and collect dust just like this one has been for months now.

Life is unbearable for me, and I've never felt more trapped.

ketamine day 3

I think it might be helping.
My Psychistrist Dr McCormick read me the protocol that the hospital psychiatrist Dr. Downar had sent him on ketamine and it said 'if you think it maybe helping, then its not' meaning, its supposed to be very very obvious that its helping.

but i still say maybe, cause I'm only one week in, and not up to the highest dose yet.

I do feel a bit better, but i feel very lost.
I feel like I've lost my ability to do things.
especially music.

It seems to be under the blanket of fear that has seemed to cover everything now.

Today I don't have a busy enough day, and that is torture.
But I'm also aware its not as torturous as it was a week ago.

I got some financial help from some one in my family, so I'm also wondering if thats partly why i think the ketamine might be working. Since money is worry about every 15 mins.

I think about how i used to wish for free time, so that i could write or record.
and now I'm here, free, and just scared.

My grandparents funeral is this weekend, and i have a scary feeling ill be thinking about my own attempted suicide the whole time.
I wanted to be buried with my gramma, and i keep thinking about that.
When i was in the hospital i felt weirdly close to my grams, not like she was there, but  like close to going where she was.

It feels like it took me many months to come to terms with the fact that i was really going to end it all, and now that I'm here and I'm starting to not feel  suicidal every 10 mins, I can't figure out what to do. feels like starting life brand new.

Sort of reflected in how i can't figure out how to dress or do my makeup in a way that i like.
which scares me cause....has my creativity been striped from me?

Ive become somewhat consumed with how hard i perceive growing old is going to be.
I just never planned to be 30 and I can't imagine being here for 30 more years and then some.
When i think of this, i become suicidal.

Dr Downer said he got me accepted in the women's college hospital Trauma program, which is a bunch of diff talk therapies.
Im anxious about it, I wonder if talking about my father (aka my trauma qualifier) will help me at all.
I feel like I've talked about him quite a bit in therapy in the past, and obviously...i still got here.
Meaning, i don't know how talking about him or the past helps me at this point.
But I am hoping for the the DBT therapy, which is supposed to be designed for people who can't handle how strong their feelings are.

I def can't handle mine.

I am consumed with 'what is life going to look like'?
since i have to be here.

Im still wishing daily for a disease that could take me out..so i guess this ketamine isn't working yet.

ketamine day 2

it goes like this:

i take it every three days. I up my dose every time by 1/4 the amount. I keep upping my dose until a) we know its working b) I hallucinate.

Usually its shot up in you, in the hospital, but now they are letting people do pills, even though some psychiatrist don't believe pills are as effective as intravenous. Its only being investigated, and some of us are lucky enough to be getting it as a aggressive (desperate) measure.

Its effects (high) lasts only 2, or 3 hours and then its out of my system. Its the next day(s) i could start feeling better depression wise

So when i took it the first day, i felt it was a tranquillizer. It is actually used as a analgesic. Both pharmacists asked why i was being put on it. Saying Depression (and then eye contact) is wack.

I laid in bed with lights off and no sound, like the doctor told me too, and i just felt high and tranquillized. then back to normal about 2.5 hours later.



So now its 2 days after i took it and i def don't feel better. scared and neurotic.

sleepy.

upset with my days and self and everyone

so heavy

What i really want people to know

if i was ever to leave, and leave all  the questions with you all, it would be - depression took me.
I would really really want people to try to understand that depression, a disease that kills, killed me.

I didn't get a chance to be someone who could answer your questions.

I didn't get to make music
i didn't get to have friends and loves
i didn't get to figure out a career
i didn't get to be a person who is happy to be living life
i didn't get to anything

and if its keeping me from it all, then the end feels so.. genuine.

there it is, the subscribing to and from death.
like committing to and from it.

series of emotional commitments leading down the steps

 there might be something to an adhd diagnosis actually happening.

the worst part is, right now i don't hardly hear music inside, and THAT shit is depressing.

Ketamine tomorrow

A few days ago they stopped the TMS, as they determined it wasn't helping. The dr also explained to me that my MRI scan showed the type of brain they are least successful with, with TMS


Tomorrow I start what seems to be the most promising and risky drug I've been given - ketamine
http://www.bbc.com/news/health-26647738


Yesterday I found out it is very expensive, around 200$ a month, and isn't covered as it is a compound...
So I was terribly upset and unsure how it's going to work out, if it does In fact work.
Keeping in mind I've been on about a dozen drugs that haven't helped, I waiver between slightly hoping tomorrow will be different, and knowing it won't be.

