retroactive entries - October thru November

Oct 11 approx

I feel absurdly good. Its been going on about 36 hours now and im spooked out but thankful.

Im trying to concentrate on feeling it, and not analyzing/criticizing it. I uped my dose in cymbalta by another 30 grams so now im on 150, which is a high dose but im cool with that (progress!)

the joy juice started at this wedding. I barely knew anyone there and i was kinda bored, a lil frustrated with myself and missing this dude i hung out with recently. not so much missing him cause i dont know him real well, but missing the feeling of being connected to someone.

I dont kno if i made the decision to change my mood ( i doubt it since that has never worked before) or if it was the meds or the universe, but i danced my ass off with all these people i dont know (something i would never do) and felt good. The next day i felt open and connected again and had a great day. There was even some family drama that went down and i managed to not take it in, and let it hurt me for too long. I feel a changed. I wonder how long or often its gona be around for. I met a girl and spoke with her for hours about mental healthier, self development, education of both and her own schizophrenic brother. More and still, i want/need to get involved in speaking about mental health and my journey with depression and seeking out help. This is one of those things i actually do pray about. Ive taken to praying to yusee cause really, he's the only one i know is actually up there.

My grandma is going to die soon, i can feel it. Im doing what i do with painful ish, and am kinda wishing it would happen soon cause i cant handle this anticipation for the grieving to begin.
I hope i don't lose some of my hope in myself when she goes, i know it will test it.

Im really hoping  to look for an overseas job, possibly singing or doing some community development type work, cause i feel ready to work now, and take on challenges.

im proud of myself

and it just took me 5 mins, and tears in my eyes to type that.

Im being changed and for now, my resistance is low. When it does flare up and i don't have the know how or energy to fight it, im gona try to acknowledge its presence, note why it exists (that resistance), and then busy myself.

Im also gona sing my ass off this year, cause my experiment in doing shows/touring this summer has definitely concluded that i want to sing every gotdam day.

Nov 11th

Today when i was hugging my mom goodbye she said ' im really glad u have ur aunts, step daddy, sisters and Tara, that are all close to you and supporting you throught this.

And i felt like the unspoken words were:
Im glad u have let people who love you and will help to care for you, back inside your world

i felt the unspoken and prob sub conscience words were:
Even tho we aren't close, i know u have really good people that u are now letting yourself be close to..so i don't worry about not being the one who does this for u, Im just glad its happening.

what if me and my mom just don't have compatible types of love to give each other. like we are both north pole magnets. or maybe im a metal that wont magnetize to her



Nov 23

Im thinking about immersing myself in making things and doing stuff that will make the time i start again in t.o, the best most comfortable it can be.

Even tho the meds are working so that i don't get stuck in the the dark, i do feel super trapped by fear and doubt.
What if i can never love me?
what if i can never love life?
I dont know what type of a future or career to pursue
I dont like being alone now, but close to people still poses all the same problems it used to...which is a whole other 18 page entry.

Dec 3rd

Dear Creator(s)/spirit world/powers that are invisible to me, but are hopefully at work in the world.

I used to be morbidly depressed, i learnt to  bury it deep under the surface of the persona i would show the world, because i didn't thin anyone deserved to see my dark, or would understand what they were seeing. Occasionally it reared its head to the surface of me, and i lived in anguish for however long that lasted. Being numb was the key. It was a relief to be numb, for the most part. Except that being numb comes with its own set of problems, and it also feels, at times, like somewhat of an act. The thought of future was horrifying and way to much to bare ( i was sure i would die soon enough- suicide attempt gone right for once?) , so i learnt to not believe in future. In fact it got so where hearing about future sounded funny and gay...like a fairytale with so many holes in the plot.

I've been this medication - 180mg of Cymbalta to be exact, for about 3 months now and its sort of magical, I dont get pulled under by the morbid depression anymore - at least i haven't fully yet. I've been what feels like close a bunch of times, but amazingly i get pulled,snapped or transitioned out of it within 24hours.

Im not in hell on earth, and im thankful and all that except i still dont like being alive, and the future now  overwhelms me in a large but  different way.

This more bareable, not quite hell on earth im in now, sucks. Not equally but still, it sucks as follows

-I dont believe in myself.
Im doing alllllllllllll kinds of work/reading/therapy and so on to work on this, and the scary thing is, no matter how much i achieve by way of understanding or seeing the proof that 'i am pretty decently capable and dope' - it doesn't matter. this feeling comes back and makes me realize it never left, it just got quieter and less pushy.
It doesn't tell me to kill myself, or that im disgusting.
It politely says - 'yea, ur alright..ur pretty average by way of humans...aka, ur born to fuck up..thats cool i guess..being a fucked up person in a fucked up world..its never gona stop...yay..thumbs up for u/us..what a life.'
apparently this is gona take years to work on..makes sense, 20+ years of convincing myself i suck can't be undone in a few months.

thing is....noooott so much worth it for me..to fight this.
 Like im too tired for 5 or 10 or whatever its gona take years to get there.

Which brings me to my second part of the suck

There is
 yet and still
nothing to live for.

I still resent humanity and being a part of it.

That fact, that nightmarish, sickening , dark joke that is on all of us,  used to crush me everyday. I was just 13 when it started it, and after  a few years of searching thru philosophy and religion and examing closely for any/all internal voices/convictions, the morbid depression had set in.

I've been thinking alot about if its this reality, that brought me depression.
Did this truly start the first colossal downward spiral into what feels like hate and sorrow manifested into a cloud of mood u are trapped in.

really, ill never know.

Silly me,  i thought getting cured of depression would mean i would find motivation/conviction/inspiration to live.
Guess not.

So i dont fantasize about dying anymore...i just daydream about getting cancer and refusing the treatment cause, that wouldn't look to suspect....i think.

Which brings me to now, doing the thing that i always do when im desperate beyond all measure.
 praying, except...in letter form cause..i cant concentrate long enough to actually pray.

Please help me,
please give me the feelings and thoughts i need, so i can not feel this less hellish, but yet shitty, way.

