Happyness

I have felt pretty decent for about 7 days. Today I am fully feeling Happy (better than good)
Thoroughly happy, not a front, or a forced smile that I know I will wear only until the minute I am alone.

This is pretty new, like very very new.
Quite a lot has been going on..

Shortly after I started this blog my therapist asked me if their was anywhere I could go, (if I was able to take time to actually go somewhere) to do the work that we have been discussing could/would greatly effect change in my depression.


She asked this because for about a year and half now I have been thinking - ‘if I could just get a few months off of work… or have a 6months+ where I only have to work part time.. or if I could get that $10,000 recording grant, and all though I would definitely record an album, id secretly use half of my time to do my anti-depression work.’

But no grant was granted, no part time job that would pay me enough to live off of exists for me, and I couldnt get time off of work.

Except that my doctor did write me a medical leave note to take a month off last summer following a bad suicidal episode I had.....
But I didn’t take the time off.
I felt that whatever I accomplished in one month, would be undone when I go back to my fulltime job and insane routine, which wouldn't leave me time to continue the work on myself.

Even more of a problem, my fulltime job would be nightmare for me to go back too, since a large amount of the work from my absence, would be waiting for me, anxiously, upon my return.
(there is no one in my office, who would be able to fill in for me completely, so about %50 of my load would be left undone)

I did show the note to my boss (who advised I could not take the leave at that time) and asked her to let me leave on fridays @ 2pm for the next 10 weeks to attend a Mindfullness meditation group for depression sufferers, led by a phyciatrist in a hospital.

2 weeks into it i wasnt able to make a session because my job needed me to stay, when it happend again the next week the doctor said i should re-enroll once i can do the full 10 weeks.

I was a little dissapointed but i committed myself to continuing the work.

That commitment lasted about 2 days...

So now, one serious and much worse breakdown later, my therapist again asked me again about taking the leave.

I realized I may have the perfect place to go to, in a small city about 9 hours north of me, where my sister and step mom live. Its not just that they are family, its that they are easily and by far the best suited people i possibly be around, to support me in doing the work i need and want to do. (im going to explain/ break down " the work" soon)

They are super nonjudgmental, super kind, generous and supportive. I haven't spent my time with either of them in years... and, like alot of good things in my life, i forget entirely about their exsistence unless reminded.

So its been about 6 weeks now of back and forth conversations with myself about if/how and when I will leave my job, pack up my crap and put it into storage, and go stay with my sister for an indefinate amount of time, to start my work.
I gave my notice to my landlord, and am planning to ask my doctor for another medical leave note. (which i will actually take, regardless of if my boss doesn't agree)

In approx 6 weeks, I'll be putting my life on hold (not that I'm that invested in it) and making the decision to face each day with my betterment, as my focus.

To sum up how I feel about doing this, how I feel about facing my job and telling them I am leaving, would be a whole other, super long and ranty post. One im sure I will do over the course of the next few months.

A quick overview of the "work" ill be doing
- A whole lot of working out. Starting my each day working out.
As I write this i instantly feel like a shithead. it sounds pretty "non medical, and self indulgent" to me, since lots of people would love to quit their jobs and workout more.
I don't know how to defend this other than to say, working out is the only exsisting activity I have found with an instant "depression reversal" property.. Being that I really dislike my body, have a hard time getting/staying motivated (motivated aka finding the time, since I could find the time if I was committed  enough) and I also live with lots of stomach pain - I've never stayed consistent in the gym for more than a couple weeks. Id love to see if working out regularly has an overall effect on lessening my depression - I halfway believe it will.
The more intense the workout, the bigger the "high". I very literally feel a high after a serious workout- I actually feel self love and what I think might be hope.

- Mindfullness meditation, working with and using the book and audio cd guided meditations on  " A mindfull way through depression"
http://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Way-through-Depression-Unhappiness/dp/1593851286

So this was the material used in that group therapy I was in for a few weeks, that I never finished.
I believe a large part of why I suffer with depression is because the conversations/focus's that are constantly in my mind, are pretty negative (with a special focus on the hopelessness of humanity, and the disgustingness of myself) and are kinda out of control.
Meaning, I've identified how harmful my thought process's are, but seem to have little to no effect on changing them based on my own will to do so.
Meditation is said to be a very helpful tool in cleaning your brain of its rediculous patterns of unhelpful thoughts.
Theres tons of info and research to be found on this, once I researched alot about it, I started to really respect the concept and the science and history behind/supporting it.
Big up to my therapist for introducing it to me, and not giving up on recommending it to me even though I ignored her recommendation for like..2 years.
Here's hoping I can get thru more than 2 weeks of the daily practice! (since this is my all time high)
Also, ill be looking for meditation/buddist communties in the town im going to, since I realize that working in a group is more likely to help me remain committed.
...but oh, how I greatly resist all things "group".....which is another characteristic of mine that I believe has greatly contributed to my depression...

- A journey in self love
This is easily going to be the hardest part, and the one I will resist the most.
Only when I dug down in therapy to discover my motivating factors, and deeply buried feelings,  have I discovered that, I sincerely dont love myself, or feel love for myself.
 I can't access anylove, passion, affection, or kindness towards myself. What I feel right now, is tripped out  trying to feel feelings, for myself. While in a depression, I experience pretty extreme hatred for me, and my life.
I have a few ideas as to how to "create some self love", and im also going to seek out the advise of a life coach/therapist I met while speaking ( haha! the irony...) at a self esteem seminar for teenage girls last year. I want to see if there is any good book material that I can use - most of what i find is waaaaaay to corny for me to take serious. (like i cant do the "i love myself , i am wonderful" mantras in the mirror type stuff. I can't do it)
My ideas are
- Writing myself a series of letters. To different ages of myself (my 5 year old self, my 10 year old self, etc etc) Writing about the things I would want to tell myself I am proud of, or tell myself how I would love myself if I could be there for myself at such and such a time. Also maybe some future self letters. Its a weird thought - i have a hard time picturing  a future self
-Making a scrap picture book of myself growing up. This is because the one of the only times I feel love for me, is when I look at pics of little me

Id like to see a naturalpathic doctor if I can afford it, to look into their recommendations for natural suppliments to combat depression, and also to hear what they may say about my life long stomach pain.
I believe my stomach issues are about %70 my depression/anxiety caused, and about %30 genetic, since both of my parents have weak/sensitive bowels/guts and or ulcers/digestive issues.
I have to watch what I eat much more.
I eat pretty well until I become sad, and then I eat crap to comfort myself and ultimately make myself sick.
 Its a really sad and embarressing cycle that I put myself through.
Working out consistently should help alot since my body/mouth isn't as attracted to crap food when im working out, and im less likely to go through as much sadness/lack of sleep.

This is the general overview so far.

....and this post is going way too long, im going to continue or pick up again later..