Oct 11 approx
I feel absurdly good. Its been going on about 36 hours now and im spooked out but thankful.
Im trying to concentrate on feeling it, and not analyzing/criticizing it. I uped my dose in cymbalta by another 30 grams so now im on 150, which is a high dose but im cool with that (progress!)
the joy juice started at this wedding. I barely knew anyone there and i was kinda bored, a lil frustrated with myself and missing this dude i hung out with recently. not so much missing him cause i dont know him real well, but missing the feeling of being connected to someone.
I dont kno if i made the decision to change my mood ( i doubt it since that has never worked before) or if it was the meds or the universe, but i danced my ass off with all these people i dont know (something i would never do) and felt good. The next day i felt open and connected again and had a great day. There was even some family drama that went down and i managed to not take it in, and let it hurt me for too long. I feel a changed. I wonder how long or often its gona be around for. I met a girl and spoke with her for hours about mental healthier, self development, education of both and her own schizophrenic brother. More and still, i want/need to get involved in speaking about mental health and my journey with depression and seeking out help. This is one of those things i actually do pray about. Ive taken to praying to yusee cause really, he's the only one i know is actually up there.
My grandma is going to die soon, i can feel it. Im doing what i do with painful ish, and am kinda wishing it would happen soon cause i cant handle this anticipation for the grieving to begin.
I hope i don't lose some of my hope in myself when she goes, i know it will test it.
Im really hoping to look for an overseas job, possibly singing or doing some community development type work, cause i feel ready to work now, and take on challenges.
im proud of myself
and it just took me 5 mins, and tears in my eyes to type that.
Im being changed and for now, my resistance is low. When it does flare up and i don't have the know how or energy to fight it, im gona try to acknowledge its presence, note why it exists (that resistance), and then busy myself.
Im also gona sing my ass off this year, cause my experiment in doing shows/touring this summer has definitely concluded that i want to sing every gotdam day.
Nov 11th
Today when i was hugging my mom goodbye she said ' im really glad u have ur aunts, step daddy, sisters and Tara, that are all close to you and supporting you throught this.
And i felt like the unspoken words were:
Im glad u have let people who love you and will help to care for you, back inside your world
i felt the unspoken and prob sub conscience words were:
Even tho we aren't close, i know u have really good people that u are now letting yourself be close to..so i don't worry about not being the one who does this for u, Im just glad its happening.
what if me and my mom just don't have compatible types of love to give each other. like we are both north pole magnets. or maybe im a metal that wont magnetize to her
Nov 23
Im thinking about immersing myself in making things and doing stuff that will make the time i start again in t.o, the best most comfortable it can be.
Even tho the meds are working so that i don't get stuck in the the dark, i do feel super trapped by fear and doubt.
What if i can never love me?
what if i can never love life?
I dont know what type of a future or career to pursue
I dont like being alone now, but close to people still poses all the same problems it used to...which is a whole other 18 page entry.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Dec 3rd
Dear Creator(s)/spirit world/powers that are invisible to me, but are hopefully at work in the world.
I used to be morbidly depressed, i learnt to bury it deep under the surface of the persona i would show the world, because i didn't thin anyone deserved to see my dark, or would understand what they were seeing. Occasionally it reared its head to the surface of me, and i lived in anguish for however long that lasted. Being numb was the key. It was a relief to be numb, for the most part. Except that being numb comes with its own set of problems, and it also feels, at times, like somewhat of an act. The thought of future was horrifying and way to much to bare ( i was sure i would die soon enough- suicide attempt gone right for once?) , so i learnt to not believe in future. In fact it got so where hearing about future sounded funny and gay...like a fairytale with so many holes in the plot.
I've been this medication - 180mg of Cymbalta to be exact, for about 3 months now and its sort of magical, I dont get pulled under by the morbid depression anymore - at least i haven't fully yet. I've been what feels like close a bunch of times, but amazingly i get pulled,snapped or transitioned out of it within 24hours.
Im not in hell on earth, and im thankful and all that except i still dont like being alive, and the future now overwhelms me in a large but different way.
This more bareable, not quite hell on earth im in now, sucks. Not equally but still, it sucks as follows
-I dont believe in myself.
