I just watched 'for colored girls'

I watched this movie put the people in a sobbering trance. Bubbles of joy get burst for a couple of hours and people think ' damn...fuck that's alot of pain' maybe they feel moved to judge that crazy girl less.. Or they feel badly for all time times they wrote someone off for being too ghetto, or too stuck in their own pain to see how nnly they have the power to stop making their pain grow.. Or watever. It's this sense of ' that is way to much hardcore shit happening to way too woman'

I resent this.

I just resent that this 'place ' people go to, thru art, in this case a play/movie (generally) where they find themselves deeply impacted by other peoples pain , is the same place I've been trapped in my whole life..
I resent this whole ' shock you into understanding that their is always a story behind person where, and we should feel empathy' is a place people have to get shocked into to see, in the first place.
How much more obvious can all the pain fucking get?! Once it's revealed for first time, why do people forget to see it after.
Why am I only the only person I know, who is too heartbroken by life, to take it or myself seriously. Shouldn't everyone be frozen by it all Or at least a much larger majority

I get compelled to write sometimes now. Write my thoughts and feelings,
This is very new.
I know this is a good thing, but I still procrastinate, even while the urge is in me.
I think there's something to my denying or disregarding any urge I have to do anything  healthy/helpful to my mental well being.
As with so much of this, I'm working on it.
Which means, I think about it, hoping to change it, and congratulate myself a lot on the rare times that I jump on it, and follow the urge.

I'm painfully annoyed at my progress, in becoming someone who isn't immobilized, in action, in my own life.
Time alone with my thoughts still leads to one place only.
So I spend much more time trying to not be alone with my thoughts
Until I am, and then I'm trapped.
And by spending time trying not to be alone with my thoughts, I mean, I give an effort to see people. Still certainly a hermit 70% of the time.
Which vastly beats the 93% of the time, that I used to hide from people

Food sex and sleep still serve as the escapes
I'm thankful I learnt from therapist that soothing myself thru these means is fine.
Now I give myself a pass instead of hating my self for it.
Mostly

After a lot of analyzing by way of deduction, especially while pifficated, I've come to realize that a  lot of my current anxiety is based around my life involving people, their thoughts and their input ( spoken but also by action), now that I'm involving people.

People used to be my very controlled projects/fleeting enjoyment/stresses.

I've realized that my control of people in my life, but never ever close to or privy to my reality, is partially learnt from my parents, who both do this, intensely and always.
There's been exceptions, slow ones, and lots of ones who I abandon with the relative quickness.

Music.
With this opportunity in ny, and my lack of taking it up seriously, I've come to get to know my strange and frustrating immobilization habits, with my singing,
Hating my voice is still the main thing
Not singing very much, or in the way that I should, is still the main stronghold in the equation

I'm trying very hard to fight hating myself about it, and to regard it all with 'compassionate curiosity'
I'm certainly curious as all hell.
Speaking to almost anyone about my music, when asked, is a bad reminder

I applied for school
Free school while rent is being paid by government seems like a no brainer.
Also quite risky, but nothing isn't risky at this point.
Realistically ill wind up writing songs in class and dying to record all the time.
Cause I can't resist doing whatever the fuck I'm not supposed to.
I'm down tho, whatever it takes really.

I'm feeling quite liberated about entering my ' non monogamous relationship ventures' stage in life.
Adventures in multiple lovers and complete disclosure. Allowing myself to love them off in whatever capacity I authentically feel too, and walk away with no obligations attached.

My cure