I don't know how I'll be able to affor the drug, and living expenses, cause the truth is I can't.
I don't know how I'll be able to work enough to live, if I don't get better soon.

I cry approx every hour, and want only to die.
I do think I've given up on finding a way to do it, since seeing my step dad break down about about it.

I can't imagine how I'm soppused to keep functioning the way I have been, (on my own, acting as normal as I can) if the ketamine doesn't work

I'm still here, and I'm so angry that I have to be

now

Im waiting for ketamine or ECT, ultimately thats where i am.
If i don't set some goals, all i have is being really suicidal, and thats unbearable.
I
 have these steps that lead me down to the worst suicidal place, and each step gets darker and more unbearable. The last step is suicide simply because its the only way to end the anguish, not because it means ending my existence to all connected to me

In a dark and scary situation with 1 job i have.
otherwise other work is minimal but ok.

on monday i have my rtms assessment, to look at whether or not to continue. (its not helping so they might pull plug.)
Then i ask/beg
then i enter back and forth land maybe, i hope not for too long.
And i 'hang in' or not, whatever that means

im lost and upset and terrified.

Im really hoping for the ect

my body

feels weak in a way.
ive lost about 8 pounds, pretty much of whatever muscle i had, and some shape.
I'm trying to work out but i feel so dark during it
music isn't reachable yet, but I'm hoping to force my way into that soon
i feel ugly too
super hard to look in mirrors
im not hungry ever, but i force myself or get high and get it in


some of this is familiar, but at the same time feels so too next level of fucked up
Theres a dark scary eery ness that makes me wana believe in devils
but its a devil inside me.
all i know is it takes me to having to do something

trying to ride it out, and fight for more treatments

so back to riding
my thing is to schedule pockets of time, and try to stay with them
today hospital, school, josh,grocery store, home.

he feels up in the air to me. like how are things really playing out right now, i can't tell.
I feel like if it doesn't work right now, its gona be done
and then i feel like I'm in no position to think about done
and then i think its doomed like everything else

so glad to be tired right now
long day tomorrow, hopefully no rain.

normal

So i feel like ativan has taken me out of the deep end of panic and anguish and now I'm guessing its 'back to normal'

'back to normal' :
-I function well enough, so doctors are satisfied with my 'prognosis' based on said functioning seeming to be ok ei: I'm not cutting, threatening suicide,anorexic, using drugs, doing risky things, being evicted etc etc
-I keep my dark and horrifying thoughts to myself, cause believe me, sharing them only hurts the listener
-I focus only on survival. meaning get an income, keep the income, groom myself.
- I try to maintain friendships and relationships by being a good friend. a lot of the time being a good friend means being an absent friend because i must recluse to survive. and thats not a theory or a belief. I become overwhelmed by interaction on my poor days. my poor days are half the time. becoming overwhelmed can launch me into being suicidal , quickly.

'Normal' led me to this suicide attempt because the suffering is so low level according to doctors radars, and generally undetectable to others since its in my mind.

What I'm trying to say is, i feel this resistance right now as i return to acting semi normal. like 'don't do it, at least everyone can tell theres something wrong with you while you are slow to speak, and can't barely walk!'

but fighting is what I'm doing because actually, I'm bored out of my fucking mind.


So i applied for nannying jobs and got 2 interviews.
Im in rTMS in the hospital EVERYDAY for the next 4 weeks.  These jobs start this week.
I interview tomorrow.
Will i be able to arrange the rtms schedule around my working schedule?
Will i need to explain to employers my scheduling issue?

will both jobs fall through, and ill be right back where i started, facing eviction?

Im working out a little bit too

Living with my parents has added new anxieties, around them, their interactions and issues they face.

