ECT

In heading into my third week of ECT (http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/electroconvulsive-therapy/basics/definition/prc-20014161)

Im sore, exhausted and very depressed. I'm suicidal in a new persistent way.

if this ECT doesn't work, i can't imagine how long ill last.

continum

i was almost halfway to the bridge where i planned to end it, but i couldn't go thru with it.
mostly because i had just broke up with dwayne, and i didnt want him to have to live with thinking it was his fault.
its really not his fault, my need to end it all.

i wonder if I'm going to leave tomoro, or next week.
i wonder when ill have the strength to put down my foot and think...dont hug me anymore. and mean it

or THIS quote from tobeaslut.com :

"There are feelings you wonder if you will ever feel again. “I love your face. Like, so much so. Everything about it is something I find to be so appealing and handsome – a face I would want to spend forever with if I believed in forevers.”

will i ever actually feel that way again?

cause I've loved dudes and not had that feeling for a long time,cause i didn't know it would still exist for me.

im so sick

so sick of what he did and who he really is in his worst self.

he's even ignoring me now i think

i can't stomach it

suicuidal nightmare imaginings is all i have

Ketamine day 5

or i should say, 5th dose.

Im not better. Im still suicidal and overwhelmed everyday.
I also get bits of determinedness to complete only my daily tasks.
I put off a lot
I vacillate between being very skeptically determined, and being very panicked and suicidal.

people asking how i am, is officially the worst part(s) of my day.
Even those that know whats going on.

My wishful answers are:
Im unbearably horrible
I just want to die
Im panicking about being alive

I mostly answer with 'I'm not ok', and hold my breath hoping who ever it is doesn't push for more explanation.

I just dosed myself on 225mg of Ketamine, i should be heading off to tranquillized land soon.

I may or may not be asked to shoot a music video in a few weeks, and the idea is so preposterous, it makes me laugh.
then cry

Always crying, lots and lots and lots of crying.
like tearing up, not all out balling.

I dont barely let myself ball, it feels horrible.

Im preoccupying myself with trying to find an affordable keyboard (musical) for which to replace the one of mine that just broke, telling myself that i need to/should try to play / connect to music.

I have a sick feeling i will get one and it will sit and collect dust just like this one has been for months now.

Life is unbearable for me, and I've never felt more trapped.

ketamine day 3

I think it might be helping.
My Psychistrist Dr McCormick read me the protocol that the hospital psychiatrist Dr. Downar had sent him on ketamine and it said 'if you think it maybe helping, then its not' meaning, its supposed to be very very obvious that its helping.

but i still say maybe, cause I'm only one week in, and not up to the highest dose yet.

I do feel a bit better, but i feel very lost.
I feel like I've lost my ability to do things.
especially music.

It seems to be under the blanket of fear that has seemed to cover everything now.

Today I don't have a busy enough day, and that is torture.
But I'm also aware its not as torturous as it was a week ago.

I got some financial help from some one in my family, so I'm also wondering if thats partly why i think the ketamine might be working. Since money is worry about every 15 mins.

I think about how i used to wish for free time, so that i could write or record.
and now I'm here, free, and just scared.

My grandparents funeral is this weekend, and i have a scary feeling ill be thinking about my own attempted suicide the whole time.
I wanted to be buried with my gramma, and i keep thinking about that.
When i was in the hospital i felt weirdly close to my grams, not like she was there, but  like close to going where she was.

It feels like it took me many months to come to terms with the fact that i was really going to end it all, and now that I'm here and I'm starting to not feel  suicidal every 10 mins, I can't figure out what to do. feels like starting life brand new.

Sort of reflected in how i can't figure out how to dress or do my makeup in a way that i like.
which scares me cause....has my creativity been striped from me?

Ive become somewhat consumed with how hard i perceive growing old is going to be.
I just never planned to be 30 and I can't imagine being here for 30 more years and then some.
When i think of this, i become suicidal.

Dr Downer said he got me accepted in the women's college hospital Trauma program, which is a bunch of diff talk therapies.
Im anxious about it, I wonder if talking about my father (aka my trauma qualifier) will help me at all.
I feel like I've talked about him quite a bit in therapy in the past, and obviously...i still got here.
Meaning, i don't know how talking about him or the past helps me at this point.
But I am hoping for the the DBT therapy, which is supposed to be designed for people who can't handle how strong their feelings are.

