Week 1

im here
ive "started"
I havent done much yet, im about 3 days into being in this small northern ont city, staying with my step sister, and in an effort to not beat myself up, i will try not to mention how little ive done, and how much ive slept.

I wish i could get connected to life already.

I strangly am thinking about what a nice distraction a baby might be....rediculous. Must be my brain coming up with the dumbest ideas ever to create a diversion from the task at hand.

If i had had that baby, it would be 3 years old now. holy shit.

So yea, im giving myself one week max, of continuing to not do all the things im soppused to be doing, and then i will pursue with the self verbal abuse untill I get my ass in gear.
(I have worked out, just haven't started the reading/meditating.)

What if nothing i do makes any difference?
What if what i need has nothing to do with my cognitive efforts? (meaning what if what i  need is some immaculate love, or jesus/buddah/yusee induced emancipation)
What if my pursuit to be non depressed and somewhat successful boardering on amazing is  misinformed and impossibility, whereby accepting my mediocre status and depressed state is the key?

what if i give all of my what if's way to much credibility?

I think i need to go all out and create one of those big ass vision boards i have always made fun of in my mind.

ok, that is what i will make this weeks task into.
yeehaw.