Im in a medical study that i just got kicked out of, because i dropped one of the antidepressant pill i snuck in.
Amature fucking idiot. Not even an amature actually, just sloppy.
I used to be so driven to avoid sloppy.
Now with all this accepting of my suffering, i have lost my grip on alot of effcientcy.
I should have not brought any and suffered the withdrawls
I only broguth one days supply for a 4 day and 4 night stay.
Not worth the risk at all
Im out 1800$, that i desperately needright now.
I of course feel humilated and angry at self
Although, the staff here has not been unkind or judgmental, surprisingly, and im greatful for that.
Im working hard at working thru not going i to the depths of self hate, because i have at least learnt some skills in this area from my therapy.
For the record, altho this obv isnt a fucking record, i make sure there is no risk factor of interactions with the study drug here at the clinic, and my own meds.
I quite possibly would fuck up there results, but a) i dont care, and i joke that i am bringing more accuracy to their tests.
S far i have talked myself out of the horrific self hate and feel mostly that i ambound to keep making mistakes, as long as i a, desperate for money.
Which leads me to all my thinking of how horribly unhealthy my relationship with money is.
I view it as one of my biggest burdens, and something that i simply will never get a handle on.
The amount of money ive wasted in the last three years is a strong testiment to my complete lack of dicipline or self care when it comes to money.
I do realize tho how horribly i was taught bad habits growing with money just with stuff with dad, momey stress with mom and no encouragement for future. yet in the midst of that, being taught some great ones.
Which enabled me to always pay rent alone since 17, nd never default payments on credit/loans
I am only writing this shit out because i think my therapist would say i should note the positives in my money handling as well.
I feel so stupid making note of the strengths that werent strong enough to keep me out of this desperate time that could be avoided, quite easily.
Im looking for nannying jobs now and have a few prospects.
At the sacrifice of finsihing my ep anytime soon tho.
We'll see.
I keep thinking about everyones confidence in my music, oppused to my disatisfaction/ hatred for it.
Im going to let it go, truly, once i enter school
Not singing because i plan to pursue the jazz cover group, but the pursuing my own solo career part.
Ill never stop writing, i just hope i can let go of how much i suck, and get back to finding my release, once the pressure is off.
If it ever feels off.
I want only to be around people i can be transparent with
Theres a small handful, thank god.(not)
To jai and audras i go, asap, once im out
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Saturday, March 16, 2013
I wish i posted more often
Because really, I write down shit in other places, that should be here. More than that I think things that I should put here so I can remember them Regardless. here I am today. And try not to hold that shit against myself, I must.
I haven't talked to my psychotherapist in almost a year, which is really not cool,but he is 205$ an hour and that is just absurd in my financial world for now.
I'm actually going to see if I can find a grant I could apply for that I could use for therapy. If such a thing exists So I been creating this inventory of shit I'd like to talk to dr stevens about, so that when I see him I don't draw a blank or forget something important.
Dr. Stevens / mcCormick - my psychologist and my psychiatrist
- Seeing so many mom patterns, and wondering if I hold things against her, only cause I hold them against me. Or do I because I feel like I'm this way because she made me. And do I resent being created because of this. I think I do. I still resent being created by 2 people with such deficits. Isn't everyone soppused to have one parent or surrogate parent, that nurtures them emotionally. Feels like everyone else has one
. - Being close to people is a or the main stress cause, underneath it all It won't work It will hurt too much
Are they one and the same, can I separate them and be ok /less hurt with accepting the never working/lasting part?
- my music - opening up my music to sharing with the world is so full of bullshit stress. involving people does that to me. Because people involve communication and trust,and communication and trust will always leave me disappointed and frustrated
, Case in point, erick kinda breaking my heart in NYC last year. I think it brought up my abandonment issues because I lost it in a way I never had, with any producer letting me down. I KNOW it's not his fault, he deals with the same overwhelming stress that i do....but I would step the fuck up to the plate a bit more if roles were reversed.
Like mufucker I MOVED TO NY to do this with u!
Seriously. And he knew that.