I'll do watever now, im way less stubborn (i think) and im more open to abstract and silly sounding things...like prayer (as seen now), discipline in my mind/thoughts, ill even do yoga if i thought the spirit world i need to connect with, is there waiting for me.

like...u know those people who have these spiritual experiences..seems like 50% of humans i kno, have a moment, or a dream, or an object move, or a posession of the soul happen and then they feel 'in touch' with u. or your desires for them...or both. That dude that wrote 'conversations with god' - his pencil started moving and writing in his hand, without his doing it. Ive day dreamed about that while holding my pencil..

Can i get one of those?

Im open
 ill go buddist, christian, muslim...whatever u want...(christian would be convenient due to family members, but i assume pretty complicated and difficult, due to years of my hatred/resentment of the bible and the church)



or even just a halfway message...anything that would inspire a totally new way of looking at why im on earth?

cause i got nada.
and that thought still feels like a kick in the mouth.

Asking for this now, just like i did a hundred times before when i was young - its beyond hard
it takes me throwing away my pride, and logical sense, to be here again, asking again, for some meaning. for a reason, again.

So many people seem to be able to tap into a 'place' that they attribute to deep down inside themselves and dont have a name for it (re the eat love pray lady)
that would work i think..a still calm voice, a presence of love.
wow...i could write a WHOLE other letter on how id like that presence of love too.
but i think im learning how to find love - i mean im trying to get that from people now, ie trying to stay in relationships with people who love me. and all my efforts in not hating myself are also, efforts in loving myself. At times i do 'not hate myself' now. so theres progress.

point is
please,
give me that experience or that inspiration.

im more ready
im more mature
im the most deserving me ive ever been!  ive fought so so  hard to get to this point.
Im honest now
Im working to show/have  respect for everyone
I've forgiven them all..i know that no one intentionally tried to hurt me.

please give me that thing, whatever thing that u know i need or could really use in this fight, against having no desire to live.

Thanks in advance (i hope)

who am i?

And i really dont mean that in the 'undiscovered/yet to get out there and spread my wings/tortured passionate youthfull way.

I mean it in the - when im not depressed, i dont fully recognize myself way.

Smoking piff does not help this perdicament tho..it reeeeaaaally doesn't.

I've kinda isolated that my real real troubled places in my 'identifying with self' areas are exsasperated by a) my mom and b) a dude i like (no one in particular, just anyone ive ever loved hard) c) singing.

Do i hate my voice entirely, or do i like/love it? (singing)
Do i hate my face entirely, or is it not that bad? (and not just in perfectly angled pics, where ive spent hours on hair and makeup)
Do i want to spend time with a dude i might be actually feeling, or am i FAR more comfortable having a f*ck buddy?
Will i perform well tomoro, or will i be plauged with all the thoughts that are so loud, they leave me clueless as to what information is authentic, what info is inaccurate... what if I have no way of telling whether im good or not?
Is it ok when me and mom feel like friends, or is it a dumb pretend trick im taking part in?

i feel like smeegal


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLvIFRNbqOs

If I was on a rollarcoaster, if be puking now.

I had a session with the psycho therapist that hit some deep nerves/points I hadn't considered. I had gone to the gym that day so I was feeling damn near good when i got there.
We spoke about the new battle I have raging inside of me that is one part trying to do everything I can to change, and the other part that knows that nothing I will/can do will make any difference.
He said I do have hope, I just don't know how  to feel it. 
So im not comfortable with hope, and not experienced in feeling it.
That hit me hard, cause it feels very true. He also said
my overly cynical and pessimistic voice is no longer my authentic me. Which also feels true cause lately that voice sounds like it's trying to convince me, instead of just speaking.

So yesterday I'm feeling pretty decent and run a ton of errands, do a rehearsal and go to a walkin clinic to get a prescription for cymbalta - this new antidepressant I'm on. I went to a clinic cause I noticed my phyciatrist put only one of the drugs I'm on, on the prescription he wrote me a few weeks ago. When I told the doc my psych missed writing the prescription for the cymbalta, I showed him the prescript I did have ( for prestiq) and explained I needed 120mg of cymbalta as well. The doc looked at me like I was full of shit, and said I shouldn't be on both drugs, cause  both are too high of doses. I told him I am phasing off the prestiq soon and explained how / when I started them etc
He drilled me, he wasn't gona give the presciptipm and he didn't seem to believe my psyciatrist would put me on these doses. I told him I kno it's high and unusual, and that it's the first time anything has worked for me.
He reluctently wrote me one months worth and told me I'd need to get anymore prescriptions from my psyciatrist.
I pick up the $200.00 prescrip which thank god is covered under my trillium drug plan, but I can't pick up the prestiq cause it's not covered (WTF!) and is also 200$
I figure I'll phase myself off of prestiq now, to avoid paying the 200.
I go to a restaurant, and leave the bag I had the prescription in.
Lose my mind, wana die, Get a fever and piss off some friends i was soppused to meet.
2 days later my friend gives me the bag, cause i didn't leave it at the restaurant i left it at her house.

Whatever this story is gay too (see 2nd para for the gay rant)

Im in new york now...i started this entry like a week ago and am now adding to it.

I feel oddly more lonely than usual. I think that i've been doing this whole 'authentically connecting' with people since this whole coming out and trying to get better (beginning of this blog) and it feels like a momentum that if i stop, it will reverse. (momentum of authentic connections)

Im talking to this dude out here in newyork and he's young and not really my type. For the first time ever, im continuing to talk to someone cause,...im fucking lonely. how gay (top)

also, i just read a bit of kurt cobains diary and holy crap..it made me zone into disattachment.
first of all, get out of my head.
secondly and differently, he needs to relax on thinking about society and people and probably move to an ashram in india. (same could be said about me i guess...but not so extreme)
3rd, thank GOD i never had the desire to try drugs. I think theres bigger chances i would be a junkie, then a occasional user.
4th - there is way too many of us, depressed, isolated (mentally and from 'peers') creative people on earth, but our brains are to garbled up to know how/when to communicate what we see and what we need, in order to really find each other.
I know i spend most of my time holding back my thoughts - they confuse the faak outa me too.

one last thing.
I do feel shifts.
maybe its just the meds, maybe its an illusion.
but i have shifts happening, and i find them to be encouraging.
Im gona cling to them cause, really, i might as well.

shifts are as follows
- i dont feel as ugly as i usually do, all the time anymore
- If i have hope, but i dont know how to feel it that - cool. Ill stop trying to feel it and just get down with the fact that its in there somewhere. thats comforting somehow.
-Less pressure to figure out future. really able to say a big 'fuck u' to pressure lately. seriously, ive been worrying about future my whole life and somehow ive managed to actually shift into a focus in on my self and getting better more than ever before. Not to say i still dont feel overwhelmed by the thought, but not as much and not as often.