Im doing alllllllllllll kinds of work/reading/therapy and so on to work on this, and the scary thing is, no matter how much i achieve by way of understanding or seeing the proof that 'i am pretty decently capable and dope' - it doesn't matter. this feeling comes back and makes me realize it never left, it just got quieter and less pushy.
It doesn't tell me to kill myself, or that im disgusting.
It politely says - 'yea, ur alright..ur pretty average by way of humans...aka, ur born to fuck up..thats cool i guess..being a fucked up person in a fucked up world..its never gona stop...yay..thumbs up for u/us..what a life.'
apparently this is gona take years to work on..makes sense, 20+ years of convincing myself i suck can't be undone in a few months.
thing is....noooott so much worth it for me..to fight this.
Like im too tired for 5 or 10 or whatever its gona take years to get there.
Which brings me to my second part of the suck
There is
yet and still
nothing to live for.
I still resent humanity and being a part of it.
That fact, that nightmarish, sickening , dark joke that is on all of us, used to crush me everyday. I was just 13 when it started it, and after a few years of searching thru philosophy and religion and examing closely for any/all internal voices/convictions, the morbid depression had set in.
I've been thinking alot about if its this reality, that brought me depression.
Did this truly start the first colossal downward spiral into what feels like hate and sorrow manifested into a cloud of mood u are trapped in.
really, ill never know.
Silly me, i thought getting cured of depression would mean i would find motivation/conviction/inspiration to live.
Guess not.
So i dont fantasize about dying anymore...i just daydream about getting cancer and refusing the treatment cause, that wouldn't look to suspect....i think.
Which brings me to now, doing the thing that i always do when im desperate beyond all measure.
praying, except...in letter form cause..i cant concentrate long enough to actually pray.
Please help me,
please give me the feelings and thoughts i need, so i can not feel this less hellish, but yet shitty, way.
I'll do watever now, im way less stubborn (i think) and im more open to abstract and silly sounding things...like prayer (as seen now), discipline in my mind/thoughts, ill even do yoga if i thought the spirit world i need to connect with, is there waiting for me.
like...u know those people who have these spiritual experiences..seems like 50% of humans i kno, have a moment, or a dream, or an object move, or a posession of the soul happen and then they feel 'in touch' with u. or your desires for them...or both. That dude that wrote 'conversations with god' - his pencil started moving and writing in his hand, without his doing it. Ive day dreamed about that while holding my pencil..
Can i get one of those?
Im open
ill go buddist, christian, muslim...whatever u want...(christian would be convenient due to family members, but i assume pretty complicated and difficult, due to years of my hatred/resentment of the bible and the church)
or even just a halfway message...anything that would inspire a totally new way of looking at why im on earth?
cause i got nada.
and that thought still feels like a kick in the mouth.
Asking for this now, just like i did a hundred times before when i was young - its beyond hard
it takes me throwing away my pride, and logical sense, to be here again, asking again, for some meaning. for a reason, again.
So many people seem to be able to tap into a 'place' that they attribute to deep down inside themselves and dont have a name for it (re the eat love pray lady)
that would work i think..a still calm voice, a presence of love.
wow...i could write a WHOLE other letter on how id like that presence of love too.
but i think im learning how to find love - i mean im trying to get that from people now, ie trying to stay in relationships with people who love me. and all my efforts in not hating myself are also, efforts in loving myself. At times i do 'not hate myself' now. so theres progress.
point is
please,
give me that experience or that inspiration.
im more ready
im more mature
im the most deserving me ive ever been! ive fought so so hard to get to this point.
Im honest now
Im working to show/have respect for everyone
I've forgiven them all..i know that no one intentionally tried to hurt me.
please give me that thing, whatever thing that u know i need or could really use in this fight, against having no desire to live.
Thanks in advance (i hope)
I used to be morbidly depressed, i learnt to bury it deep under the surface of the persona i would show the world, because i didn't thin anyone deserved to see my dark, or would understand what they were seeing. Occasionally it reared its head to the surface of me, and i lived in anguish for however long that lasted. Being numb was the key. It was a relief to be numb, for the most part. Except that being numb comes with its own set of problems, and it also feels, at times, like somewhat of an act. The thought of future was horrifying and way to much to bare ( i was sure i would die soon enough- suicide attempt gone right for once?) , so i learnt to not believe in future. In fact it got so where hearing about future sounded funny and gay...like a fairytale with so many holes in the plot.
