retroactive entries - October thru November

Oct 11 approx

I feel absurdly good. Its been going on about 36 hours now and im spooked out but thankful.

Im trying to concentrate on feeling it, and not analyzing/criticizing it. I uped my dose in cymbalta by another 30 grams so now im on 150, which is a high dose but im cool with that (progress!)

the joy juice started at this wedding. I barely knew anyone there and i was kinda bored, a lil frustrated with myself and missing this dude i hung out with recently. not so much missing him cause i dont know him real well, but missing the feeling of being connected to someone.

I dont kno if i made the decision to change my mood ( i doubt it since that has never worked before) or if it was the meds or the universe, but i danced my ass off with all these people i dont know (something i would never do) and felt good. The next day i felt open and connected again and had a great day. There was even some family drama that went down and i managed to not take it in, and let it hurt me for too long. I feel a changed. I wonder how long or often its gona be around for. I met a girl and spoke with her for hours about mental healthier, self development, education of both and her own schizophrenic brother. More and still, i want/need to get involved in speaking about mental health and my journey with depression and seeking out help. This is one of those things i actually do pray about. Ive taken to praying to yusee cause really, he's the only one i know is actually up there.

My grandma is going to die soon, i can feel it. Im doing what i do with painful ish, and am kinda wishing it would happen soon cause i cant handle this anticipation for the grieving to begin.
I hope i don't lose some of my hope in myself when she goes, i know it will test it.

Im really hoping  to look for an overseas job, possibly singing or doing some community development type work, cause i feel ready to work now, and take on challenges.

im proud of myself

and it just took me 5 mins, and tears in my eyes to type that.

Im being changed and for now, my resistance is low. When it does flare up and i don't have the know how or energy to fight it, im gona try to acknowledge its presence, note why it exists (that resistance), and then busy myself.

Im also gona sing my ass off this year, cause my experiment in doing shows/touring this summer has definitely concluded that i want to sing every gotdam day.

Nov 11th

Today when i was hugging my mom goodbye she said ' im really glad u have ur aunts, step daddy, sisters and Tara, that are all close to you and supporting you throught this.

And i felt like the unspoken words were:
Im glad u have let people who love you and will help to care for you, back inside your world

i felt the unspoken and prob sub conscience words were:
Even tho we aren't close, i know u have really good people that u are now letting yourself be close to..so i don't worry about not being the one who does this for u, Im just glad its happening.

what if me and my mom just don't have compatible types of love to give each other. like we are both north pole magnets. or maybe im a metal that wont magnetize to her



Nov 23

Im thinking about immersing myself in making things and doing stuff that will make the time i start again in t.o, the best most comfortable it can be.

Even tho the meds are working so that i don't get stuck in the the dark, i do feel super trapped by fear and doubt.
What if i can never love me?
what if i can never love life?
I dont know what type of a future or career to pursue
I dont like being alone now, but close to people still poses all the same problems it used to...which is a whole other 18 page entry.