I have a dialogue running in my head (one of a few) where I am feeling bad about being and feeling relatively ok today. It goes like this:

‘Remember how you felt on the weekend?, remember how it built up for weeks before that and you knew you were going to lose it all again, sometime soon?’ ‘

yes I remember, I always remember. And every time the dark comes back I hate myself for all the moments I didn’t remember.’

‘Well That’s real, and it’s never going away. Why are you pretending to be ok? ‘
I know but I start to figure I should just make the most of whatever time I do have. That precious time where I can breath and I don’t feel like I'm pretending entirely’

‘ but Monday and Tuesday the weekend had sobered you up to the truth, so you felt pretty numb to most things…now its Thursday and yesterday you started to smile here and there, and think about what you do like about your life. Like your boyfriend, and your cat, and your hair..this morning for about 6 minutes you LIKED your hair. What a shithead you are, your so full of crap. You and I both know you hate your hair, you hate your hair yourself and your life.’

‘I didn’t today’

‘yea, well you will again, and you know it always comes sooner than you think it will.

This is pretty annoying but its also nothing compared to the dialogue when I actually try to do something I really want to do. A lot of the times music, recording, or writing a song. Or it could just be cooking, or cleaning, or helping my grandma. Anything where I want a good result. That dialogue goes like this:

‘ok concentrate, relax. Now go ahead and start singing..’

‘ you sound like shit. Your tone deaf, you cant even hear all the notes your hitting that are wrong.

‘its ok let go Jessica. Shutup dark’

‘You are pathetic. Listen to yourself during this playback – you sound mediocre at best.’

This self considers, listens, compares herself to the better singers and realizes she is mediocre. ‘ ok fine, I’m mediocre, but I enjoy this. This isn’t about being the best, its just about me doing what I want to do. so Shutup already’

Alrite keep going, you and I both know your goin to give up within 20 minutes…go ahead prove me right.

I get stuck on a line, or cant find the right words, or don’t feel right about a chord and I get agitated.

‘see you do suck’

‘ok fine I suck, I'm not stopping though, I'm still going to try’

‘cool, but now that you’re a lil frustrated you know that your ideas are going to start disappearing and your stomach is starting to turn. You start feeling your body hate itself and you start screwing up the notes that just 2 minutes ago you were hitting perfectly.

'having this debate with myself is retarded, i dont want to quit again

you will in about 10 mins…I always know you better than this fake side does.’


Ok this isn't exactly how it is, like i feel like this is kind of condensed. There is more dialouge and lots of times its 3 and 4 thoughts at a time, but this sums it up pretty well. Its exausting, and its embarressing. Like i get embarressed and feel shameful in the moment. (even tho no one is aware of it but me) The fact that I cant just commit to doing something - let go of the doubts and just do it, is pathetic.
I CANT - and thats pityfull.