Yesterday was wack, I longed to be the person who didn't have any meaningful relationships, so that I could off myself, and not feel guilty about all these 'people's in my life' feelings.
Today feels good tho. I'm inspired to eat well, (After binging on crap and giving myself a 48 hour belly ache 2 days ago ) work out, record and am planning a music video I hope to shoot in a few months. Today it feels like I'm allowed to just enjoy thinking about these 4 things and not have to worry about the pending doom that is my future and my dark.
Reading 'women, food and god' and am once again being shown / encouraged to 'sit with my feelings' to... Feel them thru to the totality of them... To not panick when the dark comes but to accept it and 'mindfully' observe the thoughts and feelings instead of freaking out and believing in them ( thinking they are ' truth') Similar stuff/ approach as explained in the ' mindfull approach to depression' book.
The concept sounds... Relieving to me.
Allowing myself to feel non judgemental and somewhat accepting of my darkness would be a much better alternative than hating myself for my feelings and my exsistence .
It also seems pretty impossible... Like I really doubt my ability to have a ' mindfull neutral' dialouge with myself, while I'm in the middle of a dark attack..
In the book she talks about having a therpist walk you thru it initially, so going to see about having my therapist do that for me if possible..
I have also come across this book and after readying the first chapter I am Super excited about its existence
'Undoing Depression: What therapy doesn't teach you and Medication can't give you ' by Richard O'Connor.
After reading the first chapter I was damn near feeling joyful for like a good 4 hours, off the strength of the encouragement I got. It was such a total and complete confirmation of my feelings/suspicions about depression - in how its understood in the medical world and therefore how its treated.
Hard to explain...read the first chapter to know what I really mean.
Im back in the Bury of Sud, and focusing on finding a psychiatrist/psychotherapist who has substantial experience with Depression and can hopefully guide me through some effective...process's...or whatever the effective stuff I can be shown.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Numb
What I feel today is extreme dis attachment. It comes along every so often. I don't give flying fuck. about. anything.
I couldn't possibly deal with anything difficult or complicated today. Cause I would just walk away. Which includes and is not inclusive to: more than a 4 min convo, more than a 5 min activity, more than writing a few paragraphs on here.
I know today is one of those days I'm going to struggle to get myself ready, when I do have to put myself together to go meet my brother in about an hour. Its a day where faking it will be extra exhausting. It might be somewhat of a relief to start faking it tho, cause being stuck in my mind blows right now.
Today is one of those days I want to die, not because Im overwhelmed with sadness and grief, but because I'm underwhelmed with having a clue on caring about anything.
I'm attempting to accept this reality today, and believe that there's a good chance I will wake up feeling different tomorrow.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Week Ive lost count, approx 7 tho.
One of things i planned to and said i would do, during this sabbatical I'm on, is to work specifically on fostering self love.
My depression/who I am is deeply marked and anchored in a well of self hate/loathing. I totally feel like i have very sound and irrefutable reasons/evidence to support my hatred, and since I'm sure that I am pretty smart, and the only living expert on myself, I have a hard time disproving or ignoring the evidence that feels like it stares me in the face.
My initial dealings with therapists and docs was really motivated by the fact that I started suffering Body Dis morphia Disorder - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder which for me was characterized by my obsession of how ugly and distorted I look, an obsession/anxiety filled non stop mission of attempting to change the way I look constantly, and eventually panic/fear and violent feelings when I looked in the mirror (so for a while, I wasn't able to look in mirrors)
Since going on meds and seeking help (approx 6 years ago now) I've been able to mostly keep the BDD at bay (which I LARGELY attributed to working out) and avoid being filled with my feelings of self hate by a) changing certain behaviour patterns and b) largely ignoring/suppressing the feelings.
I have found that the hate itself, hasn't changed or lessened. If anything it seems to have gotten worse when it does hit (or at least more complicated) cause in the past few years I have spent a considerable amount of time frustrated at the fact that I don't like me, and cant seem to cause change in this self hate I carry. And then in turn, I add that frustration to the pile of all the other crap I hold against myself.
Unbelievable cycle eh...its like my inefficient emotional world will find ANY and EVERY way it can, to turn new info against my self.
So all of this to say.. that while I believe Ive done some good work (as my therapist would say) in better understanding my depression, and attempting to change/alleviate the impact my depression makes in my life, The one area I'm sure I have not put a dent in (and cant seem to figure out how to get a clue on how to put a dent in) is my Self Hate.
Since I took this time away I've been experiencing a fair amount of relief from my anxiety, and have even had some feelings of hope (big for me) thru being supported, but also...I'm feeling well connected to lots of self hatred (generally in the form an inner dialogue of thoughts, that carry on). I've been finding this supppppper discouraging...and crippling. But before I left on this leave, my medications were changed a bit, so I also started to wonder if I that had anything to do with it. I just saw a psychiatrist who has helped me out in that area, so I've started a more serious dose and am really hopeful that it will assist me.
One of the activities I planned to do during this time, was to attempt to write myself letters where I speak to myself through out my ages (like maybe one letter for 5 year old me, one letter for 10 year old me, etc etc) in the type of manner I would speak to young girl.. like I could meet her and care for her. I can be hugely encouraging and loving towards others, just never myself , so the key was to write to her as if i could go back in time and talk to that little me, just like i would if i was able to meet her today.
I haven't done this. I haven't done a few things I said I would do during this time, but I believe that my being sucked into the world where I've been hating myself almost everyday consistently, is the main thing that's made this type of activity seem unbearable and impossible.
