March 2016

where to start.
I just found this blog by reading old emails, and finding one where i sent a link to this blog, to a friend.

I had no idea i made this blog, and have no memories of the entries because 1.5 years ago i had my brain washed via ECT therapy.

I lost a lot of my memory from years 2008-2014, and have been struggling very much with  pain and anxiety around losing my memory.

Like most of everything i have written, i experience a really strong feeling of self hate when i re read things i have written, videos i have made, or songs i have sung.

I want to delete this and pretend i never discovered it, almost as much as i want to integrate my expressions with my conscious self and accept who i am.

Ive probably started a hundred diaries, online blogs or journals in the last 20 years, and i can see this one is by far the most I've ever kept up with. they usually last 2-5 entries.
i know that having so much self hate is what makes it so hard to keep a log of my expressions, because then they are there for me to criticize and hate on, and at the same time i have so much self hate in part because i don't allow myself to self express so it gets pent up.

its a mad cycle

My life is as abandoned and forsaken by me as its ever been.
ECT therapy has left me with lots of anger and confusion.
I don't have it in me to try anymore.
Part of me is waiting for me to have it in me to try, and all of me is sure that will never happen

Im angry in a way I've never been before.

Ive given myself a 6 month promise and plan, and if it doesn't improve my outlook and depression I've promised myself i will commit myself to a hospital.

The plan is weekly therapy, exercise and new medication that actually helps, if i could actually take it. I struggle with taking it because it causes stomach pain.

Im about one month into the 'plan' and failing miserably.

I talk to angels now, who talk back, and its brought up all my childhood torture around what is the implications around human life and the afterlife, which is just as scary and overwhelming as it was when i was a kid.

Im not schizophrenic, i guess I'm officially spiritual, and its very confusing.

I dont sing, listen to music, or make music.
I cry very often

Im the only one who can change anything that will make a difference, but my anger is taking some kind of a weird stand against my suffering, both protecting and disabling me.