My abandoment issues/responce came up. Thats never happened with any other producer that flops
AND singing brings out my self hate. Like literally opens up the gates of hell to that which is my grimiest most overwhelming, self hate.
So I avoid it obviously for too long, which makes me suck even worse than I did wheni was singing more regularly. Seems like I only sing on a regular basis if I'm doing backups for someone, or when I was in jazz duo.
I have to be doing it for someone else, outside of myself, for me to maintain dicipline.
That defies so much of what I believe in!
EXCEPT for when music was my release and not my endevour.
And its lost. and i wana go the fuck back in time to when it was all i had.
no matter what, every time I open my mouth now I judge and feel only the endeavor part.
I lost my voice being my diary and my grieving. I hold that against myself. A thought that challenges
this: I was once told 'inspiration is for amateurs' by an artist, So I probably need to paint that quote
5x's and keep it all over my life.
- Causes me to question the size of risk I am taking in every damn thing I do. i over calculate how to stay 'on top' or how to stay in a position I will be ok with, no matter what happens. How to stay LOW RISK. So.fucking.scared.of.risk.
Then I sometimes find after the fact, I was infact bugging out and just need to trust that risks are ok But it's only some of the time, so now how the hell am I supposed to know which is which before hand
But then people tell me they admire the risks I'm taking...maybe I'm not making them fast enough for my own approval?
- A main daily struggle is pushing past everything that says nothing will work out. Now that I know that voice is inaccurate, or at least not healthy, I try to reason with it/myself, or I ignore it. Some days I'm successful. Some days I am completely unsuccessful.
This ties into the above thing, but it causes
me to question
Am I being gentle? Am I being lazy?
I allow myself to not do too much in one day. I know I'm capable of more. My job was demanding. But everything costs me this price - the cost of having confidence in myself. and its more then I am used to having to pay when I was depressed,what i was used to consistently having/needing to have.
- Moms email letter Thinking about my family keeps overwhelming me Will we be closer?
Willl I be able to help them?is it even a good idea to try? Should I work on accepting and not trying to change anything? Because thing is I feel like I'm the only one who can help And outside of my dad, they are not inherintly evil.
- I'm struggling alot with doing things I want to do, and being accountable to self to actually do them Is this only a habit created from depression, OR have I developed this habit, to serve as an easy way out of ever trying?
That would really blow
- Why I believe close intimate relationships won't work: I cant handle another persons everything, in my brain.
I don't want to fit anymore people into my brain, outside of my fam. It's too fucking much as it is.
And I keep away from intimacy, cause it always consumes me with the constant back and forth, 'this is possible.
This is not possible '
'this is foreal, this is not foreal' '
he really does love me instead of being fooled into thinking I'm that someone I'm really not Can I trust this Is this thing even designed for success tho?!
Cause it damn sure seems like its not if u take a look around at all of the constant heartbreaks Would non manogamy be a good fit for me?
As I get more and more comfortable with myself, will that be the thing that enables this romantic type of love?
Will i spend the next, 2,4 6 10 years just going thru fighting each belief I have Like I don't believe in long term romantic companionship.
Like past 10 , 15,20 years or some shit, but am I gona have to challenge that before I can be happy?
- Constant analysis over what thought pattern or belief or habit was depression induced, and what is simply me. Because now I'm always wanting to challenge all the belief/habit/patterns that are rooted in depression, or that exist to help keep me depressed. Part of my survival depends on it right..like if I don't debunk it and it needs to be debunked, it could take me under again. But Can I tell myself it's not helpful to do this all the damn time,and try to stop? Would that even work or would it just bring on the guilt/ disappointment that also serves to keep me hating myself?
- Now that I'm better in some capacity, I have to face all these beliefs I have about the world and myself, and now constantly challenge them. I'm over anxious about when I'm gona figure it out, and have 'who I am and what I believe' , come naturally to me Ad then I get anxious with each scenerio, as it comes up I struggle with a lack of motivation bigtime, and a paralysis due to being overwhelmed with how fucking lazy I am
-When will he stop haunting me.