I visited my apartment and i can say, I've never hated an apartment so much, with so much feeling and passion and revulsion before.
With depression, every home eventually feels like a prison, but this apt feels like one in a way I've never felt.

ativan

Today i started ativan (or lorazepam) and i can feel it helping with the anxiety, and I am thankful to no longer be stuck in a complete state of panic.
 The doctors at the hospital didn't want me to start any new meds while I'm undergoing this rTMS (magnet shock) treatment, but agreed to let me have a small dose, always after my treatments, to avoid it interacting / voiding out, what the rTMS is trying to do.
theres a %50 chance rTMS will work, and i find that number the opposite of comforting.
I spend hours wondering what my life will look like if it doesn't work. get kicked out of apt, move in with parents, spin further in depression since i can't do anything meaningful while I'm still sick.
I asked my psychiatrist about ECT, but said it was too early to think about.
I have 2-4 weeks left of TMS, and its too early for me to think of ways to actually get better, if rtms doesn't work?
 The Psychiatrist at the hospital told me we would try ketamine if rtms doesn't work, but my psychiatrist seems to think its too risky. He had a patient hallucinate and have a psychotic breakdown on ketamine, so seems he is scared of it.
Ive been with him for about 8 years, on and off a dozen meds, and haven't gotten better. So, i think ill take the ketamine from the new doctor, when/if its time.
All this medical help has ever been is bleak.
 My psychiatrist said it was interesting that the hospital MRI showed my frontal lobe as very over active, and that he would try certain meds that are said to calm down over activeness, in future.
 If the MRI info was helpful, why didn't he send me for an MRI 8 years ago?

doctor world once again becoming the rabbits hole.

the thought of music is a weird whisper on repeat

blogging while in the deep end

Blogging while in the deep end seems obvious. 2.5 weeks ago i overdosed trying to end it, and wound up in the ICU and, clearly lived. My life feels life has fallen apart, and that the decision to try to overdose feels like it cemented it to being so horrible. Trying to live while battling my illness, while trying keep it a secret, is too difficult. No one knows how horrified i am, all the time or even if i had fibermyljia , or some other illness spawn from depression, it would be nameable. maybe anyways, i should be blogging, since being so bored right now is this whole other battle - with my mind as it is, its like fuel to the fire. I sit inside my head all day, manically calculating how horrifying multiple aspects of life are. My life, other peoples lives i know, and millions i don’t know. then thinking about who i have to tell, and who i shouldn’t tell, about trying to off myself - so stressful i can’t handle it money is on the roaster too. how i might get kicked out of where i live, and how that would make things worse. i also don't know if i want my thoughts in writing for future

alone everywhere its the same. alienation when asked 'how are u', or even more so ' are u doing better now'. it was the same when everyone and their mom talks about how 'the alchemist' changed their lives. or the secret. When they realized it was a strength from within. or a desire. or a power. what about when darkness is all there is from within. if i had the balls, or any real courage, id really really leave.

suicide

Ive been extremely suicidal for weeks now. By extremely i mean i can't stop thinking about it, imagining it, and longing for it all day.lots of intrusive thoughts that are violent and scary. I am tortured by the ways that i am not equipped to kill myself, i don't have a gun or poison etc. Then i settle on jumping off a bridge. yesterday i decided when my boyfriend left i would take a lot of pills to sedate me (my sleeping pills and antidepressants) and put a bag over my head. then secure it with a velco strip i have, then zip tie my hands behind my back. I think i can actually manage to zip tie my hands behind my back, i wonder if I'm right. i knew it would be so painful to die by lack of air, but i kept telling myself how worth the pain it would be. I had some peace of mind once i decided i would do it. peace of mind is really not even close to what i had, but i was able to just obsess over what it would be like to be gone, instead of obsessing over ways to kill myself that would fail and be painful. i don't know if i should cancel my trip to jamaica, but I'm very sure it would cause me more initial stress if i did. I'm trying to adjust to being this suicidal, and continue the things i need to do like move and do homework I hope if i do kill myself, the message can be spread that depression took my life and i always fought with all that i could fight with.

i don't know if i should do this in a voice note, because I've never written when I'm in this state, and in this state i don't believe my hands can keep up with what i need to try to say
 I want to die, and its been about 3.5 months since i last 'reached out during suicidalness' thats been lasting for more than a week or so. Im here again and its been a few months now of learning that ritalin does not help my mind slow down, my depression let up or my improve self discipline in working out, meditation and doing all the other stuff I'm supposed to do and take very seriously. It makes me do shit.
i do shit instead of being in 'ignore everything and watch bombs go off' mode, which truly is a gift. cause that mode is a nightmare this is a nightmare too tho.
 i guess its like comparing my nightmares of horrible random ish, to my nightmares about my father. obvious lesser evil is random shit.
nightmares with him intensely make me wana die , all day, the next day.
 i wish i kept a log of my suicidal pattern. 1 - 3 months, 2-4 weeks....i couldn't tell u really. and all the in-between. the anxiety filled days verses the depression filled days.
 different patterns I'm sure. id make a flow graph, i really would.
 and then I'd try to turn it into a piece of art for my wall, cause isn't calculation a nice thing.

