So much going on, this is probably the part of my journey i should be documenting the most.
.....*trying not to say that i suck for being such a bad blogger*

*telling myself that whatever i put down in words, is good enough, and its truly ok that i dont write more*



I was in newyork for the holidays with my sister and brother, and i struggled. I had a breakdown 2 days before  I was leaving ny to come back home, and wound up coming home early.
It was intense. I never let myself fall apart anywhere but my own space. that was a first.
also i called my step dad who talked to me, and eventually cried and kinda pleaded with me to come back early. THAT was a real first.
Saying that i am so so blessed by and also being changed by having his complete support and understanding in this journey, is a crazy huge understatement.
I never ever had anyone who understood any of this.
I go thru these long feelings of mourning for all the years where i just knew, there was no one who could ever a) see me like that b)understand me in that c) support me thru that
Its still way to good to be true.

I lived with this man since i was 8 till i was 16, and i didn't really trust him fully. or consistently.
I even thought he might have touched me inappropriately once when i was like 10- but i was terrified of men and being molested, cause of my real dad. my  real dad first touched me around that same age.

2 things
- Im experiencing my depression with at least one foot in the door of awareness and separation.
Its like a feeling that comes over me, but leaves, and then comes right back. I waver between observing myself and trying so hard to have some compassion/sympathy for m, and being right in my body/depression, and feeing it just as i always have.
-My discipline is renewed since the ny episode, and i am (so far) diligently reading my " Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Depression' and doing the written exercises.

On my way to ny, i got stuck in the buffalo airport for almost 10 hours, and all i had brought was my ' Undoing Depression book' So  read almost all of it. it was awesome.
Realistically, that  mighta carried me thru my first few days in  ny before things got intense.