I think some of these shifts are coming from the fact that i know my stepsister and step dad understand and support me %100. Still quite weird, and insanely powerful for me when i acknowledge it.

week of exceptional loss

Ok, i wrote 3 entries over the last month or so, and lost them along with my ipod this week.
In true depressant form, i lost my shit mentally and wanted to die.
Seriously tho, i get more joy, comfort,convenience and necessary musical love/badly needed stimulus/and even more badly need resources out of that ipod touch, than i do any human or other thing in my life.

So i think i wrote  one depressing entry, one nervously hopeful one, and one super detailed and impressive letter to my 'father'. That letter was some serious progress for me. i can't believe i lost it.
 Im soooo the 'nervously hopeful' girl these days. Its so faaking gay.
and by gay i mean, its soft and embarrassing.
and by soft and embarrassing, i mean  ignorant and inconsiderate.
and by ignorant and inconsiderate, i mean i might actually be gay..ok?

I did a bunch of shows in the last 6 weeks and this is what i have to say about that:
- Booking agents, promotors, sound men and venues, can all go eat dicks. (except the soundman at lula lounge..he can eat the organic gluten free cupcakes he recommended to me cause HE actually deserves them)
- The dude who wants to manage me, means very well, but its not gona work out.
- Losing my ipod at the first show was an unfair and horribly cruel sacrifice
- Lady Daisey and Batsauce are the cutest, happiest, joy juice spreading, little artists i ever did meet.
- I no longer suck, or am brutally and visibly uncomfortable while singing for strangers.
- Doing the stuff you suck at, in an attempt to unsuck at it, does work.
- I never want to be a touring artist unless or untill i am rich, or have a great team of amazing people working with me / on my behalf.

 i dont believe rich or amazing team, is possible for me
Actually i dont think its probable.
which is a step up from possible, really.

Moving along,
I started psycho-therapy with a dude who specializes in depression. here is his site http://www.drstevens.ca/
i CANNOT believe it is $200 an hour. There is no coverage for these kinda services unless u have a GREAT health plan thru ur job. (i never had this, even when employed)
I dont so much think 'i deserve this, the government should cover it'.
Hopefully once i get over the price, i will be able to concentrate on trying to do the homework he gives me.

So far i have to
-make a list of my personal beliefs, and personal values.
-make point form notes of evidence to support and not support each one. Holy hell was that ever overwhelming, impossible and infuriating to me..i gave up pretty quick
- discern how each personal belief is serving me, as well as hurting me.
- consider new beliefs and values i could have, that would serve me in the ways my already established ones are, so that i can more easily conceive nexxing/offing one of the personal beliefs/values that is hurting me.

example:
Personal Belief - I hate mysef
Supporting evidence - I fuck up all over the place, i suck.
Non supporting evidence - Maybe ur just human, thats what humans do. (logical...yet..who cares, when u suck that bad.)
Way it hurts me - I resent and hold things against myself, i mistreat myself cause it satisfys the hate.
Way it serves me - I push myself really hard to achieve and do better, so that i can disprove/avoid the hate. (aka motivation)
Need: A new belief to serve as motivation.

This is where dreams, hopes, inspiration and passion are supposed to step in and scream 'we are motivating forces, choose us!"

That is where my depression steps in and says ' dreams and hopes are gay, and u barely if ever, experience inspiration and passion.

This is where i step in and say, its 2am and i have to be up by 8am.

u kno what

depression blows, thats what.

I just feel so finished today.
Its been a few days of this.
Im fucking up all over the place, and alot of it is gona effect how the next few months go.
Knowing that the next few months are gona suck way more then they should, because im here fucking up, is what i cant take anymore.

If Depression is my innate human/ my brains response to not having the strength to endure mentally & emotionally this life, than clearly staying depressed would be the only real option i have, since life is still, what its always been.
and i fully know it is what u fight for it to be...but i dont have a handle on a reason to fight for. Like i cant keep my grip on any of those reasons. I might have them for a day or two, but they always become as irrelevant and ridiculous as ever, quickly.

The well of disappointment and self hate i have is far too deep, for me to be thinking i can change it.
It's like...those 1000lbs people who lose 800 pounds and live to talk about it/not gain it back.
They are rare, and they are stronger than me.
And/or they might've had a team of experts helping them thru all the mental/physical challenges.

Inspiration

Everything's changin around me and I wanna change too
It's one thing I know, it ain't cool bein no fool
I feel different today, I don't know what else to say
But Ima get my shit together, it's now or never


Uh, I'm sick, sick of waitin in vain, tired of playin the game
Thinkin of makin a change, finally breakin the chains
Every phase, every happenin, craze
When it's said and done, my head is right back in the haze
I'm ready for the next chapter and page to start actin my age
And part ways with Black Thought from back in the days
I'm stargazin from the back of the stage
Questionin if who y'all praise, is worthy of praise
What's the phrase "bygones is bygones?"
Niggaz who used to be the underdog is icons
People say the light shines once in a lifetime
Is this meant like kind or crisis a little bit like mine?
I'm thinkin not now but right now
I need some kind of sign that the future is bright now
I fuck around, "Do The Right Thing" like Spike now
The quick and the dead, which one is my lookalike now, I'm movin ahead


Yo, opportunities lost because I blew 'em
On the sunniest days of my life, I cried through 'em
Moms is out the picture and Pops I barely knew him
And I would pray to God but I'm tired of lyin to Him
Tired of tryin to run from the things inside of us
Got a lot of fam and a lot of admirers
Who tell me that I should aspire to
change but when I think of changin, it's like why even try this shit?
My mind hazy and my thoughts they get distorted
I know my good and bad deeds both get recorded
You do right so your soul can last
But my role was cast before I even auditioned for it
So I don't really see an end to my vice
It's just false reformation, no end to my strife
Feel the evil overpowerin
You can go 'head, throw the towel in, 'cause nigga that's the end of the fight
When you can only see the tunnel at the end of the lights
Like South party over, it's the end of your life and I'm out


