If I was on a rollarcoaster, if be puking now.

I had a session with the psycho therapist that hit some deep nerves/points I hadn't considered. I had gone to the gym that day so I was feeling damn near good when i got there.
We spoke about the new battle I have raging inside of me that is one part trying to do everything I can to change, and the other part that knows that nothing I will/can do will make any difference.
He said I do have hope, I just don't know how  to feel it. 
So im not comfortable with hope, and not experienced in feeling it.
That hit me hard, cause it feels very true. He also said
my overly cynical and pessimistic voice is no longer my authentic me. Which also feels true cause lately that voice sounds like it's trying to convince me, instead of just speaking.

So yesterday I'm feeling pretty decent and run a ton of errands, do a rehearsal and go to a walkin clinic to get a prescription for cymbalta - this new antidepressant I'm on. I went to a clinic cause I noticed my phyciatrist put only one of the drugs I'm on, on the prescription he wrote me a few weeks ago. When I told the doc my psych missed writing the prescription for the cymbalta, I showed him the prescript I did have ( for prestiq) and explained I needed 120mg of cymbalta as well. The doc looked at me like I was full of shit, and said I shouldn't be on both drugs, cause  both are too high of doses. I told him I am phasing off the prestiq soon and explained how / when I started them etc
He drilled me, he wasn't gona give the presciptipm and he didn't seem to believe my psyciatrist would put me on these doses. I told him I kno it's high and unusual, and that it's the first time anything has worked for me.
He reluctently wrote me one months worth and told me I'd need to get anymore prescriptions from my psyciatrist.
I pick up the $200.00 prescrip which thank god is covered under my trillium drug plan, but I can't pick up the prestiq cause it's not covered (WTF!) and is also 200$
I figure I'll phase myself off of prestiq now, to avoid paying the 200.
I go to a restaurant, and leave the bag I had the prescription in.
Lose my mind, wana die, Get a fever and piss off some friends i was soppused to meet.
2 days later my friend gives me the bag, cause i didn't leave it at the restaurant i left it at her house.

Whatever this story is gay too (see 2nd para for the gay rant)

Im in new york now...i started this entry like a week ago and am now adding to it.

I feel oddly more lonely than usual. I think that i've been doing this whole 'authentically connecting' with people since this whole coming out and trying to get better (beginning of this blog) and it feels like a momentum that if i stop, it will reverse. (momentum of authentic connections)

Im talking to this dude out here in newyork and he's young and not really my type. For the first time ever, im continuing to talk to someone cause,...im fucking lonely. how gay (top)

also, i just read a bit of kurt cobains diary and holy crap..it made me zone into disattachment.
first of all, get out of my head.
secondly and differently, he needs to relax on thinking about society and people and probably move to an ashram in india. (same could be said about me i guess...but not so extreme)
3rd, thank GOD i never had the desire to try drugs. I think theres bigger chances i would be a junkie, then a occasional user.
4th - there is way too many of us, depressed, isolated (mentally and from 'peers') creative people on earth, but our brains are to garbled up to know how/when to communicate what we see and what we need, in order to really find each other.
I know i spend most of my time holding back my thoughts - they confuse the faak outa me too.

one last thing.
I do feel shifts.
maybe its just the meds, maybe its an illusion.
but i have shifts happening, and i find them to be encouraging.
Im gona cling to them cause, really, i might as well.

shifts are as follows
- i dont feel as ugly as i usually do, all the time anymore
- If i have hope, but i dont know how to feel it that - cool. Ill stop trying to feel it and just get down with the fact that its in there somewhere. thats comforting somehow.
-Less pressure to figure out future. really able to say a big 'fuck u' to pressure lately. seriously, ive been worrying about future my whole life and somehow ive managed to actually shift into a focus in on my self and getting better more than ever before. Not to say i still dont feel overwhelmed by the thought, but not as much and not as often.

I think some of these shifts are coming from the fact that i know my stepsister and step dad understand and support me %100. Still quite weird, and insanely powerful for me when i acknowledge it.