Why does my brain think such disgusting thoughts Was it him that planted that habit in me
. A fear that I am disgusting because he made me feel I was, A fear that I manifest?
I've thought about him during sex way too often It's so fucking sick, it seems its the only thing left that makes me wana die.
I keep hoping he dies, thinking that might be some closure.
I hate that he is alive.
I hate that he is still free to pursue his own happiness
I hate that I know he is ruining someone(s) life/lives everyday, as I wander around life with this bullshit he left inside me
I hate that I miss certain things about him I hate that I still feel some kind of love towards him, when I am recalling what I miss.
I hate that I want to fucking talk about him! I want to have some kind of electric shock therapy that erases him from my fucking infected brain
I should probably re record do I really have to...richkidd has the files for me still after all this time
And the one thing that is yelling at me in my head right now is this:
'U thinking so fucking much is what is destroying u and sustaining ur bullshit'
This is why josh drinks hardcore. This is why Beth was strung out on smack
This is why people self Medicate. to Silence the thoughts
This is why people lash out at life and start wars with it.
And all I came up with was, this is why I wana die.
But was too pussy to do it.
Remember everyone u would damage tho.
for life u would damage them. I resent that my suicide would hurt them.
just like they want life and money and love and careers, I wish they could somehow understand its what I want most.
Wanted.
Wanted
wanted ..
I haven't talked to my psychotherapist in almost a year, which is really not cool,but he is 205$ an hour and that is just absurd in my financial world for now.
I'm actually going to see if I can find a grant I could apply for that I could use for therapy. If such a thing exists So I been creating this inventory of shit I'd like to talk to dr stevens about, so that when I see him I don't draw a blank or forget something important.
Dr. Stevens / mcCormick - my psychologist and my psychiatrist
- Seeing so many mom patterns, and wondering if I hold things against her, only cause I hold them against me. Or do I because I feel like I'm this way because she made me. And do I resent being created because of this. I think I do. I still resent being created by 2 people with such deficits. Isn't everyone soppused to have one parent or surrogate parent, that nurtures them emotionally. Feels like everyone else has one
. - Being close to people is a or the main stress cause, underneath it all It won't work It will hurt too much
Are they one and the same, can I separate them and be ok /less hurt with accepting the never working/lasting part?
- my music - opening up my music to sharing with the world is so full of bullshit stress. involving people does that to me. Because people involve communication and trust,and communication and trust will always leave me disappointed and frustrated
, Case in point, erick kinda breaking my heart in NYC last year. I think it brought up my abandonment issues because I lost it in a way I never had, with any producer letting me down. I KNOW it's not his fault, he deals with the same overwhelming stress that i do....but I would step the fuck up to the plate a bit more if roles were reversed.
Like mufucker I MOVED TO NY to do this with u!
Seriously. And he knew that.
My abandoment issues/responce came up. Thats never happened with any other producer that flops
AND singing brings out my self hate. Like literally opens up the gates of hell to that which is my grimiest most overwhelming, self hate.
So I avoid it obviously for too long, which makes me suck even worse than I did wheni was singing more regularly. Seems like I only sing on a regular basis if I'm doing backups for someone, or when I was in jazz duo.
I have to be doing it for someone else, outside of myself, for me to maintain dicipline.
That defies so much of what I believe in!
EXCEPT for when music was my release and not my endevour.
And its lost. and i wana go the fuck back in time to when it was all i had.
no matter what, every time I open my mouth now I judge and feel only the endeavor part.
I lost my voice being my diary and my grieving. I hold that against myself. A thought that challenges
this: I was once told 'inspiration is for amateurs' by an artist, So I probably need to paint that quote
5x's and keep it all over my life.
- Causes me to question the size of risk I am taking in every damn thing I do. i over calculate how to stay 'on top' or how to stay in a position I will be ok with, no matter what happens. How to stay LOW RISK. So.fucking.scared.of.risk.
Then I sometimes find after the fact, I was infact bugging out and just need to trust that risks are ok But it's only some of the time, so now how the hell am I supposed to know which is which before hand
But then people tell me they admire the risks I'm taking...maybe I'm not making them fast enough for my own approval?