 This week is going to need a lot of weed to turn this suicidal place into fun analysis in a super high detached way place.
 If i flop out of school, or have a basketcase in Jamaica and need to be sent home early, i hope i can forgive myself I hope so much neither of those things happen, so i don't have to bare the hatred they would bring I hope i don't regret this show horribly, because if i stay in this state, i will.

 And now I'm arguing with dwayne and i don't wana be with him, i sincerely think I'm using him for the feeling of being loved. i don't believe it will last, or that i won't regret cutting it off now, in future when it burns

monster

There is a monster version of me, inside of me.
 She is sadistic and has a very dark sense of humor and the need to shock herself
 She is a lot like him
She even looks more like him. Dark curls.
She's rearing her head, because she knows we're defeating her.
I wonder, if good goes away, she'll come back with a vengeance?
 I'll check her into the hospital if that happens.
She'd be lonely, so so lonely once me and mine left her.

I'm not scared she's real or will become real ,Im scared she will always be inside and I will never know life without her
 I'm scared I can never love her
I'm concerned people still see her?
 Some have seen her so many times

Virgin Mobile - Check it. Love it. Share it.

Virgin Mobile - Check it. Love it. Share it.

Virgin Mobile - Check it. Love it. Share it.

Virgin Mobile - Check it. Love it. Share it.

Failure at trial

Im in a medical study that i just got kicked out of, because i dropped one of the antidepressant pill i snuck in.
Amature fucking idiot. Not even an amature actually, just sloppy.
I used to be so driven to avoid sloppy.
Now with all this accepting of my suffering, i have lost my grip on alot of effcientcy.
I should have not brought any and suffered the withdrawls
I only broguth one days supply for a 4 day and 4 night stay.
Not worth the risk at all
Im out 1800$, that i desperately needright now.
I of course feel humilated and angry at self
Although, the staff here has not been unkind or judgmental, surprisingly, and im greatful for that.
Im working hard at working thru not going i to the depths of self hate, because i have at least learnt some skills in this area from my therapy.
For the record, altho this obv isnt a fucking record, i make sure there is no risk factor of interactions with the study drug here at the clinic, and my own meds.
I quite possibly would fuck up there results, but a) i dont care, and i joke that i am bringing more accuracy to their tests.
S far i have talked myself out of the horrific self hate and feel mostly that i ambound to keep making mistakes, as long as i a, desperate for money.
Which leads me to all my thinking of how horribly unhealthy my relationship with money is.
I view it as one of my biggest burdens, and something that i simply will never get a handle on.
The amount of money ive wasted in the last three years is a strong testiment to my complete lack of dicipline or self care when it comes to money.
I do realize tho how horribly i was taught bad habits growing with money just with stuff with dad, momey stress with mom and no encouragement for future. yet in the midst of that, being taught some great ones.
Which enabled me to always pay rent alone since 17, nd never default payments on credit/loans
I am only writing this shit out because i think my therapist would say i should note the positives in my money handling as well.
I feel so stupid making note of the strengths that werent strong enough to keep me out of this desperate time that could be avoided, quite easily.
Im looking for nannying jobs now and have a few prospects.
At the sacrifice of finsihing my ep anytime soon tho.
We'll see.
I keep thinking about everyones confidence in my music, oppused to my disatisfaction/ hatred for it.
Im going to let it go, truly, once i enter school
Not singing because i plan to pursue the jazz cover group, but the pursuing my own solo career part.
Ill never stop writing, i just hope i can let go of how much i suck, and get back to finding my release, once the pressure is off.
If it ever feels off.

I want only to be around people i can be transparent with
Theres a small handful, thank god.(not)
To jai and audras i go, asap, once im out

I wish i posted more often

Because really, I write down shit in other places, that should be here. More than that I think things that I should put here so I can remember them Regardless. here I am today. And try not to hold that shit against myself, I must.
I haven't talked to my psychotherapist in almost a year, which is really not cool,but he is 205$ an hour and that is just absurd in my financial world for now.
I'm actually going to see if I can find a grant I could apply for that I could use for therapy. If such a thing exists So I been creating this inventory of shit I'd like to talk to dr stevens about, so that when I see him I don't draw a blank or forget something important.

