Ok,
I know I suffer with Chronic Depression (meaning Im prone to hopeless fits of despair and self loathing) but looonngg before I can remember having those fits, I remember being pretty devastated with the pointlessness of life. I hit me around age 12.
One could argue ( and by one, I mean one part of myself literally does argue) that my disconnection with people, life and joy, is what made me feel that way at such an early age. But I still, about 15 years later, grapple with this emptiness (aka pointlessness, aka randomness, aka not a damn clue what the point of existence is) at least once a day, completely (from what I can see) regardless of how dark or bright I am feeling.
I
ve been travelling visiting family for the last few days, and I have been pretty bright - feeling pretty good. I get to escape my extremely cold basement apartment and aloneness, and be around these fam members who are; Happy, hopeful, kind to me, connected to each other, generous and (my fab part) pretty halirious.
I get to engulf myself in their seemingly non depressed world (you can never be sure, i act pretty not depressed really well, about 98% of the time) and pretend i actually belong in it. The one thing that always and eventually 'comes up' and reminds me that I don’t belong in this happy world, is any mention of future - either theirs or mine. I instantly feel uncomfortable, or sad, or reminded that I have no hope or clue about future. And aware of how not normal it is that everyone else around me is pretty excited/hopeful about future, and I am not and I have to hide It.
Back to my first point tho, like right now, Im not in a cloud of hate with myself at all. I look and feel pretty decent today, and Im under no pressure of having to face or deal with some uncomfortable person or situation. Im not completely broke (reeeallly close, but as long as i have about $40 in the bank I feel like I will make it to next payday) and I dont have to work tomorrow. Im even looking forward to seeing one particular person tomorrow. All of this to say, this is how I feel and yet, here I am contemplating and really quite bothered yet again, by the pointlessness of life. Overwhelmed by it really, just that Im so used to it that its like a heading spinning carousel ride, that I know to close my eyes on.
Like I said when I was around 12 I became pretty obsessed (it felt more like an attack, because i wanted to escape the subject and thoughts) with whether or not: Their was a God(s), what it/they made us/earth for, and if they did or didn't communicate with us (humans), and if they "cared" or had a plan.
I prayed ALOT, Tried to comprehend and intellectually respect the bible (failed miserably every time, still do) and tried to feel some sort of conviction or resonating feeing within myself concerning any religion. (i read a bunch of world religion ish) I found myself a philosophy book in chapters, and started to read one after another thinking ' here, i found the world of people who think like me' meaning, they asked alot of questions's about the state of humanity and were pretty much tortured over the relative-ness and subjective-ness of all info available.
I felt like I had been sucked into a world of jargon (its practically like Shakespear. I used a philosophers dictionary to understand half of the terms) egos, and eventually sadness, just as hopeless as my own world.
Now alot has changed, im not obsessed with finding the truth, and Im pretty resolved with the fact that the creator(s) have decided at this time, not to contact me or fullfill my inner longing for truth and the meaning of life. (and by resovled I mean, I worked realllllyyy hard at not thinking about it, and now I barely do) However, the lack of knowing still translates into frustration when I feel how empty/random and pointless this all is.
If theres no point, and yet all this pain and suffering is simultaneously going on all the time...everrrywhere....ALL THE TIME..That thought alone can throw me into a fit of numbness if I let it.
Fak, I feel like I’ve lost my point.
I think it went like this:
Besides and outside of my depression, there is a different and much realer emptiness waiting for me. Always.
I can beat this depression I think, I can at least get it under control (my goal being one horrible break down a year, max) but I cant beat the state of exsistance lacking a meaning or a knowing of why.
And the implication of that fact, how it makes everything I do pointless is.....discouraging.
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Of course again I get what you're saying!
ReplyDeleteAbout a year ago I remember struggling to do the things I used to love to do (like write) b/c I couldn't get the point of it. It was hard for me to get up and do anything or get excited about anything b/c it all felt insignificant. I kind of had this "so what" attitude toward everything.
And I didn't relate to people I knew who got up everyday and pushed so hard in their careers/passions. They took it so seriously as if it was important, as if it mattered. I'd lost that feeling. I'd lost that drive. I'd lost that excitement.
And I spent a lot of time looking for answers via religion. I met Buddhists and Muslims and studied different forms of Christianity. It just confused me more. I just had more questions and no real answers to anything.
I know for me I just decided not to think about it anymore. Now instead I just do things I enjoy. I try not to think about my future in terms of success or failure. I still feel like an ant in this world, but I just try to keep going as if what I'm doing is a big deal.
Good thing is some days I feel that spark again. It comes and goes. But there are days when I think that I'm getting closer to answers just by living every day. It's hard to explain, but it's like I have "the answer to life" on the tip of my tongue, but I'm just not there yet. And if I just keep going maybe something will click. It's a good feeling to have. Kind of like God is telling me "you're not ready to know, but you're on the right track so just keep going." Yes I often lapse and get very down and feel like a big loser and failure and basic screw-up.
I don't think we are meant to know why we exist. I think people who tell you they know might have a really good guess, but nobody really gets what the hell is going on. lol
I think you (and many others, myself included) think about this stuff b/c of the depression while most people just go with life with more of a blind faith that we're doing what we're supposed to do for an important reason. What I mean is, when you try to combat depression, you are forced to dissect emotions, feelings, spirituality. When you are depressed I think you are typically a more self-aware, sensitive and emotional person. In therapy you think and think and think too. So it kind of seems natural that types like us would question more and thus struggle more. I just know a lot of my friends who are not struggling with depression don't think about this stuff at all. Or they think about it without it becoming a burden.
I'm still a mess. I'm not over being depressed at all. I'm not 100% checked in. I know that while one day it'll be easy for me to get out of bed, the next not so much. I'm just gonna keep going and hope the answers come to me. Kinda like if I get up everyday and pretend that what I'm doing has a real significant purpose, maybe one day I won't have to pretend...it will really feel special.
I do know that in your case, there is a point to your art, your music. People listening to it relate to it. That is important. If anything you do helps or inspires someone else then there's a point in there somewhere that's worth exploring. Maybe God will tell you the reason/point when he/she/it thinks you're ready. That's what I'm hoping for myself. I don't know. :)
-Victoria