I def can't handle mine.

I am consumed with 'what is life going to look like'?
since i have to be here.

Im still wishing daily for a disease that could take me out..so i guess this ketamine isn't working yet.

ketamine day 2

it goes like this:

i take it every three days. I up my dose every time by 1/4 the amount. I keep upping my dose until a) we know its working b) I hallucinate.

Usually its shot up in you, in the hospital, but now they are letting people do pills, even though some psychiatrist don't believe pills are as effective as intravenous. Its only being investigated, and some of us are lucky enough to be getting it as a aggressive (desperate) measure.

Its effects (high) lasts only 2, or 3 hours and then its out of my system. Its the next day(s) i could start feeling better depression wise

So when i took it the first day, i felt it was a tranquillizer. It is actually used as a analgesic. Both pharmacists asked why i was being put on it. Saying Depression (and then eye contact) is wack.

I laid in bed with lights off and no sound, like the doctor told me too, and i just felt high and tranquillized. then back to normal about 2.5 hours later.



So now its 2 days after i took it and i def don't feel better. scared and neurotic.

sleepy.

upset with my days and self and everyone

so heavy

What i really want people to know

if i was ever to leave, and leave all  the questions with you all, it would be - depression took me.
I would really really want people to try to understand that depression, a disease that kills, killed me.

I didn't get a chance to be someone who could answer your questions.

I didn't get to make music
i didn't get to have friends and loves
i didn't get to figure out a career
i didn't get to be a person who is happy to be living life
i didn't get to anything

and if its keeping me from it all, then the end feels so.. genuine.

there it is, the subscribing to and from death.
like committing to and from it.

series of emotional commitments leading down the steps

 there might be something to an adhd diagnosis actually happening.

the worst part is, right now i don't hardly hear music inside, and THAT shit is depressing.

Ketamine tomorrow

A few days ago they stopped the TMS, as they determined it wasn't helping. The dr also explained to me that my MRI scan showed the type of brain they are least successful with, with TMS


Tomorrow I start what seems to be the most promising and risky drug I've been given - ketamine
http://www.bbc.com/news/health-26647738


Yesterday I found out it is very expensive, around 200$ a month, and isn't covered as it is a compound...
So I was terribly upset and unsure how it's going to work out, if it does In fact work.
Keeping in mind I've been on about a dozen drugs that haven't helped, I waiver between slightly hoping tomorrow will be different, and knowing it won't be.

I don't know how I'll be able to affor the drug, and living expenses, cause the truth is I can't.
I don't know how I'll be able to work enough to live, if I don't get better soon.

I cry approx every hour, and want only to die.
I do think I've given up on finding a way to do it, since seeing my step dad break down about about it.

I can't imagine how I'm soppused to keep functioning the way I have been, (on my own, acting as normal as I can) if the ketamine doesn't work

I'm still here, and I'm so angry that I have to be

now

Im waiting for ketamine or ECT, ultimately thats where i am.
If i don't set some goals, all i have is being really suicidal, and thats unbearable.
I
 have these steps that lead me down to the worst suicidal place, and each step gets darker and more unbearable. The last step is suicide simply because its the only way to end the anguish, not because it means ending my existence to all connected to me

In a dark and scary situation with 1 job i have.
otherwise other work is minimal but ok.

on monday i have my rtms assessment, to look at whether or not to continue. (its not helping so they might pull plug.)
Then i ask/beg
then i enter back and forth land maybe, i hope not for too long.
And i 'hang in' or not, whatever that means

im lost and upset and terrified.

