feels weak in a way.
ive lost about 8 pounds, pretty much of whatever muscle i had, and some shape.
I'm trying to work out but i feel so dark during it
music isn't reachable yet, but I'm hoping to force my way into that soon
i feel ugly too
super hard to look in mirrors
im not hungry ever, but i force myself or get high and get it in
some of this is familiar, but at the same time feels so too next level of fucked up
Theres a dark scary eery ness that makes me wana believe in devils
but its a devil inside me.
all i know is it takes me to having to do something
trying to ride it out, and fight for more treatments
so back to riding
my thing is to schedule pockets of time, and try to stay with them
today hospital, school, josh,grocery store, home.
he feels up in the air to me. like how are things really playing out right now, i can't tell.
I feel like if it doesn't work right now, its gona be done
and then i feel like I'm in no position to think about done
and then i think its doomed like everything else
so glad to be tired right now
long day tomorrow, hopefully no rain.
This blog is an experiment in sharing what my Depression feels like, possibly helping or encouraging myself and/or others.
My dark
I dont get to start my life.
I cant chase my dreams. I wait. I wait. And wait. And wait. And then here it is, here it starts and ends.
My darkness comes.
Making my skin crawl, and my face distort.
Making my dreams fall, and my safe leave.
Making me hate more than you can ever imagine being able to loath every single thought that comes to my own mind.
Takes my memories and makes them a lie.
Takes my abilities and makes them joke.
Takes my body and makes it a burden and a torture.
Takes my life and makes it impossible.
Speaking is torture. Moving is irratating.
Bathing is out of the question.
Looking in a mirror is an invitation to imagine ripping my face off.
Knowing it is all for sure is the only real thing. period.
This is what my thoughts and feelings look like when my dark comes - my depression.
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