...and gay...like i just think its retarded and embarrassing and oh so emo of me to be writing myself a letter....thing about that is - the bulk of the 'what's and how's' im going to need to do, to overcome depression is/has been embarrassing, emo and girly ish so....you know.. I get that I need to continue to let that go and stop thinking like a dude....im trying. Therapy was the big first step in 'doing a silly/girly thing', where I couldn't see that it would help anything.... but actually has.
Sooooooo, in order to foster some kind of feeling of connection, and to give me a visual of the girl that i am writing too, ive decided to use a picture, and write to the picture...
Here goes:
Dear littlest cutie pie Messi Jessi sitting on your mama's lap,
You are so cute it hurts. I'd love to pick u up, spin you around, and squeeze you. I'd notice how shy you are, and find it endearing. I'd notice how nervous you were of men, and want to make you feel protected and safe from them all. I wana make you smile cause your little worried face looks like a smile would relieve it. When I notice how smart and sweet you are, i would tell you so, and make sure you knew that i noticed it, and that you knew it is impressive to me. Your mommy means everything to you, but your just as important as her and I want you to remember that. I also want you to know that your mom doesn't love you any less, even when she is so sad. And when you get older, and she doesn't notice you needing to be understood and comforted or isn't able to comfort/understand you in a meaningful way, that it doesn't mean she doesn't love you completely.
I love you in this pic, I hope to learn to love you now,
Yourself.
My depression/who I am is deeply marked and anchored in a well of self hate/loathing. I totally feel like i have very sound and irrefutable reasons/evidence to support my hatred, and since I'm sure that I am pretty smart, and the only living expert on myself, I have a hard time disproving or ignoring the evidence that feels like it stares me in the face.
My initial dealings with therapists and docs was really motivated by the fact that I started suffering Body Dis morphia Disorder - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder which for me was characterized by my obsession of how ugly and distorted I look, an obsession/anxiety filled non stop mission of attempting to change the way I look constantly, and eventually panic/fear and violent feelings when I looked in the mirror (so for a while, I wasn't able to look in mirrors)
Since going on meds and seeking help (approx 6 years ago now) I've been able to mostly keep the BDD at bay (which I LARGELY attributed to working out) and avoid being filled with my feelings of self hate by a) changing certain behaviour patterns and b) largely ignoring/suppressing the feelings.
I have found that the hate itself, hasn't changed or lessened. If anything it seems to have gotten worse when it does hit (or at least more complicated) cause in the past few years I have spent a considerable amount of time frustrated at the fact that I don't like me, and cant seem to cause change in this self hate I carry. And then in turn, I add that frustration to the pile of all the other crap I hold against myself.
Unbelievable cycle eh...its like my inefficient emotional world will find ANY and EVERY way it can, to turn new info against my self.
So all of this to say.. that while I believe Ive done some good work (as my therapist would say) in better understanding my depression, and attempting to change/alleviate the impact my depression makes in my life, The one area I'm sure I have not put a dent in (and cant seem to figure out how to get a clue on how to put a dent in) is my Self Hate.
Since I took this time away I've been experiencing a fair amount of relief from my anxiety, and have even had some feelings of hope (big for me) thru being supported, but also...I'm feeling well connected to lots of self hatred (generally in the form an inner dialogue of thoughts, that carry on). I've been finding this supppppper discouraging...and crippling. But before I left on this leave, my medications were changed a bit, so I also started to wonder if I that had anything to do with it. I just saw a psychiatrist who has helped me out in that area, so I've started a more serious dose and am really hopeful that it will assist me.
One of the activities I planned to do during this time, was to attempt to write myself letters where I speak to myself through out my ages (like maybe one letter for 5 year old me, one letter for 10 year old me, etc etc) in the type of manner I would speak to young girl.. like I could meet her and care for her. I can be hugely encouraging and loving towards others, just never myself , so the key was to write to her as if i could go back in time and talk to that little me, just like i would if i was able to meet her today.
I haven't done this. I haven't done a few things I said I would do during this time, but I believe that my being sucked into the world where I've been hating myself almost everyday consistently, is the main thing that's made this type of activity seem unbearable and impossible.
...and gay...like i just think its retarded and embarrassing and oh so emo of me to be writing myself a letter....thing about that is - the bulk of the 'what's and how's' im going to need to do, to overcome depression is/has been embarrassing, emo and girly ish so....you know.. I get that I need to continue to let that go and stop thinking like a dude....im trying. Therapy was the big first step in 'doing a silly/girly thing', where I couldn't see that it would help anything.... but actually has.
Sooooooo, in order to foster some kind of feeling of connection, and to give me a visual of the girl that i am writing too, ive decided to use a picture, and write to the picture...
Here goes:
Dear littlest cutie pie Messi Jessi sitting on your mama's lap,
You are so cute it hurts. I'd love to pick u up, spin you around, and squeeze you. I'd notice how shy you are, and find it endearing. I'd notice how nervous you were of men, and want to make you feel protected and safe from them all. I wana make you smile cause your little worried face looks like a smile would relieve it. When I notice how smart and sweet you are, i would tell you so, and make sure you knew that i noticed it, and that you knew it is impressive to me. Your mommy means everything to you, but your just as important as her and I want you to remember that. I also want you to know that your mom doesn't love you any less, even when she is so sad. And when you get older, and she doesn't notice you needing to be understood and comforted or isn't able to comfort/understand you in a meaningful way, that it doesn't mean she doesn't love you completely.
I love you in this pic, I hope to learn to love you now,
Yourself.
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