rando commando

I wish a lot of people would not get me Christmas presents – I feel bad about receiving them. Then again I eventually forget I feel bad and generally use/enjoy the gift if its usuable/enjoyable. Maybe I'm an ass and I don’t actually care? (like if i eventually enjoy the gift)

I'm bi sexual and wondering if now that I'm in a relationship with a guy, does it means girls should be off limits? Such a double standard but with a girl it doesn’t seem to feel like it would be cheating at all.

WTF Nokio from Dru Hill is gay?.. and is dressing the part like..he looks quite difference and fierce. When did this happen? (as if I have my hand on any pulse at all..) Kudo’s to him to being true to himself, but damn I had a very serious crush on him in grade 9 he looks sooooooooooooooo diff.

I can’t seem to figure out if I'm happy in my relationship or not, and I think that most of the ambivalence has nothing to do with my actual boyfriend. Being with someone can make me feel so friggen lonely sometimes. I feel lost and more unsure about myself more than I do when I'm alone. I find a lot of my girl friends to be the opposite (lost and unsure when they are single). The first sentence of this paragraph isn’t what I actually mean. Its not that I cant figure out if I'm ‘happy’.. its just him and I are a picture that keeps changing shapes. I don’t really dislike any of the shapes, I just don’t know what it all means.

I wish Mahlep didn’t go bitter so quickly – my third time finding some in like 2 years and again – its expired. Kaak is the truth and if you don’t know, now u do. Go find some. Start by looking in Arabic bakeries.

Life is outrageous, I feel so unconnected about it all. I know one of the keys to losing/lessening my depression is to get and be more connected but people, always ALWAYS disappoint me..I mean that to say that my standards are insanely unattainable, not that people suck…although… lots do suck. But lots don’t too..ok at least some don’t. I disconnect from people for the simple fact that staying connected (ie: in touch, in tune, giving a flying freak about them, etc etc) involves me thinking about it all the time – otherwise I fall right off. I don’t know how to make space for thinking about it all the time, in my already very full head.End of the day, we do what we do because of who we are. Meaning, I will cook, clean, sing, sleep, eat,walk and fart before I really want to talk to someone. I can make the effort and talk before all of the above, but I don’t like it. I'm such an all or nothing-er eh, Like because I cant maintain any growth without losing a grip on myself, so I act like I wont even try.

I was just reading the blog from a dude/ kinda exboyfriend (we never quite got ‘there’, but loved the hell out of him, nonetheless – from day 1 ) and I feel like…There, THAT’S the last person I really wanted to be connected with?….and he’s..nothing super special, seriously. I DON’T GET WHAT IT IS. Why I liked him so much. He’s special to me like the way every child is special to their parents but...he was never right for me. So all of this to say - what the hell is chemistry for, it you dont have it with the people that are right for you

Super ranty and random today, I cant see this being interesting to read. I'm going to get on track again someday and will make this blog more about depression and how to find supports and info.