- A main daily struggle is pushing past everything that says nothing will work out. Now that I know that voice is inaccurate, or at least not healthy, I try to reason with it/myself, or I ignore it. Some days I'm successful. Some days I am completely unsuccessful.
This ties into the above thing, but it causes
me to question
Am I being gentle? Am I being lazy?
I allow myself to not do too much in one day. I know I'm capable of more. My job was demanding. But everything costs me this price - the cost of having confidence in myself. and its more then I am used to having to pay when I was depressed,what i was used to consistently having/needing to have.
- Moms email letter Thinking about my family keeps overwhelming me Will we be closer?
Willl I be able to help them?is it even a good idea to try? Should I work on accepting and not trying to change anything? Because thing is I feel like I'm the only one who can help And outside of my dad, they are not inherintly evil.
- I'm struggling alot with doing things I want to do, and being accountable to self to actually do them Is this only a habit created from depression, OR have I developed this habit, to serve as an easy way out of ever trying?
That would really blow
- Why I believe close intimate relationships won't work: I cant handle another persons everything, in my brain.
I don't want to fit anymore people into my brain, outside of my fam. It's too fucking much as it is.
And I keep away from intimacy, cause it always consumes me with the constant back and forth, 'this is possible.
This is not possible '
'this is foreal, this is not foreal' '
he really does love me instead of being fooled into thinking I'm that someone I'm really not Can I trust this Is this thing even designed for success tho?!
Cause it damn sure seems like its not if u take a look around at all of the constant heartbreaks Would non manogamy be a good fit for me?
As I get more and more comfortable with myself, will that be the thing that enables this romantic type of love?
Will i spend the next, 2,4 6 10 years just going thru fighting each belief I have Like I don't believe in long term romantic companionship.
Like past 10 , 15,20 years or some shit, but am I gona have to challenge that before I can be happy?
- Constant analysis over what thought pattern or belief or habit was depression induced, and what is simply me. Because now I'm always wanting to challenge all the belief/habit/patterns that are rooted in depression, or that exist to help keep me depressed. Part of my survival depends on it right..like if I don't debunk it and it needs to be debunked, it could take me under again. But Can I tell myself it's not helpful to do this all the damn time,and try to stop? Would that even work or would it just bring on the guilt/ disappointment that also serves to keep me hating myself?
- Now that I'm better in some capacity, I have to face all these beliefs I have about the world and myself, and now constantly challenge them. I'm over anxious about when I'm gona figure it out, and have 'who I am and what I believe' , come naturally to me Ad then I get anxious with each scenerio, as it comes up I struggle with a lack of motivation bigtime, and a paralysis due to being overwhelmed with how fucking lazy I am
-When will he stop haunting me.
Why does my brain think such disgusting thoughts Was it him that planted that habit in me
. A fear that I am disgusting because he made me feel I was, A fear that I manifest?
I've thought about him during sex way too often It's so fucking sick, it seems its the only thing left that makes me wana die.
I keep hoping he dies, thinking that might be some closure.
I hate that he is alive.
I hate that he is still free to pursue his own happiness
I hate that I know he is ruining someone(s) life/lives everyday, as I wander around life with this bullshit he left inside me
I hate that I miss certain things about him I hate that I still feel some kind of love towards him, when I am recalling what I miss.
I hate that I want to fucking talk about him! I want to have some kind of electric shock therapy that erases him from my fucking infected brain
I should probably re record do I really have to...richkidd has the files for me still after all this time
And the one thing that is yelling at me in my head right now is this:
'U thinking so fucking much is what is destroying u and sustaining ur bullshit'
This is why josh drinks hardcore. This is why Beth was strung out on smack
This is why people self Medicate. to Silence the thoughts
This is why people lash out at life and start wars with it.
And all I came up with was, this is why I wana die.
But was too pussy to do it.
Remember everyone u would damage tho.
for life u would damage them. I resent that my suicide would hurt them.
just like they want life and money and love and careers, I wish they could somehow understand its what I want most.
Wanted.
Wanted
wanted ..
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