I feel like my world is moving so fast

I feel so lifted from where I was just a few weeks ago and at the same time it’s bittersweet and scary. When I was sooo upset and dark recently, the crash felt so devastating to me based on how much ‘good feelings’ I had been able to accomplish recently.. In the ‘clarity’ I sware that I have inside of my dark place, I begin to realize that my progress was a joke or a lie.
And it comes out of nowhere, sometimes feeling like the dark waits until I'm ‘happy/light’ to crash down and drown me. I'm encouraged by my therapist and my boyfriend to think of the dark me as the ‘liar’.Today I wonder if its not about making one of me ‘persons’ a lie, as much as it is accepting how real they both feel and are, when they are in control – but that I am very specifically striving to make the light place my trusted personality – the one I believe in.
Thing is, I don’t know how to believe in anything I can’t rely on, and I certainly can’t rely on my light me to stick around.
I understand that in the recent past I felt devastated because I was disappointed, I felt like the progress was undone…but really its not. Its no more undone than the past not being real because it is not present. The past is not present now, but its not a lie.
The progress may feel distant but it will come back - If I fight for it.
In so many ways I feel like I'm not in a ‘light place’ more often or more permanently, because I'm not a committed or disciplined enough fighter.
I also feel slightly set back each time. Each really bad time, I get a little shell shocked for a while.I feel like I'm rambling...

I'm glad I have somewhere to talk about this ish now though, this is good for me.
It blows my mind how ‘helpful’ talking or writing about things are.
Like I can think a thought in my head a million times, but putting them into words helps to release and quiet them.
I realize this is not a profound concept but like…why is that?
I'm a pretty introverted person, I think about everything internally before I speak about it.
I also have a hard time finding people who can follow my thoughts (not so much due to how complex it is or isn’t, but more so how quickly I move thru them and on to the next one )
I spent a LOT of my life avoiding writing and speaking because more than anything its just not naturally comfortable to me.Anywho..rambling once again.

Since starting to write about my depression here, and come clean about it with some people in my life, I'm suppppper encouraged by a few people who have gone out of the way and told me about themselves or others they know who are/have been suffering.
I don’t know how, or in what capacity but I am Determined to be part of putting some exposure on this issue.

I ‘came out’ and told my mom last Monday how serious or reoccurring my depression really is. It was a very /interesting/surreal/nice/awkward feeling and strange as hell convo. All in all, a very good and a big step in the name of ‘authenticity’ in my life, and with people in my life.
I think she took it well, and also took it as an invitation to be and feel ‘closer to me’. Although me sharing something so big, clearly supports a move towards more closeness, I'm not sure if I'm ready. Actually more like I'm pretty sure she isn’t ready.
How terribly arrogant of me to think that eh.?..That story's a whole other 12 page blog post though.