Failure at trial

Im in a medical study that i just got kicked out of, because i dropped one of the antidepressant pill i snuck in.
Amature fucking idiot. Not even an amature actually, just sloppy.
I used to be so driven to avoid sloppy.
Now with all this accepting of my suffering, i have lost my grip on alot of effcientcy.
I should have not brought any and suffered the withdrawls
I only broguth one days supply for a 4 day and 4 night stay.
Not worth the risk at all
Im out 1800$, that i desperately needright now.
I of course feel humilated and angry at self
Although, the staff here has not been unkind or judgmental, surprisingly, and im greatful for that.
Im working hard at working thru not going i to the depths of self hate, because i have at least learnt some skills in this area from my therapy.
For the record, altho this obv isnt a fucking record, i make sure there is no risk factor of interactions with the study drug here at the clinic, and my own meds.
I quite possibly would fuck up there results, but a) i dont care, and i joke that i am bringing more accuracy to their tests.
S far i have talked myself out of the horrific self hate and feel mostly that i ambound to keep making mistakes, as long as i a, desperate for money.
Which leads me to all my thinking of how horribly unhealthy my relationship with money is.
I view it as one of my biggest burdens, and something that i simply will never get a handle on.
The amount of money ive wasted in the last three years is a strong testiment to my complete lack of dicipline or self care when it comes to money.
I do realize tho how horribly i was taught bad habits growing with money just with stuff with dad, momey stress with mom and no encouragement for future. yet in the midst of that, being taught some great ones.
Which enabled me to always pay rent alone since 17, nd never default payments on credit/loans
I am only writing this shit out because i think my therapist would say i should note the positives in my money handling as well.
I feel so stupid making note of the strengths that werent strong enough to keep me out of this desperate time that could be avoided, quite easily.
Im looking for nannying jobs now and have a few prospects.
At the sacrifice of finsihing my ep anytime soon tho.
We'll see.
I keep thinking about everyones confidence in my music, oppused to my disatisfaction/ hatred for it.
Im going to let it go, truly, once i enter school
Not singing because i plan to pursue the jazz cover group, but the pursuing my own solo career part.
Ill never stop writing, i just hope i can let go of how much i suck, and get back to finding my release, once the pressure is off.
If it ever feels off.

I want only to be around people i can be transparent with
Theres a small handful, thank god.(not)
To jai and audras i go, asap, once im out