When I look into the mirror and see my own image
It feel like there's something else far off in the distance
Something I wanna see but something that's resistant
And everyday the heart it in is growin more persistent
I never noticed it before but now I can't miss it
And the constant pounding's drivin me ballistic
I ran from it few years but it's still next to me
And it's growin stronger, takin, leavin less of me
I can't fight it now, I know it's just destiny
And I just wonder what's gonna happen when it catches me
Will it leave me face down, in a chest of pain
Or will it just start bringin out the best of me?
But is the best of me really just the worst of me
And if so, yesterday could be my anniversary
In sinners' court, it's important to have church with me
I'm tryin to get rid of these ghosts that's cursin me
I feel a change is an absolute certainty
'Cause what's goin on is a state of emergency (state of emergency)


Everything's changin around me and I wanna change too
It's one thing I know, it ain't cool bein no fool
I feel different today, I don't know what else to say
But I'm a get my shit together, it's now or never
It's now or never

wacktasticism revisited.

K, I really getting into understanding my depression in MUCH more serious and detailed way then ever before.

Mainly due to finding this dude, http://www.undoingdepression.com/
through finding his AMAZING book ;
 Undoing depression What therapy Doesn't Teach You, and Medication Cant Give You  
http://www.amazon.ca/Undoing-Depression-Richard-Oconnor/dp/0425166791

A good book review on the book:
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?id=11&type=book&cn=5

Im mostly encouraged, and am already experiencing some relief that is coming from understanding this ish better, but I'm also slightly mortified at just how sick i am.. like Im totally floored by just how much and how long I have suffered depression.

 I understand now that I have been suffering depression for like 20 years plus (not continuously for the whole 20 years, but certainly a majority of that time) and that my cycles into depression were taking deeper and deeper root, each time they happened

The most profound thing I'm learning is just how much my self hate, is a by product of my depression (so possibly), not so much a true hate I have developed due to being a despicable person.
 I seem to be able to forgive other people their wrongs, but never myself...So I've had the feeling their was something more to this hate I have for myself, beyond the things Im holding against myself.

I called the Camh in the city I'm living in ( Center for Addiction and Mental Health ) and found out they do have services, group therapis etc for depressoin, but that the waiting list is 9months.
I was kinda devastated...which is kinda stupid cause I already know how these things go.
(So by going thru Camh i would be able to have these services for little or no cost (covered by OHIP) cause I can't afford private sessions)

Other most profound thing I'm learning is my cycles, like what experiences trigger me to;
get hopeless,
leading me feel like doing and being nothing,
leading me to want to die,
 leading me to hating myself,
leading me to think i really should die if i hate myself and life this much.

That  9 month waiting list news definitely started a cycle, and since I was actually aware that it started a cycle I did my best to 'observe and not judge' the cycle. that mindful stuff...like thinking ' ok, I'm a depressant, I'm allowed to feel blue from this bad news, and Im aware that its a cycle that can/will end'
It helped. The awareness is definitely a step up from being a total victim to the cycle.

Today I woke up  heavy and unable, moped around and went back to bed at noon and slept for another 5 hours. For the most part I was able to not judge myself / talk shit to myself about how unproductive i was being. Miraculously, I'm feeling better right now cause  I did get somewhat productive and do a few small things (took a bike ride, wash some dishes, made 2 phone calls - phone calls are a big feat for me..) The fact that I didn't get down on myself for wasting most of my day, thereby crippling myself into wasting the rest of my night, is a small miracle.
3 months ago if the morning sucked, the night sucked too for sure.

I'm thankful I have the abilities to grasp these concepts the book is teaching m right now, cause i know that not that long ago, none of this would have sunk in for me. Not that long ago I would not have had the energy or clarity to read this book.

Part of me is sad its taken so long for me to find this Author - Richard O'Connor and this Book.
I haven't had one tenth of the confirmation/helpful information from this book from any doctor or therapist (and dammit...why the hell do NO doctors point you in the right direction) but I'm just glad Im here, now.

Its been 3 months since I left my job without notice, left my apartment and my grandma who I beyond love and need, and moved 5 hours away to pursue some kind of help.
This week I am  totally sure I made the right choice.

Week Im really not sure, I don't know why i bothered trying to count in the first place.

Yesterday was wack, I longed to be the person who didn't have any meaningful relationships, so that I could off myself, and not feel guilty about all these 'people's in my life' feelings.

Today feels good tho. I'm inspired to eat well, (After binging on crap and giving myself a 48 hour belly ache 2 days ago ) work out, record and am planning a music video I hope to shoot in a few months. Today it feels like I'm allowed to just enjoy thinking about these 4 things and not have to worry about the pending doom that is my future and my dark.

Reading 'women, food and god' and am once again being shown / encouraged to 'sit with my feelings' to... Feel them thru to the totality of them... To not panick when the dark comes but to accept it and 'mindfully' observe the thoughts and feelings instead of freaking out and believing in them ( thinking they are ' truth') Similar stuff/ approach as explained in the ' mindfull approach to depression' book.
The concept sounds... Relieving to me.
Allowing myself to feel non judgemental and somewhat accepting of my darkness would be a much better alternative than hating myself for my feelings and my exsistence .
It also seems pretty impossible... Like I really doubt my ability to have a ' mindfull neutral' dialouge with myself, while I'm in the middle of a dark attack..
In the book she talks about having a therpist walk you thru it initially, so  going to see about having my therapist do that for me if possible..

I have also come across this book and after readying the first chapter I am Super excited about its existence
'Undoing Depression: What therapy doesn't teach you and Medication can't give you ' by  Richard O'Connor.
After reading the first chapter I was damn near feeling joyful for like a good 4 hours, off the strength of the encouragement I got. It was such a total and complete confirmation of my feelings/suspicions about depression - in how its understood in the medical world and therefore how its treated.
Hard to explain...read the first chapter to know what I really mean.

Im back in the Bury of Sud, and focusing on finding a psychiatrist/psychotherapist who has substantial experience with Depression and can hopefully guide me through some effective...process's...or whatever the effective stuff I can be shown.

Numb

What I feel today is extreme dis attachment. It comes along every so often. I don't give flying fuck. about. anything.

