I'm blessed

Ok first of all, I was looking over this blog and realized Id like to write about something other than ‘this is what my depressed thoughts look like’ cause…its depressing.
(pun so fully intended)
and to be fair and real, I do have tons and tons of non-depressed thoughts and reflections.
To give an accurate portrayal of my world and how depression effects it, its important to share and take into consideration, my many blessings and happyness’s.
I often hold myself in contempt over the very fact that I'm seemingly extremely ungrateful for all I do have, since I do have so much, and am still so upset so often.

Example #1 - My boyfriend of almost 10 months.

Our first conversation ever was all about our journey’s so far in discovery of, and in the name of, Self-Development…
in a club. Like we had this convo in a danceclub. who does that? (Me! I do..)

He knew and loved Wayne Dyer just like I do.
He spoke very directly, and carefully.
He had this authenticity about him that made me so comfortable.

And I knew he had something no other guy I’ve ever been involved with had, when about 2 months into us, I nervously (and poorly) described how I was feeling one oh so depressed day, and he said ‘Oh, your heads being loud eh? Yea, I know that place, I know exactly what that’s like’.
At that point we had had enough convo, with him always asking me questions upon questions about myself until he understood the full scope, and endless things related on, for me to know that he did know what I meant.
And yes, my head was being loud. What a cool way to say it.

Just 2 weekends ago, after spending most of my week spiraling down, I came into the weekend full of suicidal thoughts, relentless self hatred and panicked tears.
This man sits with me on my bed, with unwavering focus and love in his eyes, and tells me that even though my thoughts feel real - they aren't.
I frustratingly debated with him about how true my thoughts are, how the convo is soooo relative, and how real my dark world was feeling so therefore is, while he calmly and patiently refuted each of my morbid arguments . ‘The place your in isn’t real, and it will pass don’t fight it, just acknowledge it’ is what he said. Interesting eh?. Makes think of the bible verse ‘this too shall pass’ (also a great India Irie song – big tune) I'm still working on thoroughly understanding that concept and trying it out, I feel like faith is apart of it.
I'm still figuring out that one too.

About 45 mins in the tortured convo, I felt so much love for him and in the next second,felt my morbid dark lift away. This is HUGE, since I have to go the bed and wakeup in a new day (usually a few times) before I feel a lift from the heaviness. Suddenly the movie we were planning to take to nephews too that afternoon stopped being a horribly stressful affair in my mind, and started looking like a pretty cool way to spend our Sunday aft.

The point of it all (big tune again ha) is - what an amazing dude eh?

‘Letting people in’ has been a tortured thing for me. I'm one of those introverted semi typical ‘girl with walls up’ ones. I never ever thought a person could do what he does for me.

I'm blessed.