Project - ' I dont know what the hell im doing' officially underway.

At least when I wake up as the person who cant connect, cant concentrate on ANYTHING for longer than approx 17 seconds, and doesn't feel involved what so ever, then....this whole "I left my job and am moving away to try to get better and hopefully make good music ' all feels like project " what the fak am I doing"



I should mention my meds were changed approx 4 weeks ago, so maybe the shittyness of it all is kicking in right aboouuuuutttttt....today.
Here's the things that I think while I observe how retarded i am today;

- Maybe its cause I have no schedule right now, I've never had no schedule like...ever ever. Im 27 and I've worked at least a full time job with also at least 1 part time side job or school since I was 17. So maybe Im bugging out with the lack of structure.

- Maybe its all just my obsession of analyzing myself, Im having a blah day - not a big deal or exotic concept - but my incessant need to think and rethink why and just how shitty it is, it what is making the issue out of nothing.

- Maybe its the meds and I need to get back on whatever the hell I was on b4, pronto.

- Maybe its not the meds at all, but if I go back to what I was on, I will in fact revert to feeling more like a connected person, for the simple fact that I believe it is the drugs and I will manifest that belief into being when/if i do switch back.

follow that last one? (who am i talking to...really)


I will say this, having the surety of knowing who you are, and will be tomorrow, is the thing, and from what I can see a huge building block necessary towards achieving 'success', that I def don’t have the luxury of having.

I get that people question any and everything about themselves , and I get that people have periods of time where they don’t know who they are, but what I have is diff.... I think.

therefore it is (ha ha)
k no really.

What i have sometimes, and definitely today, is the overwhelming lack of self.

today - I'll act like the chick that I know I am when I know I am, for the simple fact that I dont want to shock anyone, and I have no reason to pretend to be anyone else (that got old..years ago...)

There are 2 things and 2 things only that will make me feel like Im here inside of this gross body today
- music
- sex

Music like if I could sing and really get inside of the music. Which I couldn't, I tried..but didnt try to hard or long

And Sex...Im working on that one still..I had to make a call.. here’s hoping.

Anyways its just that I know that this lack of connection to my character, will really f*ck up my progress, if it stays around. and thats depressing.

Then again maybe I need way longer a few months of self work, before I should be planning to step back into society and more importantly, the desire to achieve things. (music)
The pressure is building and I need it to stop, because it can become the thing that breaks me.
of course, Im the one building the pressure in my mind so....u kno...wacktastic.

Its just that within these past 3 months, since deciding to up and leave my life and make getting better my main focus, I have felt the best Ive ever felt before. The most sure of myself.

I guess making the decision gave me a boast of confidence and its impacted my depression/darkness/character.

So yea...follow thru I will (yoda voice)
I really will tho, this is my one shot. I do get that.