I couldn't possibly deal with anything difficult or complicated today. Cause I would just walk away.  Which includes and is not inclusive to: more than a 4 min convo, more than a 5 min activity, more than writing a few paragraphs on here.

I know today is one of those days I'm going to struggle to get myself ready, when I do have to put myself together to go meet my brother in about an hour. Its a day where faking it will be extra exhausting. It might be somewhat of a relief to start faking it tho, cause being stuck in my mind blows right now.

Today is one of those days I want to die, not because Im overwhelmed with sadness and grief, but because I'm underwhelmed with having a clue on caring about anything.

I'm attempting to accept this reality today, and believe that there's a good chance I will wake up feeling different tomorrow.

Week Ive lost count, approx 7 tho.

One of things i planned to and said i would do, during this sabbatical I'm on, is to work specifically on fostering self love.

My depression/who I am is deeply marked and anchored in a well of self hate/loathing. I totally feel like i have very sound and irrefutable reasons/evidence to support my hatred, and since I'm sure that I am pretty smart, and the only living expert on myself, I have a hard time disproving or ignoring the evidence that feels like it stares me in the face.

 My initial dealings with therapists and docs was really motivated by the fact that I started suffering Body Dis morphia Disorder - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder which for me was characterized by my obsession of how ugly and distorted I look, an obsession/anxiety filled non stop mission of attempting to change the way I look constantly, and eventually panic/fear and violent feelings when I looked in the mirror (so for a while, I wasn't able to look in mirrors)
Since going on meds and seeking help (approx 6 years ago now) I've been able to mostly keep the BDD at bay (which I LARGELY attributed to working out) and avoid being filled with my feelings of self hate by a) changing certain behaviour patterns and b) largely ignoring/suppressing the feelings.

I have found that the hate itself, hasn't changed or lessened. If anything it seems to have gotten worse when it does hit (or at least more complicated) cause in the past few years I have spent a considerable amount of time frustrated at the fact that I don't like me,  and cant seem to cause change in this self hate I carry. And then in turn, I add that frustration to the pile of all the other crap I hold against myself.

Unbelievable cycle eh...its  like my inefficient emotional world will find ANY and EVERY way it can, to turn new info against my self.

So all of this to say.. that while I believe Ive done some good work (as my therapist would say) in  better understanding my depression, and attempting to change/alleviate the impact my depression makes in my life, The one area I'm sure I have not put a dent in (and cant seem to figure out how to get a clue on how to put a dent in) is my Self Hate.

Since I took this time away I've been experiencing a fair amount of relief from my anxiety, and have even had some feelings of hope (big  for me) thru being supported, but also...I'm feeling well connected to lots of self hatred (generally in the form an inner dialogue of thoughts, that carry on). I've been finding this supppppper discouraging...and crippling. But before I left on this leave, my medications were changed a bit, so I also started to wonder if I that had anything to do with it. I just saw a psychiatrist who has helped me out in that area, so I've started a more serious dose and am really hopeful that it will assist me.

One of the activities I planned to do during this time, was to attempt to write myself letters where I speak to myself through out my ages (like maybe one letter for 5 year old me, one letter for 10 year old me, etc etc) in the type of manner I would speak to young girl.. like I could meet her and care for her.  I can be hugely encouraging and loving towards others, just never myself , so the key was to write to her as if i could go back in time and talk to that little me, just like i would if i was able to meet her today.

I haven't done this. I haven't done a few things I said I would do during this time, but I believe that my being sucked into the world where I've been hating myself almost everyday consistently, is the main thing that's made this type of activity seem unbearable and impossible.
...and gay...like i just think its retarded and embarrassing and oh so emo of me to be writing myself a letter....thing about that is - the bulk of  the 'what's and how's' im going to need to do, to overcome depression is/has been  embarrassing, emo and girly ish so....you know.. I get that I need to continue to  let that go and stop thinking like a dude....im trying. Therapy was the big first step in 'doing a silly/girly thing', where I couldn't see that it would help anything.... but actually has.

Sooooooo, in order to foster some kind of feeling of connection, and to give me a visual of the girl that i am writing too, ive decided to use a picture, and write to the picture...

Here goes:

Dear littlest cutie pie Messi Jessi sitting on your mama's lap,

You are so cute it hurts. I'd love to pick u up, spin you around, and squeeze you. I'd notice how shy you are, and find it endearing. I'd notice how nervous you were of men, and want to make you feel protected and safe from them all. I wana make you smile cause your little worried face looks like a smile would relieve it. When I notice how smart and sweet you are, i would tell you so, and make sure you knew that i noticed it, and that you knew it is  impressive to me. Your mommy means everything to you, but your just as important as her and I want you to remember that. I also want you to know that your mom doesn't love you any less, even when she is so sad. And when you get older, and she doesn't notice you needing to be understood and comforted or isn't able to comfort/understand you in a meaningful way, that it doesn't mean she doesn't love you completely.

I love you in this pic, I hope to learn to love you now,
Yourself.

Week 2.5

OK, so i took that walk to Chapters and picked up the book "Women, Food & God" that I had just read about in Oprah's last magazine. The first chapter started with the writer holding a retreat for women, where she has them wait with their plates of food, a short while before they eat, and also speak about what the are feeling during this wait.
She highlighted how much the participants were trying to avoid what they were feeling, (often avoiding it by using food) and spoke about this avoidance brings on a greater more panicky pain, than they feelings/pain they were trying to avoid in the first place.
This is also something I read about and seems to be very incorporated in the "mindful way through depression" book/course i am doing, and just mindfulness overall..."the compassionate approach" as they say. Being mindful of the emotions you have, trying not to judge or feel about them, simply to 'observe' them.
Kinda like being an objective scientist with your own inner world. I did this, cause objective observation is right up my alley..just that its super difficult to do with your own feelings. Difficult cause i suppose we are never taught or shown how to do this.

I realized how much i was fighting and resisting the depression because really,  I did not come all this way and take this 'sabbatical' to be depressed when i got here. At least, that's what I ideally didn't want.
But basically this author in the first chapter of the chicks food and jebus book, spoke directly on not resisting what you feel. Something i do, with depression explicitly...basically because it blows, and also because i always figure that embracing it would cause me to stay in it, and bond with a depressed mind state.

