Week Im really not sure, I don't know why i bothered trying to count in the first place.

Yesterday was wack, I longed to be the person who didn't have any meaningful relationships, so that I could off myself, and not feel guilty about all these 'people's in my life' feelings.

Today feels good tho. I'm inspired to eat well, (After binging on crap and giving myself a 48 hour belly ache 2 days ago ) work out, record and am planning a music video I hope to shoot in a few months. Today it feels like I'm allowed to just enjoy thinking about these 4 things and not have to worry about the pending doom that is my future and my dark.

Reading 'women, food and god' and am once again being shown / encouraged to 'sit with my feelings' to... Feel them thru to the totality of them... To not panick when the dark comes but to accept it and 'mindfully' observe the thoughts and feelings instead of freaking out and believing in them ( thinking they are ' truth') Similar stuff/ approach as explained in the ' mindfull approach to depression' book.
The concept sounds... Relieving to me.
Allowing myself to feel non judgemental and somewhat accepting of my darkness would be a much better alternative than hating myself for my feelings and my exsistence .
It also seems pretty impossible... Like I really doubt my ability to have a ' mindfull neutral' dialouge with myself, while I'm in the middle of a dark attack..
In the book she talks about having a therpist walk you thru it initially, so  going to see about having my therapist do that for me if possible..

I have also come across this book and after readying the first chapter I am Super excited about its existence
'Undoing Depression: What therapy doesn't teach you and Medication can't give you ' by  Richard O'Connor.
After reading the first chapter I was damn near feeling joyful for like a good 4 hours, off the strength of the encouragement I got. It was such a total and complete confirmation of my feelings/suspicions about depression - in how its understood in the medical world and therefore how its treated.
Hard to explain...read the first chapter to know what I really mean.

Im back in the Bury of Sud, and focusing on finding a psychiatrist/psychotherapist who has substantial experience with Depression and can hopefully guide me through some effective...process's...or whatever the effective stuff I can be shown.