i don't know if i should do this in a voice note, because I've never written when I'm in this state, and in this state i don't believe my hands can keep up with what i need to try to say
 I want to die, and its been about 3.5 months since i last 'reached out during suicidalness' thats been lasting for more than a week or so. Im here again and its been a few months now of learning that ritalin does not help my mind slow down, my depression let up or my improve self discipline in working out, meditation and doing all the other stuff I'm supposed to do and take very seriously. It makes me do shit.
i do shit instead of being in 'ignore everything and watch bombs go off' mode, which truly is a gift. cause that mode is a nightmare this is a nightmare too tho.
 i guess its like comparing my nightmares of horrible random ish, to my nightmares about my father. obvious lesser evil is random shit.
nightmares with him intensely make me wana die , all day, the next day.
 i wish i kept a log of my suicidal pattern. 1 - 3 months, 2-4 weeks....i couldn't tell u really. and all the in-between. the anxiety filled days verses the depression filled days.
 different patterns I'm sure. id make a flow graph, i really would.
 and then I'd try to turn it into a piece of art for my wall, cause isn't calculation a nice thing.

 This week is going to need a lot of weed to turn this suicidal place into fun analysis in a super high detached way place.
 If i flop out of school, or have a basketcase in Jamaica and need to be sent home early, i hope i can forgive myself I hope so much neither of those things happen, so i don't have to bare the hatred they would bring I hope i don't regret this show horribly, because if i stay in this state, i will.

 And now I'm arguing with dwayne and i don't wana be with him, i sincerely think I'm using him for the feeling of being loved. i don't believe it will last, or that i won't regret cutting it off now, in future when it burns