Hateful and sarcastic bullshit. Meant to help me express feelings.

When you went to jail and started talking to me, did you understand I was a child. Did you consider how fragile and special children are, or had you stopped considering what I might  feel like? Do you understand that any good or loving father would be concerned about his daughter, if she spoke about sex at that age? Beyond all the ridiculous bullshit you excuse yourself with, about being more elevated than the average human, do you ever  think about what it would feel like if your mother tried to have sex with you. I bet in your fantasies she  bring you some jail hash, and alcohol, and tells you and her are going to have a party. .she  looks at you, up and down with lust and longing, appraising your bodies  sexual worth.

Or maybe its your dad…did he tell you about fucking your mom, and what she looked like when she cums? 

Since sex with me could have been natural and beautiful, did you dream of a threesome with your parents, Or how about your grandmother.

Since you pictured fucking me a thousand times, Have you also pictured straddling her aged body, and fucking her with all the advanced knowledge you have about humans and how natural sex with anyone should be?

It really must be beautiful to you, in your sick and worthless mind, I believe you fantasize about the most horrendous things, and cherish it.

Because you are limitless in your understanding, and you are higher in your knowledge, so high that you can see above all judgments, all standards of what is acceptable or healthy.

Since sex with me would have been good, I hope that you are happily fucking one of your sisters somewhere.  Only you deserve such a specially anointed  taste for the true and elevated human experience.

My whole life, I desperately wanted to be wrong about what I always knew you wanted from me.

I was terrified of you, because when you looked at me, I felt molested with your presence.

Long before you decided to give me a ‘massage’ in your bed, I knew to never trust your hands. Long before you told me you wanted to have sex with me, I was disgusted by your face.

I was scared of men, because of you. Imagine that…ALL 3 billion or so of them, I was scared of, because of you.

 So much fear you invoked in people around you, so much power from that fear that you loved.

I wonder did you prey on my fear of being touched by you, or did you yourself create that fear. Did you have any idea you had a daughter as intuitive as you are?

The same way you see into people, so that you can control the outcome to get whatever you want…I also see into people. I see into their private thoughts and emotions, I feel them and I mourn for everyone’s pain around me.

So when you sensed that I was scared of you sexually, is that what enticed you to massage me? The little girl who wouldn’t hug or kiss you, the little girl who would never sit in your lap. The little girl who would sit on uncle Nebills lap, or wrestle with Peter, that same girl who would never let you be alone with her – your own daughter.

Is it only for the power, or is it because you are a pervert who can’t control his urges?

Since you had already pushed all the normal boundaries of abuse, murder, and madness long before I was born, was sexually stalking your daughter just the next reasonable step in your life's calling of stealing from people?

I know you have suffered, and I’ve sadly enjoyed hearing about it.

I hope you die in the midst of your twisted, sadistic, lonely and state.

I sincerely look forward to the day i get that phone call. I also plan on spitting on your grave, should i ever happen to be compelled to see it. Id spit on your face if you had an open casket, but i doubt anyone will make those arrangements for you.

 None of your children trust you, and none of them want to be with you. Do you think about it, or are you enamored with your full and elevated life...cause really, u need to know your own children to care about you, do you?

 You have Silk’s love, maybe you throw her sex party so she doesn’t feel left out from the love you gave to me.  

So much going on, this is probably the part of my journey i should be documenting the most.
.....*trying not to say that i suck for being such a bad blogger*

*telling myself that whatever i put down in words, is good enough, and its truly ok that i dont write more*



I was in newyork for the holidays with my sister and brother, and i struggled. I had a breakdown 2 days before  I was leaving ny to come back home, and wound up coming home early.
It was intense. I never let myself fall apart anywhere but my own space. that was a first.
also i called my step dad who talked to me, and eventually cried and kinda pleaded with me to come back early. THAT was a real first.
Saying that i am so so blessed by and also being changed by having his complete support and understanding in this journey, is a crazy huge understatement.
I never ever had anyone who understood any of this.
I go thru these long feelings of mourning for all the years where i just knew, there was no one who could ever a) see me like that b)understand me in that c) support me thru that
Its still way to good to be true.

I lived with this man since i was 8 till i was 16, and i didn't really trust him fully. or consistently.
I even thought he might have touched me inappropriately once when i was like 10- but i was terrified of men and being molested, cause of my real dad. my  real dad first touched me around that same age.

2 things
- Im experiencing my depression with at least one foot in the door of awareness and separation.
Its like a feeling that comes over me, but leaves, and then comes right back. I waver between observing myself and trying so hard to have some compassion/sympathy for m, and being right in my body/depression, and feeing it just as i always have.
-My discipline is renewed since the ny episode, and i am (so far) diligently reading my " Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Depression' and doing the written exercises.

On my way to ny, i got stuck in the buffalo airport for almost 10 hours, and all i had brought was my ' Undoing Depression book' So  read almost all of it. it was awesome.
Realistically, that  mighta carried me thru my first few days in  ny before things got intense.