ativan

Today i started ativan (or lorazepam) and i can feel it helping with the anxiety, and I am thankful to no longer be stuck in a complete state of panic.
 The doctors at the hospital didn't want me to start any new meds while I'm undergoing this rTMS (magnet shock) treatment, but agreed to let me have a small dose, always after my treatments, to avoid it interacting / voiding out, what the rTMS is trying to do.
theres a %50 chance rTMS will work, and i find that number the opposite of comforting.
I spend hours wondering what my life will look like if it doesn't work. get kicked out of apt, move in with parents, spin further in depression since i can't do anything meaningful while I'm still sick.
I asked my psychiatrist about ECT, but said it was too early to think about.
I have 2-4 weeks left of TMS, and its too early for me to think of ways to actually get better, if rtms doesn't work?
 The Psychiatrist at the hospital told me we would try ketamine if rtms doesn't work, but my psychiatrist seems to think its too risky. He had a patient hallucinate and have a psychotic breakdown on ketamine, so seems he is scared of it.
Ive been with him for about 8 years, on and off a dozen meds, and haven't gotten better. So, i think ill take the ketamine from the new doctor, when/if its time.
All this medical help has ever been is bleak.
 My psychiatrist said it was interesting that the hospital MRI showed my frontal lobe as very over active, and that he would try certain meds that are said to calm down over activeness, in future.
 If the MRI info was helpful, why didn't he send me for an MRI 8 years ago?

doctor world once again becoming the rabbits hole.

the thought of music is a weird whisper on repeat