So, the fresh air, the brisk walk and the book, which i bought for $30 -holy hell (i love books, but i almost never buy them full price) was a good start.
\
Monday i worked out and started my "Mindful way through depression" book, which first chapter was all about a completely different approach to depression, starting with and defined by mainly, not resisting the feelings. It also helped me to sort of define my depression, not within the medical terms (acute, chronic etc etc) but in its seriousness and depth. 

STRONGLY recommend reading this first chapter, if you or anyone you know suffers with depression. Or anxiety/stress/unhappiness in any 'i cant control this as i ideally would like to' capacity.


They said how most people experience their first case of depression in their early adult or late teens, and how much more likely it is to re-occur once its experienced once.
Since I can remember my first few years of depression being around age 10, and then on and off till i was maybe 16, and then just took over by 18 years old, i probably have a uber persistent type of depression... or at least its just unfortunate it started so young, cause now its so damn...persistent.

They also said that the 'more often we've been depressed in the past, the more sad mood will also bring with it feelings of low self esteem and self blame'.
That's profound for me.
I thought i just genuinely hated myself, and that my depression surfaced these feelings. I also thought it more to do with some abuse and bullying i endured as a kid...maybe not so much.

They claim 'they have discovered that the combination of western cognitive science, and eastern practices was just what is needed to break the cycle of recurrent depression'.
I can see many ways and aspects of this philosophy that i completely intellectually respect. (in terms of some of my previous research on eastern philosophy, and benefits of meditation)

Good thing, cause i tend not to do anything i cant fully and completely understand and actually believe in. Which sincerely has left me as a 'non particpating' human being at times..aka religions, committed relationships..sometimes even friendships...

Tuesday and Wednesday i barely worked out, and felt quite horrible.
Thursday i did, and i feel just dandy.
Moral of that story is, no more off days. Maybe one off day, but even then, a good long walk.
This is the commitment I'm making to myself for the next week.

If I do have a specific type of depression, its one that is blocked and reversed by intense working out, at least temporarily.
Not saying that i always work out intensely, but its so apparent how  I am lifted, when its intense.
High impact interval training specifically.
It makes me think that maybe i should seek out a career that involves working out everyday.

Week 2

Im my effort to document this trippy trip im on, im making myself do this entry despite my thoughts of how rediculous it is for me to be spouting this purely hopeless, hard to follow and or give a shit about, depressing BS of mine.

I feel like ass.

I had hopes of writing some songs, and even have some incredible production given to me to write to, by serious and talented industry connects who actually believed me when i told them i was a song writer..then again i was a song writer when i told them i was cause in that moment that i said it, i believed it.
Now i do not. and have come up with some really stupid half ass melodys to maybe 3 bars of 2 tracks.

I was hoping to eat right and feel better. I havent and im not.

I worked out yesterday and had my first decent day of feeling ok.
I havnet worked out today and feel quite like getting hit by a car when i go for a walk in a few mintues would be just perfect....a fatal hit. please.

I just spoke to my step dad who is being an incredible support and pretty much the active and helpful parent that ive never had, throughout this process, and he suggested i go for a walk. good call, brisk walk and ipod with Nina simones After hours compilation is pretty the only thing i am capable of, that is slightly more constructive that sedating myself with tv and food and herb.


I came all this way and freed myself from my life and obligations and.....nothing.
nothing different in my brain, still a hostage.


for now.

Week 1

im here
ive "started"
I havent done much yet, im about 3 days into being in this small northern ont city, staying with my step sister, and in an effort to not beat myself up, i will try not to mention how little ive done, and how much ive slept.

I wish i could get connected to life already.

I strangly am thinking about what a nice distraction a baby might be....rediculous. Must be my brain coming up with the dumbest ideas ever to create a diversion from the task at hand.

If i had had that baby, it would be 3 years old now. holy shit.

So yea, im giving myself one week max, of continuing to not do all the things im soppused to be doing, and then i will pursue with the self verbal abuse untill I get my ass in gear.
(I have worked out, just haven't started the reading/meditating.)

What if nothing i do makes any difference?
What if what i need has nothing to do with my cognitive efforts? (meaning what if what i  need is some immaculate love, or jesus/buddah/yusee induced emancipation)
What if my pursuit to be non depressed and somewhat successful boardering on amazing is  misinformed and impossibility, whereby accepting my mediocre status and depressed state is the key?

what if i give all of my what if's way to much credibility?

I think i need to go all out and create one of those big ass vision boards i have always made fun of in my mind.

ok, that is what i will make this weeks task into.
yeehaw.

Project - ' I dont know what the hell im doing' officially underway.

At least when I wake up as the person who cant connect, cant concentrate on ANYTHING for longer than approx 17 seconds, and doesn't feel involved what so ever, then....this whole "I left my job and am moving away to try to get better and hopefully make good music ' all feels like project " what the fak am I doing"



I should mention my meds were changed approx 4 weeks ago, so maybe the shittyness of it all is kicking in right aboouuuuutttttt....today.
Here's the things that I think while I observe how retarded i am today;

- Maybe its cause I have no schedule right now, I've never had no schedule like...ever ever. Im 27 and I've worked at least a full time job with also at least 1 part time side job or school since I was 17. So maybe Im bugging out with the lack of structure.

- Maybe its all just my obsession of analyzing myself, Im having a blah day - not a big deal or exotic concept - but my incessant need to think and rethink why and just how shitty it is, it what is making the issue out of nothing.

- Maybe its the meds and I need to get back on whatever the hell I was on b4, pronto.

- Maybe its not the meds at all, but if I go back to what I was on, I will in fact revert to feeling more like a connected person, for the simple fact that I believe it is the drugs and I will manifest that belief into being when/if i do switch back.

follow that last one? (who am i talking to...really)


I will say this, having the surety of knowing who you are, and will be tomorrow, is the thing, and from what I can see a huge building block necessary towards achieving 'success', that I def don’t have the luxury of having.

I get that people question any and everything about themselves , and I get that people have periods of time where they don’t know who they are, but what I have is diff.... I think.

therefore it is (ha ha)
k no really.

What i have sometimes, and definitely today, is the overwhelming lack of self.

today - I'll act like the chick that I know I am when I know I am, for the simple fact that I dont want to shock anyone, and I have no reason to pretend to be anyone else (that got old..years ago...)

