ketamine day 3

I think it might be helping.
My Psychistrist Dr McCormick read me the protocol that the hospital psychiatrist Dr. Downar had sent him on ketamine and it said 'if you think it maybe helping, then its not' meaning, its supposed to be very very obvious that its helping.

but i still say maybe, cause I'm only one week in, and not up to the highest dose yet.

I do feel a bit better, but i feel very lost.
I feel like I've lost my ability to do things.
especially music.

It seems to be under the blanket of fear that has seemed to cover everything now.

Today I don't have a busy enough day, and that is torture.
But I'm also aware its not as torturous as it was a week ago.

I got some financial help from some one in my family, so I'm also wondering if thats partly why i think the ketamine might be working. Since money is worry about every 15 mins.

I think about how i used to wish for free time, so that i could write or record.
and now I'm here, free, and just scared.

My grandparents funeral is this weekend, and i have a scary feeling ill be thinking about my own attempted suicide the whole time.
I wanted to be buried with my gramma, and i keep thinking about that.
When i was in the hospital i felt weirdly close to my grams, not like she was there, but  like close to going where she was.

It feels like it took me many months to come to terms with the fact that i was really going to end it all, and now that I'm here and I'm starting to not feel  suicidal every 10 mins, I can't figure out what to do. feels like starting life brand new.

Sort of reflected in how i can't figure out how to dress or do my makeup in a way that i like.
which scares me cause....has my creativity been striped from me?

Ive become somewhat consumed with how hard i perceive growing old is going to be.
I just never planned to be 30 and I can't imagine being here for 30 more years and then some.
When i think of this, i become suicidal.

Dr Downer said he got me accepted in the women's college hospital Trauma program, which is a bunch of diff talk therapies.
Im anxious about it, I wonder if talking about my father (aka my trauma qualifier) will help me at all.
I feel like I've talked about him quite a bit in therapy in the past, and obviously...i still got here.
Meaning, i don't know how talking about him or the past helps me at this point.
But I am hoping for the the DBT therapy, which is supposed to be designed for people who can't handle how strong their feelings are.

I def can't handle mine.

I am consumed with 'what is life going to look like'?
since i have to be here.

Im still wishing daily for a disease that could take me out..so i guess this ketamine isn't working yet.