Dr. Stevens / mcCormick - my psychologist and my psychiatrist

- Seeing so many mom patterns, and wondering if I hold things against her, only cause I hold them against me. Or do I because I feel like I'm this way because she made me. And do I resent being created because of this. I think I do. I still resent being created by 2 people with such deficits. Isn't everyone soppused to have one parent or surrogate parent, that nurtures them emotionally. Feels like everyone else has one

. - Being close to people is a or the main stress cause, underneath it all It won't work It will hurt too much
Are they one and the same, can I separate them and be ok /less hurt with accepting the never working/lasting part?

- my music - opening up my music to sharing with the world is so full of bullshit stress. involving people does that to me. Because people involve communication and trust,and communication and trust will always leave me disappointed and frustrated
, Case in point, erick kinda breaking my heart in NYC last year. I think it brought up my abandonment issues because I lost it in a way I never had, with any producer letting me down. I KNOW it's not his fault, he deals with the same overwhelming stress that i do....but I would step the fuck up to the plate a bit more if roles were reversed.
Like mufucker I MOVED TO NY to do this with u!
Seriously. And he knew that.
My abandoment issues/responce came up. Thats never happened with any other producer that flops
AND singing brings out my self hate. Like literally opens up the gates of hell to that which is my grimiest most overwhelming, self hate.
So I avoid it obviously for too long, which makes me suck even worse than I did wheni was singing more regularly. Seems like I only sing on a regular basis if I'm doing backups for someone, or when I was in jazz duo.
I have to be doing it for someone else, outside of myself, for me to maintain dicipline.
That defies so much of what I believe in!
EXCEPT for when music was my release and not my endevour.
And its lost. and i wana go the fuck back in time to when it was all i had.
no matter what, every time I open my mouth now I judge and feel only the endeavor part.
I lost my voice being my diary and my grieving. I hold that against myself. A thought that challenges
this: I was once told 'inspiration is for amateurs' by an artist, So I probably need to paint that quote
5x's and keep it all over my life.

- Causes me to question the size of risk I am taking in every damn thing I do. i over calculate how to stay 'on top' or how to stay in a position I will be ok with, no matter what happens. How to stay LOW RISK. So.fucking.scared.of.risk.
Then I sometimes find after the fact, I was infact bugging out and just need to trust that risks are ok But it's only some of the time, so now how the hell am I supposed to know which is which before hand
But then people tell me they admire the risks I'm taking...maybe I'm not making them fast enough for my own approval?

- A main daily struggle is pushing past everything that says nothing will work out. Now that I know that voice is inaccurate, or at least not healthy, I try to reason with it/myself, or I ignore it. Some days I'm successful. Some days I am completely unsuccessful.
This ties into the above thing, but it causes
me to question
Am I being gentle? Am I being lazy?
I allow myself to not do too much in one day. I know I'm capable of more. My job was demanding. But everything costs me this price - the cost of having confidence in myself. and its more then I am used to having to pay when I was depressed,what i was used to consistently having/needing to have.

- Moms email letter Thinking about my family keeps overwhelming me Will we be closer?
Willl I be able to help them?is it even a good idea to try? Should I work on accepting and not trying to change anything? Because thing is I feel like I'm the only one who can help And outside of my dad, they are not inherintly evil.

- I'm struggling alot with doing things I want to do, and being accountable to self to actually do them Is this only a habit created from depression, OR have I developed this habit, to serve as an easy way out of ever trying?
That would really blow

- Why I believe close intimate relationships won't work: I cant handle another persons everything, in my brain.
I don't want to fit anymore people into my brain, outside of my fam. It's too fucking much as it is.
And I keep away from intimacy, cause it always consumes me with the constant back and forth, 'this is possible.
This is not possible '
'this is foreal, this is not foreal' '
he really does love me instead of being fooled into thinking I'm that someone I'm really not Can I trust this Is this thing even designed for success tho?!
Cause it damn sure seems like its not if u take a look around at all of the constant heartbreaks Would non manogamy be a good fit for me?
As I get more and more comfortable with myself, will that be the thing that enables this romantic type of love?
Will i spend the next, 2,4 6 10 years just going thru fighting each belief I have Like I don't believe in long term romantic companionship.
Like past 10 , 15,20 years or some shit, but am I gona have to challenge that before I can be happy?