There are 2 things and 2 things only that will make me feel like Im here inside of this gross body today
- music
- sex

Music like if I could sing and really get inside of the music. Which I couldn't, I tried..but didnt try to hard or long

And Sex...Im working on that one still..I had to make a call.. here’s hoping.

Anyways its just that I know that this lack of connection to my character, will really f*ck up my progress, if it stays around. and thats depressing.

Then again maybe I need way longer a few months of self work, before I should be planning to step back into society and more importantly, the desire to achieve things. (music)
The pressure is building and I need it to stop, because it can become the thing that breaks me.
of course, Im the one building the pressure in my mind so....u kno...wacktastic.

Its just that within these past 3 months, since deciding to up and leave my life and make getting better my main focus, I have felt the best Ive ever felt before. The most sure of myself.

I guess making the decision gave me a boast of confidence and its impacted my depression/darkness/character.

So yea...follow thru I will (yoda voice)
I really will tho, this is my one shot. I do get that.

Happyness

I have felt pretty decent for about 7 days. Today I am fully feeling Happy (better than good)
Thoroughly happy, not a front, or a forced smile that I know I will wear only until the minute I am alone.

This is pretty new, like very very new.
Quite a lot has been going on..

Shortly after I started this blog my therapist asked me if their was anywhere I could go, (if I was able to take time to actually go somewhere) to do the work that we have been discussing could/would greatly effect change in my depression.


She asked this because for about a year and half now I have been thinking - ‘if I could just get a few months off of work… or have a 6months+ where I only have to work part time.. or if I could get that $10,000 recording grant, and all though I would definitely record an album, id secretly use half of my time to do my anti-depression work.’

But no grant was granted, no part time job that would pay me enough to live off of exists for me, and I couldnt get time off of work.

Except that my doctor did write me a medical leave note to take a month off last summer following a bad suicidal episode I had.....
But I didn’t take the time off.
I felt that whatever I accomplished in one month, would be undone when I go back to my fulltime job and insane routine, which wouldn't leave me time to continue the work on myself.

Even more of a problem, my fulltime job would be nightmare for me to go back too, since a large amount of the work from my absence, would be waiting for me, anxiously, upon my return.
(there is no one in my office, who would be able to fill in for me completely, so about %50 of my load would be left undone)

I did show the note to my boss (who advised I could not take the leave at that time) and asked her to let me leave on fridays @ 2pm for the next 10 weeks to attend a Mindfullness meditation group for depression sufferers, led by a phyciatrist in a hospital.

2 weeks into it i wasnt able to make a session because my job needed me to stay, when it happend again the next week the doctor said i should re-enroll once i can do the full 10 weeks.

I was a little dissapointed but i committed myself to continuing the work.

That commitment lasted about 2 days...

So now, one serious and much worse breakdown later, my therapist again asked me again about taking the leave.

I realized I may have the perfect place to go to, in a small city about 9 hours north of me, where my sister and step mom live. Its not just that they are family, its that they are easily and by far the best suited people i possibly be around, to support me in doing the work i need and want to do. (im going to explain/ break down " the work" soon)

They are super nonjudgmental, super kind, generous and supportive. I haven't spent my time with either of them in years... and, like alot of good things in my life, i forget entirely about their exsistence unless reminded.

So its been about 6 weeks now of back and forth conversations with myself about if/how and when I will leave my job, pack up my crap and put it into storage, and go stay with my sister for an indefinate amount of time, to start my work.
I gave my notice to my landlord, and am planning to ask my doctor for another medical leave note. (which i will actually take, regardless of if my boss doesn't agree)

In approx 6 weeks, I'll be putting my life on hold (not that I'm that invested in it) and making the decision to face each day with my betterment, as my focus.

To sum up how I feel about doing this, how I feel about facing my job and telling them I am leaving, would be a whole other, super long and ranty post. One im sure I will do over the course of the next few months.

A quick overview of the "work" ill be doing
- A whole lot of working out. Starting my each day working out.
As I write this i instantly feel like a shithead. it sounds pretty "non medical, and self indulgent" to me, since lots of people would love to quit their jobs and workout more.
I don't know how to defend this other than to say, working out is the only exsisting activity I have found with an instant "depression reversal" property.. Being that I really dislike my body, have a hard time getting/staying motivated (motivated aka finding the time, since I could find the time if I was committed  enough) and I also live with lots of stomach pain - I've never stayed consistent in the gym for more than a couple weeks. Id love to see if working out regularly has an overall effect on lessening my depression - I halfway believe it will.
The more intense the workout, the bigger the "high". I very literally feel a high after a serious workout- I actually feel self love and what I think might be hope.

- Mindfullness meditation, working with and using the book and audio cd guided meditations on  " A mindfull way through depression"
http://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Way-through-Depression-Unhappiness/dp/1593851286

So this was the material used in that group therapy I was in for a few weeks, that I never finished.
I believe a large part of why I suffer with depression is because the conversations/focus's that are constantly in my mind, are pretty negative (with a special focus on the hopelessness of humanity, and the disgustingness of myself) and are kinda out of control.
Meaning, I've identified how harmful my thought process's are, but seem to have little to no effect on changing them based on my own will to do so.
Meditation is said to be a very helpful tool in cleaning your brain of its rediculous patterns of unhelpful thoughts.
Theres tons of info and research to be found on this, once I researched alot about it, I started to really respect the concept and the science and history behind/supporting it.
Big up to my therapist for introducing it to me, and not giving up on recommending it to me even though I ignored her recommendation for like..2 years.
Here's hoping I can get thru more than 2 weeks of the daily practice! (since this is my all time high)
Also, ill be looking for meditation/buddist communties in the town im going to, since I realize that working in a group is more likely to help me remain committed.
...but oh, how I greatly resist all things "group".....which is another characteristic of mine that I believe has greatly contributed to my depression...

