week of exceptional loss

Ok, i wrote 3 entries over the last month or so, and lost them along with my ipod this week.
In true depressant form, i lost my shit mentally and wanted to die.
Seriously tho, i get more joy, comfort,convenience and necessary musical love/badly needed stimulus/and even more badly need resources out of that ipod touch, than i do any human or other thing in my life.

So i think i wrote  one depressing entry, one nervously hopeful one, and one super detailed and impressive letter to my 'father'. That letter was some serious progress for me. i can't believe i lost it.
 Im soooo the 'nervously hopeful' girl these days. Its so faaking gay.
and by gay i mean, its soft and embarrassing.
and by soft and embarrassing, i mean  ignorant and inconsiderate.
and by ignorant and inconsiderate, i mean i might actually be gay..ok?

I did a bunch of shows in the last 6 weeks and this is what i have to say about that:
- Booking agents, promotors, sound men and venues, can all go eat dicks. (except the soundman at lula lounge..he can eat the organic gluten free cupcakes he recommended to me cause HE actually deserves them)
- The dude who wants to manage me, means very well, but its not gona work out.
- Losing my ipod at the first show was an unfair and horribly cruel sacrifice
- Lady Daisey and Batsauce are the cutest, happiest, joy juice spreading, little artists i ever did meet.
- I no longer suck, or am brutally and visibly uncomfortable while singing for strangers.
- Doing the stuff you suck at, in an attempt to unsuck at it, does work.
- I never want to be a touring artist unless or untill i am rich, or have a great team of amazing people working with me / on my behalf.

 i dont believe rich or amazing team, is possible for me
Actually i dont think its probable.
which is a step up from possible, really.

Moving along,
I started psycho-therapy with a dude who specializes in depression. here is his site http://www.drstevens.ca/
i CANNOT believe it is $200 an hour. There is no coverage for these kinda services unless u have a GREAT health plan thru ur job. (i never had this, even when employed)
I dont so much think 'i deserve this, the government should cover it'.
Hopefully once i get over the price, i will be able to concentrate on trying to do the homework he gives me.

So far i have to
-make a list of my personal beliefs, and personal values.
-make point form notes of evidence to support and not support each one. Holy hell was that ever overwhelming, impossible and infuriating to me..i gave up pretty quick
- discern how each personal belief is serving me, as well as hurting me.
- consider new beliefs and values i could have, that would serve me in the ways my already established ones are, so that i can more easily conceive nexxing/offing one of the personal beliefs/values that is hurting me.

example:
Personal Belief - I hate mysef
Supporting evidence - I fuck up all over the place, i suck.
Non supporting evidence - Maybe ur just human, thats what humans do. (logical...yet..who cares, when u suck that bad.)
Way it hurts me - I resent and hold things against myself, i mistreat myself cause it satisfys the hate.
Way it serves me - I push myself really hard to achieve and do better, so that i can disprove/avoid the hate. (aka motivation)
Need: A new belief to serve as motivation.

This is where dreams, hopes, inspiration and passion are supposed to step in and scream 'we are motivating forces, choose us!"

That is where my depression steps in and says ' dreams and hopes are gay, and u barely if ever, experience inspiration and passion.

This is where i step in and say, its 2am and i have to be up by 8am.