depression blows, thats what.
I just feel so finished today.
Its been a few days of this.
Im fucking up all over the place, and alot of it is gona effect how the next few months go.
Knowing that the next few months are gona suck way more then they should, because im here fucking up, is what i cant take anymore.
If Depression is my innate human/ my brains response to not having the strength to endure mentally & emotionally this life, than clearly staying depressed would be the only real option i have, since life is still, what its always been.
and i fully know it is what u fight for it to be...but i dont have a handle on a reason to fight for. Like i cant keep my grip on any of those reasons. I might have them for a day or two, but they always become as irrelevant and ridiculous as ever, quickly.
The well of disappointment and self hate i have is far too deep, for me to be thinking i can change it.
It's like...those 1000lbs people who lose 800 pounds and live to talk about it/not gain it back.
They are rare, and they are stronger than me.
And/or they might've had a team of experts helping them thru all the mental/physical challenges.
This blog is an experiment in sharing what my Depression feels like, possibly helping or encouraging myself and/or others.
My dark
I dont get to start my life.
I cant chase my dreams. I wait. I wait. And wait. And wait. And then here it is, here it starts and ends.
My darkness comes.
Making my skin crawl, and my face distort.
Making my dreams fall, and my safe leave.
Making me hate more than you can ever imagine being able to loath every single thought that comes to my own mind.
Takes my memories and makes them a lie.
Takes my abilities and makes them joke.
Takes my body and makes it a burden and a torture.
Takes my life and makes it impossible.
Speaking is torture. Moving is irratating.
Bathing is out of the question.
Looking in a mirror is an invitation to imagine ripping my face off.
Knowing it is all for sure is the only real thing. period.
This is what my thoughts and feelings look like when my dark comes - my depression.
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