Im really hoping for the ect

my body

feels weak in a way.
ive lost about 8 pounds, pretty much of whatever muscle i had, and some shape.
I'm trying to work out but i feel so dark during it
music isn't reachable yet, but I'm hoping to force my way into that soon
i feel ugly too
super hard to look in mirrors
im not hungry ever, but i force myself or get high and get it in


some of this is familiar, but at the same time feels so too next level of fucked up
Theres a dark scary eery ness that makes me wana believe in devils
but its a devil inside me.
all i know is it takes me to having to do something

trying to ride it out, and fight for more treatments

so back to riding
my thing is to schedule pockets of time, and try to stay with them
today hospital, school, josh,grocery store, home.

he feels up in the air to me. like how are things really playing out right now, i can't tell.
I feel like if it doesn't work right now, its gona be done
and then i feel like I'm in no position to think about done
and then i think its doomed like everything else

so glad to be tired right now
long day tomorrow, hopefully no rain.

normal

So i feel like ativan has taken me out of the deep end of panic and anguish and now I'm guessing its 'back to normal'

'back to normal' :
-I function well enough, so doctors are satisfied with my 'prognosis' based on said functioning seeming to be ok ei: I'm not cutting, threatening suicide,anorexic, using drugs, doing risky things, being evicted etc etc
-I keep my dark and horrifying thoughts to myself, cause believe me, sharing them only hurts the listener
-I focus only on survival. meaning get an income, keep the income, groom myself.
- I try to maintain friendships and relationships by being a good friend. a lot of the time being a good friend means being an absent friend because i must recluse to survive. and thats not a theory or a belief. I become overwhelmed by interaction on my poor days. my poor days are half the time. becoming overwhelmed can launch me into being suicidal , quickly.

'Normal' led me to this suicide attempt because the suffering is so low level according to doctors radars, and generally undetectable to others since its in my mind.

What I'm trying to say is, i feel this resistance right now as i return to acting semi normal. like 'don't do it, at least everyone can tell theres something wrong with you while you are slow to speak, and can't barely walk!'

but fighting is what I'm doing because actually, I'm bored out of my fucking mind.


So i applied for nannying jobs and got 2 interviews.
Im in rTMS in the hospital EVERYDAY for the next 4 weeks.  These jobs start this week.
I interview tomorrow.
Will i be able to arrange the rtms schedule around my working schedule?
Will i need to explain to employers my scheduling issue?

will both jobs fall through, and ill be right back where i started, facing eviction?

Im working out a little bit too

Living with my parents has added new anxieties, around them, their interactions and issues they face.

I visited my apartment and i can say, I've never hated an apartment so much, with so much feeling and passion and revulsion before.
With depression, every home eventually feels like a prison, but this apt feels like one in a way I've never felt.

ativan

Today i started ativan (or lorazepam) and i can feel it helping with the anxiety, and I am thankful to no longer be stuck in a complete state of panic.
 The doctors at the hospital didn't want me to start any new meds while I'm undergoing this rTMS (magnet shock) treatment, but agreed to let me have a small dose, always after my treatments, to avoid it interacting / voiding out, what the rTMS is trying to do.
theres a %50 chance rTMS will work, and i find that number the opposite of comforting.
I spend hours wondering what my life will look like if it doesn't work. get kicked out of apt, move in with parents, spin further in depression since i can't do anything meaningful while I'm still sick.
I asked my psychiatrist about ECT, but said it was too early to think about.
I have 2-4 weeks left of TMS, and its too early for me to think of ways to actually get better, if rtms doesn't work?
 The Psychiatrist at the hospital told me we would try ketamine if rtms doesn't work, but my psychiatrist seems to think its too risky. He had a patient hallucinate and have a psychotic breakdown on ketamine, so seems he is scared of it.
Ive been with him for about 8 years, on and off a dozen meds, and haven't gotten better. So, i think ill take the ketamine from the new doctor, when/if its time.
All this medical help has ever been is bleak.
 My psychiatrist said it was interesting that the hospital MRI showed my frontal lobe as very over active, and that he would try certain meds that are said to calm down over activeness, in future.
 If the MRI info was helpful, why didn't he send me for an MRI 8 years ago?

doctor world once again becoming the rabbits hole.