- Constant analysis over what thought pattern or belief or habit was depression induced, and what is simply me. Because now I'm always wanting to challenge all the belief/habit/patterns that are rooted in depression, or that exist to help keep me depressed. Part of my survival depends on it right..like if I don't debunk it and it needs to be debunked, it could take me under again. But Can I tell myself it's not helpful to do this all the damn time,and try to stop? Would that even work or would it just bring on the guilt/ disappointment that also serves to keep me hating myself?

- Now that I'm better in some capacity, I have to face all these beliefs I have about the world and myself, and now constantly challenge them. I'm over anxious about when I'm gona figure it out, and have 'who I am and what I believe' , come naturally to me Ad then I get anxious with each scenerio, as it comes up I struggle with a lack of motivation bigtime, and a paralysis due to being overwhelmed with how fucking lazy I am

-When will he stop haunting me.
Why does my brain think such disgusting thoughts Was it him that planted that habit in me
. A fear that I am disgusting because he made me feel I was, A fear that I manifest?
I've thought about him during sex way too often It's so fucking sick, it seems its the only thing left that makes me wana die.
I keep hoping he dies, thinking that might be some closure.
I hate that he is alive.
I hate that he is still free to pursue his own happiness
I hate that I know he is ruining someone(s) life/lives everyday, as I wander around life with this bullshit he left inside me

I hate that I miss certain things about him I hate that I still feel some kind of love towards him, when I am recalling what I miss.
I hate that I want to fucking talk about him! I want to have some kind of electric shock therapy that erases him from my fucking infected brain

I should probably re record do I really have to...richkidd has the files for me still after all this time

And the one thing that is yelling at me in my head right now is this:
'U thinking so fucking much is what is destroying u and sustaining ur bullshit'
This is why josh drinks hardcore. This is why Beth was strung out on smack
This is why people self Medicate. to Silence the thoughts
This is why people lash out at life and start wars with it.

And all I came up with was, this is why I wana die.
But was too pussy to do it.

Remember everyone u would damage tho.
for life u would damage them. I resent that my suicide would hurt them.
just like they want life and money and love and careers, I wish they could somehow understand its what I want most.
Wanted.
Wanted
wanted ..

I just watched 'for colored girls'

I watched this movie put the people in a sobbering trance. Bubbles of joy get burst for a couple of hours and people think ' damn...fuck that's alot of pain' maybe they feel moved to judge that crazy girl less.. Or they feel badly for all time times they wrote someone off for being too ghetto, or too stuck in their own pain to see how nnly they have the power to stop making their pain grow.. Or watever. It's this sense of ' that is way to much hardcore shit happening to way too woman'

I resent this.

I just resent that this 'place ' people go to, thru art, in this case a play/movie (generally) where they find themselves deeply impacted by other peoples pain , is the same place I've been trapped in my whole life..
I resent this whole ' shock you into understanding that their is always a story behind person where, and we should feel empathy' is a place people have to get shocked into to see, in the first place.
How much more obvious can all the pain fucking get?! Once it's revealed for first time, why do people forget to see it after.
Why am I only the only person I know, who is too heartbroken by life, to take it or myself seriously. Shouldn't everyone be frozen by it all Or at least a much larger majority

I get compelled to write sometimes now. Write my thoughts and feelings,
This is very new.
I know this is a good thing, but I still procrastinate, even while the urge is in me.
I think there's something to my denying or disregarding any urge I have to do anything  healthy/helpful to my mental well being.
As with so much of this, I'm working on it.
Which means, I think about it, hoping to change it, and congratulate myself a lot on the rare times that I jump on it, and follow the urge.

I'm painfully annoyed at my progress, in becoming someone who isn't immobilized, in action, in my own life.
Time alone with my thoughts still leads to one place only.
So I spend much more time trying to not be alone with my thoughts
Until I am, and then I'm trapped.
And by spending time trying not to be alone with my thoughts, I mean, I give an effort to see people. Still certainly a hermit 70% of the time.
Which vastly beats the 93% of the time, that I used to hide from people

Food sex and sleep still serve as the escapes
I'm thankful I learnt from therapist that soothing myself thru these means is fine.
Now I give myself a pass instead of hating my self for it.
Mostly

After a lot of analyzing by way of deduction, especially while pifficated, I've come to realize that a  lot of my current anxiety is based around my life involving people, their thoughts and their input ( spoken but also by action), now that I'm involving people.

People used to be my very controlled projects/fleeting enjoyment/stresses.

