if i was ever to leave, and leave all the questions with you all, it would be - depression took me.
I would really really want people to try to understand that depression, a disease that kills, killed me.
I didn't get a chance to be someone who could answer your questions.
I didn't get to make music
i didn't get to have friends and loves
i didn't get to figure out a career
i didn't get to be a person who is happy to be living life
i didn't get to anything
and if its keeping me from it all, then the end feels so.. genuine.
there it is, the subscribing to and from death.
like committing to and from it.
series of emotional commitments leading down the steps
there might be something to an adhd diagnosis actually happening.
the worst part is, right now i don't hardly hear music inside, and THAT shit is depressing.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Ketamine tomorrow
A few days ago they stopped the TMS, as they determined it wasn't helping. The dr also explained to me that my MRI scan showed the type of brain they are least successful with, with TMS
Tomorrow I start what seems to be the most promising and risky drug I've been given - ketamine
http://www.bbc.com/news/health-26647738
Yesterday I found out it is very expensive, around 200$ a month, and isn't covered as it is a compound...
So I was terribly upset and unsure how it's going to work out, if it does In fact work.
Keeping in mind I've been on about a dozen drugs that haven't helped, I waiver between slightly hoping tomorrow will be different, and knowing it won't be.
I don't know how I'll be able to affor the drug, and living expenses, cause the truth is I can't.
I don't know how I'll be able to work enough to live, if I don't get better soon.
I cry approx every hour, and want only to die.
I do think I've given up on finding a way to do it, since seeing my step dad break down about about it.
I can't imagine how I'm soppused to keep functioning the way I have been, (on my own, acting as normal as I can) if the ketamine doesn't work
I'm still here, and I'm so angry that I have to be
Tomorrow I start what seems to be the most promising and risky drug I've been given - ketamine
http://www.bbc.com/news/health-26647738
Yesterday I found out it is very expensive, around 200$ a month, and isn't covered as it is a compound...
So I was terribly upset and unsure how it's going to work out, if it does In fact work.
Keeping in mind I've been on about a dozen drugs that haven't helped, I waiver between slightly hoping tomorrow will be different, and knowing it won't be.
I don't know how I'll be able to affor the drug, and living expenses, cause the truth is I can't.
I don't know how I'll be able to work enough to live, if I don't get better soon.
I cry approx every hour, and want only to die.
I do think I've given up on finding a way to do it, since seeing my step dad break down about about it.
I can't imagine how I'm soppused to keep functioning the way I have been, (on my own, acting as normal as I can) if the ketamine doesn't work
I'm still here, and I'm so angry that I have to be
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