So i feel like ativan has taken me out of the deep end of panic and anguish and now I'm guessing its 'back to normal'
'back to normal' :
-I function well enough, so doctors are satisfied with my 'prognosis' based on said functioning seeming to be ok ei: I'm not cutting, threatening suicide,anorexic, using drugs, doing risky things, being evicted etc etc
-I keep my dark and horrifying thoughts to myself, cause believe me, sharing them only hurts the listener
-I focus only on survival. meaning get an income, keep the income, groom myself.
- I try to maintain friendships and relationships by being a good friend. a lot of the time being a good friend means being an absent friend because i must recluse to survive. and thats not a theory or a belief. I become overwhelmed by interaction on my poor days. my poor days are half the time. becoming overwhelmed can launch me into being suicidal , quickly.
'Normal' led me to this suicide attempt because the suffering is so low level according to doctors radars, and generally undetectable to others since its in my mind.
What I'm trying to say is, i feel this resistance right now as i return to acting semi normal. like 'don't do it, at least everyone can tell theres something wrong with you while you are slow to speak, and can't barely walk!'
but fighting is what I'm doing because actually, I'm bored out of my fucking mind.
So i applied for nannying jobs and got 2 interviews.
Im in rTMS in the hospital EVERYDAY for the next 4 weeks. These jobs start this week.
I interview tomorrow.
Will i be able to arrange the rtms schedule around my working schedule?
Will i need to explain to employers my scheduling issue?
will both jobs fall through, and ill be right back where i started, facing eviction?
Im working out a little bit too
Living with my parents has added new anxieties, around them, their interactions and issues they face.
I visited my apartment and i can say, I've never hated an apartment so much, with so much feeling and passion and revulsion before.
With depression, every home eventually feels like a prison, but this apt feels like one in a way I've never felt.
This blog is an experiment in sharing what my Depression feels like, possibly helping or encouraging myself and/or others.
My dark
I dont get to start my life.
I cant chase my dreams. I wait. I wait. And wait. And wait. And then here it is, here it starts and ends.
My darkness comes.
Making my skin crawl, and my face distort.
Making my dreams fall, and my safe leave.
Making me hate more than you can ever imagine being able to loath every single thought that comes to my own mind.
Takes my memories and makes them a lie.
Takes my abilities and makes them joke.
Takes my body and makes it a burden and a torture.
Takes my life and makes it impossible.
Speaking is torture. Moving is irratating.
Bathing is out of the question.
Looking in a mirror is an invitation to imagine ripping my face off.
Knowing it is all for sure is the only real thing. period.
This is what my thoughts and feelings look like when my dark comes - my depression.
