Fight the Fight

A lot of time has been spent today thinking about ‘the fight’. Meaning, fighting to not allow the depression constantly put a pause on my life and my happiness/potential happiness. ( I put a slash there cause I'm not quite there) And the energy it takes for me to put up ‘the fight’. Here are my main points of question and thoughts

I break down approx every 6/8 weeks but hide it from everyone.
Then I spend a fair amount of time pretending to be ok, prob around %50 of my time.
Pretending to be ok means - At worst, I pretend to be non suicidal, not numb, not on the verge of tears, and most of all not saying/thinking ‘ I don’t give a good goddamned shit about what your saying’ to everything everyone says, AND everything that I think about. At Best, this pretending means i feel funny/odd ranging to sometimes very fake, about interacting with life and people. I feel exsausted by it too, just tired from living. In this state I function at least – I get out of bed, shower, work, talk, but I don’t do anything that requires feeling decent about myself, I don’t do anything that really matters to me. (write music/sing. Have a meaningful convo with someone. Workout, make plans) I also don’t eat well, and/or I overeat/ eat food like it’s a drug when I'm in this state.

Then I spend somewhere around 30-45% of my time, actually feeling pretty fine. Not really happy or inspired or excited, but decent. I give pushes in this state. I try to do things where I need to feel good about myself. I fail a lot, but I try in this state.
I get really truly happy or filled up with love/live or inspired about 5% of the time. Its rare, and people who are really close to me usually comment on how odd it is.

So…Should I stop pretending that I’m ok ? – (to a certain extend. I wont actually tell everyone I don’t give a good goddamn, but I will ‘come out’ and tell maybe my closest friends and fam the truth) in order to
a) be and feel more authentic?
b) possibly become the slightly more outwardly dysfunctional person in the ‘name of’ (hope of) become the more functional person in future ?
Meaning…maybe I could/would finally take that sick leave my therapist has been saying I should, and then I could do 6 or 8 weeks..(or months..?)..of more intensive therapies. Build some kind of a foundation. ..? Make some kind of progress to where I have a better handle and actual real coping mechanisms/activities … ?
and c) solicit the apparently uber important (often highlighted in books and by ‘experts’) thing called ‘support’ or a support system/network. I'm pretty doubtful of this since I feel that you can’t know what its like for me, unless you suffer yourself. My sister and mom who know I have episodes and I'm medicated, but don’t know to the extent or severity I suffer, have asked me questions and say things that they really truly believe are helpful, relevant or supportive. I generally want to bash my head into a wall, or scream at them in reply. (this is highly contributed by the fact that they are family - and that we were never super close, also that I am uncomfortable to talk about depression with people who i know, and I become more unreasonable and impatient than I normally would about anything else)

My next thought is..I was born to fight this condition. Its all I can to. I have to wait until my %35-40 block of feeling decent comes and use it to the best of my ability to overcome my depression and to also take steps towards making my life better. Ill break down for you what those 2 things look like.

‘Overcoming Depression’ Or maybe it should be called controlling or treating it.
- Working out Every.Single. Day. I get a ‘lift’ from my dark when I do this.
Doing some form of Cardio, more on the intense side, at least 4 times a week. I actually get a high from this, I feel the best I ever ever feel Mentally and Emotionally when I do this.
- Go to therapy at least once a week. Lots of talking, guidance, direction and reflection
- Practice Mindfull meditation at least once a day. Should be doing it 3 times a day eventually
- Practice a self love mantra. Basically think about why I do or should love myself, ( have a written mantra) Look at baby pics of me…create a self love feeling.
- Practice being present to critical and negative thoughts, and detach my self from them. So actively think of them as just thoughts or feelings, and not truth.
- Research, learn and oversome the binge eating/ emotional eating.

These seem pretty easy/not impossible, yet I haven’t done one of those things for at least 2 weeks..some of them 6 weeks. Resisting is an understatement.

‘Make my life better’ Do things for myself, make plans, make goals etc
- Think about going back to school. I work a deadend job that means nothing to me. I cant advance and/or get another job cause I have no education in my field. Simple right? Go back to school. I check into school and feel hopeless and overwhelmed. I don’t have the money. I cant manage full time school, I don’t do well in school.lots and lots of reasons/doubts.
- Sing. Write.Record. Practice. Reach out to that dozen of great producers that want to work with me. Finish a song. Find ways to get $ to get an album done. Explore where I can perform. Reach out to the dozen of musicians who have shown that they want to jam/write with me.
- Share myself. Write something. Volunteer for one of the many causes I care about. Go out! (huge..im a hermit) mingle with people and learn to enjoy some sort of social scene.
- Organize, clean, make your home one you can enjoy

I haven’t done the first 2 things in months.
I half ass the second 2 things.