I've realized that my control of people in my life, but never ever close to or privy to my reality, is partially learnt from my parents, who both do this, intensely and always.
There's been exceptions, slow ones, and lots of ones who I abandon with the relative quickness.

Music.
With this opportunity in ny, and my lack of taking it up seriously, I've come to get to know my strange and frustrating immobilization habits, with my singing,
Hating my voice is still the main thing
Not singing very much, or in the way that I should, is still the main stronghold in the equation

I'm trying very hard to fight hating myself about it, and to regard it all with 'compassionate curiosity'
I'm certainly curious as all hell.
Speaking to almost anyone about my music, when asked, is a bad reminder

I applied for school
Free school while rent is being paid by government seems like a no brainer.
Also quite risky, but nothing isn't risky at this point.
Realistically ill wind up writing songs in class and dying to record all the time.
Cause I can't resist doing whatever the fuck I'm not supposed to.
I'm down tho, whatever it takes really.

I'm feeling quite liberated about entering my ' non monogamous relationship ventures' stage in life.
Adventures in multiple lovers and complete disclosure. Allowing myself to love them off in whatever capacity I authentically feel too, and walk away with no obligations attached.

My cure

Hateful and sarcastic bullshit. Meant to help me express feelings.

When you went to jail and started talking to me, did you understand I was a child. Did you consider how fragile and special children are, or had you stopped considering what I might  feel like? Do you understand that any good or loving father would be concerned about his daughter, if she spoke about sex at that age? Beyond all the ridiculous bullshit you excuse yourself with, about being more elevated than the average human, do you ever  think about what it would feel like if your mother tried to have sex with you. I bet in your fantasies she  bring you some jail hash, and alcohol, and tells you and her are going to have a party. .she  looks at you, up and down with lust and longing, appraising your bodies  sexual worth.

Or maybe its your dad…did he tell you about fucking your mom, and what she looked like when she cums? 

Since sex with me could have been natural and beautiful, did you dream of a threesome with your parents, Or how about your grandmother.

Since you pictured fucking me a thousand times, Have you also pictured straddling her aged body, and fucking her with all the advanced knowledge you have about humans and how natural sex with anyone should be?

It really must be beautiful to you, in your sick and worthless mind, I believe you fantasize about the most horrendous things, and cherish it.

Because you are limitless in your understanding, and you are higher in your knowledge, so high that you can see above all judgments, all standards of what is acceptable or healthy.

Since sex with me would have been good, I hope that you are happily fucking one of your sisters somewhere.  Only you deserve such a specially anointed  taste for the true and elevated human experience.

My whole life, I desperately wanted to be wrong about what I always knew you wanted from me.

I was terrified of you, because when you looked at me, I felt molested with your presence.

Long before you decided to give me a ‘massage’ in your bed, I knew to never trust your hands. Long before you told me you wanted to have sex with me, I was disgusted by your face.

I was scared of men, because of you. Imagine that…ALL 3 billion or so of them, I was scared of, because of you.

 So much fear you invoked in people around you, so much power from that fear that you loved.

I wonder did you prey on my fear of being touched by you, or did you yourself create that fear. Did you have any idea you had a daughter as intuitive as you are?

The same way you see into people, so that you can control the outcome to get whatever you want…I also see into people. I see into their private thoughts and emotions, I feel them and I mourn for everyone’s pain around me.

So when you sensed that I was scared of you sexually, is that what enticed you to massage me? The little girl who wouldn’t hug or kiss you, the little girl who would never sit in your lap. The little girl who would sit on uncle Nebills lap, or wrestle with Peter, that same girl who would never let you be alone with her – your own daughter.

Is it only for the power, or is it because you are a pervert who can’t control his urges?

Since you had already pushed all the normal boundaries of abuse, murder, and madness long before I was born, was sexually stalking your daughter just the next reasonable step in your life's calling of stealing from people?

I know you have suffered, and I’ve sadly enjoyed hearing about it.

I hope you die in the midst of your twisted, sadistic, lonely and state.

I sincerely look forward to the day i get that phone call. I also plan on spitting on your grave, should i ever happen to be compelled to see it. Id spit on your face if you had an open casket, but i doubt anyone will make those arrangements for you.

 None of your children trust you, and none of them want to be with you. Do you think about it, or are you enamored with your full and elevated life...cause really, u need to know your own children to care about you, do you?

 You have Silk’s love, maybe you throw her sex party so she doesn’t feel left out from the love you gave to me.