- A journey in self love
This is easily going to be the hardest part, and the one I will resist the most.
Only when I dug down in therapy to discover my motivating factors, and deeply buried feelings,  have I discovered that, I sincerely dont love myself, or feel love for myself.
 I can't access anylove, passion, affection, or kindness towards myself. What I feel right now, is tripped out  trying to feel feelings, for myself. While in a depression, I experience pretty extreme hatred for me, and my life.
I have a few ideas as to how to "create some self love", and im also going to seek out the advise of a life coach/therapist I met while speaking ( haha! the irony...) at a self esteem seminar for teenage girls last year. I want to see if there is any good book material that I can use - most of what i find is waaaaaay to corny for me to take serious. (like i cant do the "i love myself , i am wonderful" mantras in the mirror type stuff. I can't do it)
My ideas are
- Writing myself a series of letters. To different ages of myself (my 5 year old self, my 10 year old self, etc etc) Writing about the things I would want to tell myself I am proud of, or tell myself how I would love myself if I could be there for myself at such and such a time. Also maybe some future self letters. Its a weird thought - i have a hard time picturing  a future self
-Making a scrap picture book of myself growing up. This is because the one of the only times I feel love for me, is when I look at pics of little me

Id like to see a naturalpathic doctor if I can afford it, to look into their recommendations for natural suppliments to combat depression, and also to hear what they may say about my life long stomach pain.
I believe my stomach issues are about %70 my depression/anxiety caused, and about %30 genetic, since both of my parents have weak/sensitive bowels/guts and or ulcers/digestive issues.
I have to watch what I eat much more.
I eat pretty well until I become sad, and then I eat crap to comfort myself and ultimately make myself sick.
 Its a really sad and embarressing cycle that I put myself through.
Working out consistently should help alot since my body/mouth isn't as attracted to crap food when im working out, and im less likely to go through as much sadness/lack of sleep.

This is the general overview so far.

....and this post is going way too long, im going to continue or pick up again later..

Empty

She lifts her skirt up to her knees,


walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing.
I never learned to count my blessings,
I choose instead to dwell in my disasters.

I walk on down the hill,
through grass, grown tall and brown
and still its hard somehow to let go of my pain.

On past the busted back of that old and rusted Cadillac
that sinks into this field, collecting rain.
Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged.


And of these cut-throat busted sunsets,
these cold and damp white mornings
I have grown weary.

If through my cracked and dusted dime-store lips
I spoke these words out loud would no one hear me?

Lay your blouse across the chair,
let fall the flowers from from your hair
and kiss me with that country mouth, so plain.

Outside, the rain is tapping on the leaves,
to me it sounds like they're applauding us the the quiet love we've made.
Will I always feel this way?

So empty, so estranged.

Well I looked my demons in the eyes,
laid bare my chest, said "Do your best, destroy me.
You see, I've been to hell and back so many times,
I must admit you kind of bore me."

There's a lot of things that can kill a man,
there's a lot of ways to die,
listen, some already did that walked beside me.

There's a lot of things I don't understand,
why so many people lie.
Its the hurt I hide that fuels the fire inside me.

Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged.

Some pretty Depressing thoughts from a person who claims to not feel Depressed right now.

Ok,
I know I suffer with Chronic Depression (meaning Im prone to hopeless fits of despair and self loathing) but looonngg before I can remember having those fits, I remember being pretty devastated with the pointlessness of life. I hit me around age 12.

One could argue ( and by one, I mean one part of myself literally does argue) that my disconnection with people, life and joy, is what made me feel that way at such an early age. But I still, about 15 years later, grapple with this emptiness (aka pointlessness, aka randomness, aka not a damn clue what the point of existence is) at least once a day, completely (from what I can see) regardless of how dark or bright I am feeling.
I
ve been travelling visiting family for the last few days, and I have been pretty bright - feeling pretty good. I get to escape my extremely cold basement apartment and aloneness, and be around these fam members who are; Happy, hopeful, kind to me, connected to each other, generous and (my fab part) pretty halirious.
I get to engulf myself in their seemingly non depressed world (you can never be sure, i act pretty not depressed really well, about 98% of the time) and pretend i actually belong in it. The one thing that always and eventually 'comes up' and reminds me that I don’t belong in this happy world, is any mention of future - either theirs or mine. I instantly feel uncomfortable, or sad, or reminded that I have no hope or clue about future. And aware of how not normal it is that everyone else around me is pretty excited/hopeful about future, and I am not and I have to hide It.

Back to my first point tho, like right now, Im not in a cloud of hate with myself at all. I look and feel pretty decent today, and Im under no pressure of having to face or deal with some uncomfortable person or situation. Im not completely broke (reeeallly close, but as long as i have about $40 in the bank I feel like I will make it to next payday) and I dont have to work tomorrow. Im even looking forward to seeing one particular person tomorrow. All of this to say, this is how I feel and yet, here I am contemplating and really quite bothered yet again, by the pointlessness of life. Overwhelmed by it really, just that Im so used to it that its like a heading spinning carousel ride, that I know to close my eyes on.

Like I said when I was around 12 I became pretty obsessed (it felt more like an attack, because i wanted to escape the subject and thoughts) with whether or not: Their was a God(s), what it/they made us/earth for, and if they did or didn't communicate with us (humans), and if they "cared" or had a plan.
I prayed ALOT, Tried to comprehend and intellectually respect the bible (failed miserably every time, still do) and tried to feel some sort of conviction or resonating feeing within myself concerning any religion. (i read a bunch of world religion ish) I found myself a philosophy book in chapters, and started to read one after another thinking ' here, i found the world of people who think like me' meaning, they asked alot of questions's about the state of humanity and were pretty much tortured over the relative-ness and subjective-ness of all info available.
I felt like I had been sucked into a world of jargon (its practically like Shakespear. I used a philosophers dictionary to understand half of the terms) egos, and eventually sadness, just as hopeless as my own world.
Now alot has changed, im not obsessed with finding the truth, and Im pretty resolved with the fact that the creator(s) have decided at this time, not to contact me or fullfill my inner longing for truth and the meaning of life. (and by resovled I mean, I worked realllllyyy hard at not thinking about it, and now I barely do) However, the lack of knowing still translates into frustration when I feel how empty/random and pointless this all is.

If theres no point, and yet all this pain and suffering is simultaneously going on all the time...everrrywhere....ALL THE TIME..That thought alone can throw me into a fit of numbness if I let it.

Fak, I feel like I’ve lost my point.
I think it went like this:

Besides and outside of my depression, there is a different and much realer emptiness waiting for me. Always.
I can beat this depression I think, I can at least get it under control (my goal being one horrible break down a year, max) but I cant beat the state of exsistance lacking a meaning or a knowing of why.
And the implication of that fact, how it makes everything I do pointless is.....discouraging.