wacktasticism revisited.

K, I really getting into understanding my depression in MUCH more serious and detailed way then ever before.

Mainly due to finding this dude, http://www.undoingdepression.com/
through finding his AMAZING book ;
 Undoing depression What therapy Doesn't Teach You, and Medication Cant Give You  
http://www.amazon.ca/Undoing-Depression-Richard-Oconnor/dp/0425166791

A good book review on the book:
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?id=11&type=book&cn=5

Im mostly encouraged, and am already experiencing some relief that is coming from understanding this ish better, but I'm also slightly mortified at just how sick i am.. like Im totally floored by just how much and how long I have suffered depression.

 I understand now that I have been suffering depression for like 20 years plus (not continuously for the whole 20 years, but certainly a majority of that time) and that my cycles into depression were taking deeper and deeper root, each time they happened

The most profound thing I'm learning is just how much my self hate, is a by product of my depression (so possibly), not so much a true hate I have developed due to being a despicable person.
 I seem to be able to forgive other people their wrongs, but never myself...So I've had the feeling their was something more to this hate I have for myself, beyond the things Im holding against myself.

I called the Camh in the city I'm living in ( Center for Addiction and Mental Health ) and found out they do have services, group therapis etc for depressoin, but that the waiting list is 9months.
I was kinda devastated...which is kinda stupid cause I already know how these things go.
(So by going thru Camh i would be able to have these services for little or no cost (covered by OHIP) cause I can't afford private sessions)

Other most profound thing I'm learning is my cycles, like what experiences trigger me to;
get hopeless,
leading me feel like doing and being nothing,
leading me to want to die,
 leading me to hating myself,
leading me to think i really should die if i hate myself and life this much.

That  9 month waiting list news definitely started a cycle, and since I was actually aware that it started a cycle I did my best to 'observe and not judge' the cycle. that mindful stuff...like thinking ' ok, I'm a depressant, I'm allowed to feel blue from this bad news, and Im aware that its a cycle that can/will end'
It helped. The awareness is definitely a step up from being a total victim to the cycle.

Today I woke up  heavy and unable, moped around and went back to bed at noon and slept for another 5 hours. For the most part I was able to not judge myself / talk shit to myself about how unproductive i was being. Miraculously, I'm feeling better right now cause  I did get somewhat productive and do a few small things (took a bike ride, wash some dishes, made 2 phone calls - phone calls are a big feat for me..) The fact that I didn't get down on myself for wasting most of my day, thereby crippling myself into wasting the rest of my night, is a small miracle.
3 months ago if the morning sucked, the night sucked too for sure.

I'm thankful I have the abilities to grasp these concepts the book is teaching m right now, cause i know that not that long ago, none of this would have sunk in for me. Not that long ago I would not have had the energy or clarity to read this book.

Part of me is sad its taken so long for me to find this Author - Richard O'Connor and this Book.
I haven't had one tenth of the confirmation/helpful information from this book from any doctor or therapist (and dammit...why the hell do NO doctors point you in the right direction) but I'm just glad Im here, now.

Its been 3 months since I left my job without notice, left my apartment and my grandma who I beyond love and need, and moved 5 hours away to pursue some kind of help.
This week I am  totally sure I made the right choice.