Dec 3rd

Dear Creator(s)/spirit world/powers that are invisible to me, but are hopefully at work in the world.

I used to be morbidly depressed, i learnt to  bury it deep under the surface of the persona i would show the world, because i didn't thin anyone deserved to see my dark, or would understand what they were seeing. Occasionally it reared its head to the surface of me, and i lived in anguish for however long that lasted. Being numb was the key. It was a relief to be numb, for the most part. Except that being numb comes with its own set of problems, and it also feels, at times, like somewhat of an act. The thought of future was horrifying and way to much to bare ( i was sure i would die soon enough- suicide attempt gone right for once?) , so i learnt to not believe in future. In fact it got so where hearing about future sounded funny and gay...like a fairytale with so many holes in the plot.

I've been this medication - 180mg of Cymbalta to be exact, for about 3 months now and its sort of magical, I dont get pulled under by the morbid depression anymore - at least i haven't fully yet. I've been what feels like close a bunch of times, but amazingly i get pulled,snapped or transitioned out of it within 24hours.

Im not in hell on earth, and im thankful and all that except i still dont like being alive, and the future now  overwhelms me in a large but  different way.

This more bareable, not quite hell on earth im in now, sucks. Not equally but still, it sucks as follows

-I dont believe in myself.
Im doing alllllllllllll kinds of work/reading/therapy and so on to work on this, and the scary thing is, no matter how much i achieve by way of understanding or seeing the proof that 'i am pretty decently capable and dope' - it doesn't matter. this feeling comes back and makes me realize it never left, it just got quieter and less pushy.
It doesn't tell me to kill myself, or that im disgusting.
It politely says - 'yea, ur alright..ur pretty average by way of humans...aka, ur born to fuck up..thats cool i guess..being a fucked up person in a fucked up world..its never gona stop...yay..thumbs up for u/us..what a life.'
apparently this is gona take years to work on..makes sense, 20+ years of convincing myself i suck can't be undone in a few months.

thing is....noooott so much worth it for me..to fight this.
 Like im too tired for 5 or 10 or whatever its gona take years to get there.

Which brings me to my second part of the suck

There is
 yet and still
nothing to live for.

I still resent humanity and being a part of it.

That fact, that nightmarish, sickening , dark joke that is on all of us,  used to crush me everyday. I was just 13 when it started it, and after  a few years of searching thru philosophy and religion and examing closely for any/all internal voices/convictions, the morbid depression had set in.

I've been thinking alot about if its this reality, that brought me depression.
Did this truly start the first colossal downward spiral into what feels like hate and sorrow manifested into a cloud of mood u are trapped in.

really, ill never know.

Silly me,  i thought getting cured of depression would mean i would find motivation/conviction/inspiration to live.
Guess not.

So i dont fantasize about dying anymore...i just daydream about getting cancer and refusing the treatment cause, that wouldn't look to suspect....i think.

Which brings me to now, doing the thing that i always do when im desperate beyond all measure.
 praying, except...in letter form cause..i cant concentrate long enough to actually pray.

Please help me,
please give me the feelings and thoughts i need, so i can not feel this less hellish, but yet shitty, way.

I'll do watever now, im way less stubborn (i think) and im more open to abstract and silly sounding things...like prayer (as seen now), discipline in my mind/thoughts, ill even do yoga if i thought the spirit world i need to connect with, is there waiting for me.

like...u know those people who have these spiritual experiences..seems like 50% of humans i kno, have a moment, or a dream, or an object move, or a posession of the soul happen and then they feel 'in touch' with u. or your desires for them...or both. That dude that wrote 'conversations with god' - his pencil started moving and writing in his hand, without his doing it. Ive day dreamed about that while holding my pencil..

Can i get one of those?

Im open
 ill go buddist, christian, muslim...whatever u want...(christian would be convenient due to family members, but i assume pretty complicated and difficult, due to years of my hatred/resentment of the bible and the church)



or even just a halfway message...anything that would inspire a totally new way of looking at why im on earth?

cause i got nada.
and that thought still feels like a kick in the mouth.

Asking for this now, just like i did a hundred times before when i was young - its beyond hard
it takes me throwing away my pride, and logical sense, to be here again, asking again, for some meaning. for a reason, again.

So many people seem to be able to tap into a 'place' that they attribute to deep down inside themselves and dont have a name for it (re the eat love pray lady)
that would work i think..a still calm voice, a presence of love.
wow...i could write a WHOLE other letter on how id like that presence of love too.
but i think im learning how to find love - i mean im trying to get that from people now, ie trying to stay in relationships with people who love me. and all my efforts in not hating myself are also, efforts in loving myself. At times i do 'not hate myself' now. so theres progress.

point is
please,
give me that experience or that inspiration.

im more ready
im more mature
im the most deserving me ive ever been!  ive fought so so  hard to get to this point.
Im honest now
Im working to show/have  respect for everyone
I've forgiven them all..i know that no one intentionally tried to hurt me.

please give me that thing, whatever thing that u know i need or could really use in this fight, against having no desire to live.

Thanks in advance (i hope)