Ketamine day 5

or i should say, 5th dose.

Im not better. Im still suicidal and overwhelmed everyday.
I also get bits of determinedness to complete only my daily tasks.
I put off a lot
I vacillate between being very skeptically determined, and being very panicked and suicidal.

people asking how i am, is officially the worst part(s) of my day.
Even those that know whats going on.

My wishful answers are:
Im unbearably horrible
I just want to die
Im panicking about being alive

I mostly answer with 'I'm not ok', and hold my breath hoping who ever it is doesn't push for more explanation.

I just dosed myself on 225mg of Ketamine, i should be heading off to tranquillized land soon.

I may or may not be asked to shoot a music video in a few weeks, and the idea is so preposterous, it makes me laugh.
then cry

Always crying, lots and lots and lots of crying.
like tearing up, not all out balling.

I dont barely let myself ball, it feels horrible.

Im preoccupying myself with trying to find an affordable keyboard (musical) for which to replace the one of mine that just broke, telling myself that i need to/should try to play / connect to music.

I have a sick feeling i will get one and it will sit and collect dust just like this one has been for months now.

Life is unbearable for me, and I've never felt more trapped.