the thought of music is a weird whisper on repeat

blogging while in the deep end

Blogging while in the deep end seems obvious. 2.5 weeks ago i overdosed trying to end it, and wound up in the ICU and, clearly lived. My life feels life has fallen apart, and that the decision to try to overdose feels like it cemented it to being so horrible. Trying to live while battling my illness, while trying keep it a secret, is too difficult. No one knows how horrified i am, all the time or even if i had fibermyljia , or some other illness spawn from depression, it would be nameable. maybe anyways, i should be blogging, since being so bored right now is this whole other battle - with my mind as it is, its like fuel to the fire. I sit inside my head all day, manically calculating how horrifying multiple aspects of life are. My life, other peoples lives i know, and millions i don’t know. then thinking about who i have to tell, and who i shouldn’t tell, about trying to off myself - so stressful i can’t handle it money is on the roaster too. how i might get kicked out of where i live, and how that would make things worse. i also don't know if i want my thoughts in writing for future

alone everywhere its the same. alienation when asked 'how are u', or even more so ' are u doing better now'. it was the same when everyone and their mom talks about how 'the alchemist' changed their lives. or the secret. When they realized it was a strength from within. or a desire. or a power. what about when darkness is all there is from within. if i had the balls, or any real courage, id really really leave.

suicide

Ive been extremely suicidal for weeks now. By extremely i mean i can't stop thinking about it, imagining it, and longing for it all day.lots of intrusive thoughts that are violent and scary. I am tortured by the ways that i am not equipped to kill myself, i don't have a gun or poison etc. Then i settle on jumping off a bridge. yesterday i decided when my boyfriend left i would take a lot of pills to sedate me (my sleeping pills and antidepressants) and put a bag over my head. then secure it with a velco strip i have, then zip tie my hands behind my back. I think i can actually manage to zip tie my hands behind my back, i wonder if I'm right. i knew it would be so painful to die by lack of air, but i kept telling myself how worth the pain it would be. I had some peace of mind once i decided i would do it. peace of mind is really not even close to what i had, but i was able to just obsess over what it would be like to be gone, instead of obsessing over ways to kill myself that would fail and be painful. i don't know if i should cancel my trip to jamaica, but I'm very sure it would cause me more initial stress if i did. I'm trying to adjust to being this suicidal, and continue the things i need to do like move and do homework I hope if i do kill myself, the message can be spread that depression took my life and i always fought with all that i could fight with.

i don't know if i should do this in a voice note, because I've never written when I'm in this state, and in this state i don't believe my hands can keep up with what i need to try to say
 I want to die, and its been about 3.5 months since i last 'reached out during suicidalness' thats been lasting for more than a week or so. Im here again and its been a few months now of learning that ritalin does not help my mind slow down, my depression let up or my improve self discipline in working out, meditation and doing all the other stuff I'm supposed to do and take very seriously. It makes me do shit.
i do shit instead of being in 'ignore everything and watch bombs go off' mode, which truly is a gift. cause that mode is a nightmare this is a nightmare too tho.
 i guess its like comparing my nightmares of horrible random ish, to my nightmares about my father. obvious lesser evil is random shit.
nightmares with him intensely make me wana die , all day, the next day.
 i wish i kept a log of my suicidal pattern. 1 - 3 months, 2-4 weeks....i couldn't tell u really. and all the in-between. the anxiety filled days verses the depression filled days.
 different patterns I'm sure. id make a flow graph, i really would.
 and then I'd try to turn it into a piece of art for my wall, cause isn't calculation a nice thing.

 This week is going to need a lot of weed to turn this suicidal place into fun analysis in a super high detached way place.
 If i flop out of school, or have a basketcase in Jamaica and need to be sent home early, i hope i can forgive myself I hope so much neither of those things happen, so i don't have to bare the hatred they would bring I hope i don't regret this show horribly, because if i stay in this state, i will.

 And now I'm arguing with dwayne and i don't wana be with him, i sincerely think I'm using him for the feeling of being loved. i don't believe it will last, or that i won't regret cutting it off now, in future when it burns

monster

There is a monster version of me, inside of me.
 She is sadistic and has a very dark sense of humor and the need to shock herself
 She is a lot like him
She even looks more like him. Dark curls.
She's rearing her head, because she knows we're defeating her.
I wonder, if good goes away, she'll come back with a vengeance?
 I'll check her into the hospital if that happens.
She'd be lonely, so so lonely once me and mine left her.

I'm not scared she's real or will become real ,Im scared she will always be inside and I will never know life without her
 I'm scared I can never love her
I'm concerned people still see her?
 Some have seen her so many times

Virgin Mobile - Check it. Love it. Share it.

Virgin Mobile - Check it. Love it. Share it.

Virgin Mobile - Check it. Love it. Share it.

Virgin Mobile - Check it. Love it. Share it.