Im Changing my story.

So, when I started this blog few weeks ago I was in a bad place. (aka hopeless, sad dark place/ depressed place) it lifted slowly over the time since, and I'm pretty damn satisfied today.

My life feels ok, my reflection in the mirror is ‘watever’ (meaning, ‘its cool’ – its not terrifying..not all that relevant really) My future has possibilites I can actually think about. Strangers on the street are not all monsters and victims. I wonder if part of my feeling decent and sane, is because I'm doing this blog, and trying to ‘come out’ about this depression, to some close people in my life.

Starting this blog specifically marks the week in my life where I decided to believe that the depression I have is Chronic, and is not my battle to fight it to the death - everyday...maybe even ever. This is Part 1. Improving my lifes circumstances (which i have done since going on meds) was necessary and a great thing to do, but it doesn't cancel out the depression. The pressure to overcome this depression, while all time pretending to the world it isn't here, is the pressure I want to alleviated.A fakeness i want to stop. So far it feels alleviated/stopped within myself. I think - ill know for sure in a few months if i still feel its absence.

Part 2 of this new movement in me, is that I share with a few people how much I do suffer. So to alleviate the pressure i have within each relationship. I told my aunt last week, I plan to tell my mom, next monday. Without launching into a book about how much my family does not share feelings , i'll just say. ..this is insanely awkward for me. Like most things im nervous about, im sure it will be not as awkward as i currently feel that it will be.

So here is the story/message I have told/shown all close people mostly family, in my life (and tried to believe in myself )

“ we all know I was kinda a sad little kid and had an especially rough time age 15-20, we all know I started meds for depression at 21, we’ve seen since then Ive actually kept a job and worked really hard on myself and my life (I stopped lying, I think that’s the biggest thing people in my life prob felt – that they could trust me again) , and all areas have shown great improvements. So yea, I’m good…well traveled on the road of personal recovery and on my way to being normal, things are cool..im happy with my life…etc."

This is the story I'm SO sick of telling. It would be entirely true if I just added that ..

“oh, by the way, I break down every 8-10 weeks or so, and meditate on suicidal thoughts (not literally meditate - but thats how much i think about it) im hopeless, and i shock myself with more hate for moreself than i can feel. I cry for days on end, I turn of the phone and flop on all my friends and any pending opportunity with music or any other progressive thing I have going on. I also eat until I am sick (literally – ill spare the details) I sleep for days at a time."

And throughout, while im in this dark place, I constantly remind myself that now I really am a huge lier and I really do have to kill myself, cause look at how I’ve got everyone fooled with 'the story'.

Its almost worst then ever. Thats a lie, its not worse, its just a new dark message, and its a new kind of intense which is scary. I dont need new scary..

SO, im going to dispell the story. Starting with myself. This has felt pretty good so far.
cheers to me.
and F U to the reoccuring dark.