Intro - part 2

This ‘blog’ is an experiment in sharing, and possibly helping/encouraging myself and/or others.
I’ve been thinking about, battling with the very concept of, and waging a war against ‘depression’ for a looooong time.
Only in the last year or so have I come to understand how much this ‘illness’ is running my life. Stealing it really.

I don’t want to bond to my pain or this title. I don’t want to even identify with it so much, or think about it a lot.
I have a theory that part of the problem in this world is the amount of time we spending feeding energy in to our ‘problems’ by keeping them constantly in our thoughts and words. (not a concept I created - obviously)

Howeveeeerrrrr, I've come to understand that I spend a good 98% of my life ignoring this fact about myself and pretending not at all to feel all the things I do, or have the thoughts I do.
I certainly don’t share them with the people in my life.
I’m very convinced there is no point. I’ve never had to tell myself ‘most people wont relate’, because they very clearly don’t. I know I'm not alone in this, in terms of the whole wide world, but I don’t have anyone remotely near me who I can relate my experience of depression with.
I call it my dark, I always have.
The word depression is clinical, and vague, and full of stigmas, and ultimately subjective to (or defined by) whoever uses it.
There’s a feeling of fakeness I want to change in my world, and I feel like it will bring me a sense of being more grounded if I do this.

I won’t expect people in my life to understand me the way my therapist does, but I do want to make a choice to start being honest about what I go thru, despite the fact that everything inside of me tells me ‘shutup and keep it to myself’.

I have an autobiography piece I'm working on, that I’ll include as soon as its done.

I cant start my life.
I cant chase my dreams. I wait. I wait. And wait. And wait.
And then here it is, here it starts and ends. My darkness comes.
Making my skin crawl, and my face distort.
Making my dreams fall, and my safe leave.
Making me hate more than you can ever imagine being able to loath every single thought that comes to mind.
Takes my memories and makes them a lie.
Takes my abilities and makes them joke.
Takes my body and makes it a burden and a torture.
Takes my life and makes it impossible.
Speaking is torture. Moving is irratating.
Bathing is out of the question.
Looking in a mirror is an invitation to imagine ripping my face off.
Knowing it is all for sure is the only real thing. period.

This is what my thoughts and feelings look like when my dark comes.
( my depression)

It doesn't happen everyday tho - so I hope to share my other less horrific self, when its around too.