I've been this medication - 180mg of Cymbalta to be exact, for about 3 months now and its sort of magical, I dont get pulled under by the morbid depression anymore - at least i haven't fully yet. I've been what feels like close a bunch of times, but amazingly i get pulled,snapped or transitioned out of it within 24hours.
Im not in hell on earth, and im thankful and all that except i still dont like being alive, and the future now overwhelms me in a large but different way.
This more bareable, not quite hell on earth im in now, sucks. Not equally but still, it sucks as follows
-I dont believe in myself.
Im doing alllllllllllll kinds of work/reading/therapy and so on to work on this, and the scary thing is, no matter how much i achieve by way of understanding or seeing the proof that 'i am pretty decently capable and dope' - it doesn't matter. this feeling comes back and makes me realize it never left, it just got quieter and less pushy.
It doesn't tell me to kill myself, or that im disgusting.
It politely says - 'yea, ur alright..ur pretty average by way of humans...aka, ur born to fuck up..thats cool i guess..being a fucked up person in a fucked up world..its never gona stop...yay..thumbs up for u/us..what a life.'
apparently this is gona take years to work on..makes sense, 20+ years of convincing myself i suck can't be undone in a few months.
thing is....noooott so much worth it for me..to fight this.
Like im too tired for 5 or 10 or whatever its gona take years to get there.
Which brings me to my second part of the suck
There is
yet and still
nothing to live for.
I still resent humanity and being a part of it.
That fact, that nightmarish, sickening , dark joke that is on all of us, used to crush me everyday. I was just 13 when it started it, and after a few years of searching thru philosophy and religion and examing closely for any/all internal voices/convictions, the morbid depression had set in.
I've been thinking alot about if its this reality, that brought me depression.
Did this truly start the first colossal downward spiral into what feels like hate and sorrow manifested into a cloud of mood u are trapped in.
really, ill never know.
Silly me, i thought getting cured of depression would mean i would find motivation/conviction/inspiration to live.
Guess not.
So i dont fantasize about dying anymore...i just daydream about getting cancer and refusing the treatment cause, that wouldn't look to suspect....i think.
Which brings me to now, doing the thing that i always do when im desperate beyond all measure.
praying, except...in letter form cause..i cant concentrate long enough to actually pray.
Please help me,
please give me the feelings and thoughts i need, so i can not feel this less hellish, but yet shitty, way.
I'll do watever now, im way less stubborn (i think) and im more open to abstract and silly sounding things...like prayer (as seen now), discipline in my mind/thoughts, ill even do yoga if i thought the spirit world i need to connect with, is there waiting for me.
like...u know those people who have these spiritual experiences..seems like 50% of humans i kno, have a moment, or a dream, or an object move, or a posession of the soul happen and then they feel 'in touch' with u. or your desires for them...or both. That dude that wrote 'conversations with god' - his pencil started moving and writing in his hand, without his doing it. Ive day dreamed about that while holding my pencil..
Can i get one of those?
Im open
ill go buddist, christian, muslim...whatever u want...(christian would be convenient due to family members, but i assume pretty complicated and difficult, due to years of my hatred/resentment of the bible and the church)
or even just a halfway message...anything that would inspire a totally new way of looking at why im on earth?
cause i got nada.
and that thought still feels like a kick in the mouth.
Asking for this now, just like i did a hundred times before when i was young - its beyond hard
it takes me throwing away my pride, and logical sense, to be here again, asking again, for some meaning. for a reason, again.
So many people seem to be able to tap into a 'place' that they attribute to deep down inside themselves and dont have a name for it (re the eat love pray lady)
that would work i think..a still calm voice, a presence of love.
wow...i could write a WHOLE other letter on how id like that presence of love too.
but i think im learning how to find love - i mean im trying to get that from people now, ie trying to stay in relationships with people who love me. and all my efforts in not hating myself are also, efforts in loving myself. At times i do 'not hate myself' now. so theres progress.
point is
please,
give me that experience or that inspiration.
im more ready
im more mature
im the most deserving me ive ever been! ive fought so so hard to get to this point.
Im honest now
Im working to show/have respect for everyone
I've forgiven them all..i know that no one intentionally tried to hurt me.
please give me that thing, whatever thing that u know i need or could really use in this fight, against having no desire to live.
Thanks in advance (i hope)
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